


Dirty Paws

by NessaLeesche



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Explicit Language, F/M, POV Second Person, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 17:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 36
Words: 49,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3389672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NessaLeesche/pseuds/NessaLeesche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You and your childhood best friend, Sasha Blouse, leave your small village to join the military. While Sasha easily makes friends, you make the mistake of allowing Jean Kirstein to get under your skin. What should be a friendly competition turns into a bitter rivalry. However, upon graduation, when there is a Titan attack on Jean's hometown of Trost, the petty differences must be set aside in order to survive.</p><p>(Probably totally cliche and follows every trope of Jean-fic, and I'm not sorry in the slightest. Follows the events of the anime loosely. Beginning in chapter 32, follows the events of the manga past season 1 of the anime.)</p><p>Title is from the Of Monsters and Men song of the same name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Potato Girl

**Author's Note:**

> So, my first AoT fic. I'm not quoting anything directly from the show or manga (the latter because I haven't actually started reading it yet), but I think I'm keeping the spirit alive, at least. Work title is from the song, "Dirty Paws" by Of Monsters and Men. I'm terrible at naming chapters, so they're either not going to have names, or have lame names. I try to avoid too much use of the (F/N)(L/N) thing, but I'm sure it'll happen.
> 
> Oh, just a note: Age has been changed, like in many fics, to where characters join the military at 15, to be 18 at graduation. Mostly because that's what I always tell myself in my head anyway, so I don't have to think of a bunch of 15 year olds dying while fighting off Titans. (Also because of the possibility of sex? So that's a thing.)

“Sasha! GET BACK HERE!” you shouted at your friend, running through the streets of Dauper village. “Your dad is going to KILL you!”

Sasha’s laughter rang loud in your ears. “Like I care! I told him, I’m joining the military! He can’t stop me!” Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks. “You should come with me! We can make the top 10, join the Military Police! Or even the Garrison!”

You smirked. “No chance of joining the Scouts, I presume?” You stood with a hand on your hip. You had no intention of joining the Military Police, or the Garrison. If you were to join the military, you’d be in the Scouting Legion - the glory of humanity. You’d take down every Titan you saw. You had seen the result of refugees from Wall Maria. Food shortages and crime were prevalent, especially in outer districts like Trost. While you knew the survival rate in the Scouts was abysmal, the fact was that they were the ones with the knowledge and ability to take back Wall Maria someday.

Sasha grabbed your shoulders and looked directly in your eyes, panicked. “You can’t join the Scouts!”

“Try and stop me, Sasha.”

\-----

You stood at attention next to your friend on your first day as a member of the 104th Trainees Squad. Your eyes were forward, but you could see Sasha out of the corner of your eye, chomping away on a potato.

“Where the FUCK did you get that?” you hissed at her.

“Took it from the dining hall! Want some?” She extended her hand, inviting you to break off a piece of the potato.

“FUCK NO! Put that shit away!” You straightened your back as the instructor surveyed the group. Sasha, of course, didn’t listen to your instruction, only grinning as she continued to eat. Where the hell had that girl gotten her appetite?

Instructor Shadis skipped over a few determined-looking trainees, including a boy with the brightest green eyes you had ever seen, and a black-haired girl with a red scarf. He stopped in front of a tall, lanky boy with hair the shade of copper. “WHAT’S YOUR NAME, PUNK?” he shouted directly in the boy’s face.

“Jean Kirstein, from Trost district, sir!”

“TROST, HUH? FANCY YOURSELF A SOLDIER, DO YOU? WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

“I’m planning on joining the Military Police to live comfortably in the Interior, sir.” Kirstein replied calmly. You could practically hear the smirk on his face.

Shadis froze. “Oh, really?” His voice was terrifyingly calm. “You’re going to train here for three years, BUSTING YOUR ASS, so you can go live a nice, cozy life behind Wall Sina?”

“That’s the plan, sir.”

You almost snickered. This kid was too much. He thought he would make the top ten by charming his way through? There was no way. You had seen the look of determination on so many of your comrades’ faces. A blonde girl with ice blue eyes, the girl with the red scarf, there was no way he could beat those two. Even Sasha, despite her thievery of the potato, was hell-bent on making top ten so she could live in safety. You didn’t care so much about your placement, although you’d be working your ass off anyway. You never had any intention of joining the Military Police.

A loud THUNK pulled you out of your thoughts. You couldn’t prevent your head from turning to the left, only to see Jean Kirstein on his knees, head on the ground. “IF YOU THINK THE MILITARY POLICE IS GOING TO TAKE SOME SHIT-STAIN WHO CAN’T TAKE A WHACK TO THE HEAD, YOU’RE SORELY MISTAKEN! ON YOUR FEET, SOLDIER!”

“Yes, sir…” Kirstein groaned as he struggled to his feet, touching his forehead gingerly. Shadis moved on to harass a cheerful looking boy with freckles.

“Sasha! Get rid of that FUCKING POTATO!” you hissed at her, as Shadis came ever closer. He was barely fifteen feet away from you now, currently holding a boy with a shaved head a few feet off the ground. Shadis’s eyes flickered towards you, and you froze, your eyes terrified. His gaze went from you to your friend, still chomping away.

He dropped the boy on the ground, who moaned pathetically. Shadis slowly walked towards you, his eyes only on you for a second before focusing on Sasha - who continued to eat, unfazed by the attention. You winced, knowing that she was not in for a good time.

“Recruit. Who the fuck are you?” he asked of her calmly.

“Sasha Blouse, from the village of Dauper, sir.” she replied between bites.

“And, uh...What the hell is that?” he demanded.

“It’s a potato, sir.”

“I know what a potato is, cadet. What the fuck is it doing here?”

“It was sitting in the dining hall, sir, begging to be eaten. I gave it a proper destiny.” Sasha replied, straight-faced. She hesitated for a moment, then broke off a piece of it and extended it to Instructor Shadis. “Here, sir.”

Shadis stared at her blankly. “What...GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, RECRUIT! YOU’RE RUNNING UNTIL THE SUN GOES DOWN! GET OUT!”

He smacked the potato out of Sasha’s hand and pointed. To her credit, she managed to look terrified, and darted away like a rabbit. The potato landed at her feet, and you cringed, knowing you were next.

Sure enough, Shadis approached you. You stood taller, pushing your shoulders back and holding your head high. “YOU! Potato Girl’s friend! NAME!”

“(F/N) (L/N), from the village of Dauper, sir!” you shouted back, pounding your right fist to your chest so hard that it hurt.

“HOPEFULLY YOU’RE A LITTLE MORE DEDICATED THAN POTATO GIRL OVER THERE!” He pointed at Sasha, who was now jogging out of sight.

“Yes, sir! I plan to devote my life to the cause, sir!”

“AND WHAT CAUSE IS THAT, MAGGOT? YOU GONNA JOIN KIRSTEIN OVER THERE IN THE INTERIOR?”

You couldn’t help but smirk. “No, sir! I have no such aspirations, sir!”

Shadis gave you an intimidating grin. “Oh? THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE, RECRUIT?”

“I plan to join the Survey Corps, the glory of humanity, sir!” You stood tall and proud as you stated your intent.

You heard audible gasps around you. Most of your fellow recruits would have no way to join the Military Police, and would gladly take the Garrison. In the Garrison, at least you lived within the Walls, only having to fight Titans if they dared to come close. The Survey Corps was viewed almost as a suicide squad among recruits.

Shadis’s eyes softened, but only for a moment before he shoved you backwards. You landed at the feet of the recruit behind you, grimacing. “ON YOUR FEET! THE GROUND IS NO PLACE FOR A MEMBER OF THE SURVEY CORPS!”

“Yes, sir!” you replied in as strong a voice as you could muster. You hurriedly rushed back to position, painfully straightening your spine.


	2. Lionheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At dinner, Kirstein gets under your skin, and your reaction earns the respect of one Eren Jaeger.

Your eyes scanned the dining hall for Sasha, but she was nowhere to be found. Probably still running, you thought. A small laugh escaped your lips as you picked up your tray of grey, tasteless food.

“Hey! Potato Girl’s friend!” You looked over, sighing at what would inevitably be your new nickname. The boy with the shaved head, Connie Springer, was frantically waving to you. You hesitated, but walked over anyway, taking a seat next to him. “She still running?” Connie asked, snickering.

“Probably,” you replied, picking up your spoon. “I tried to stop her, but she kept eating that goddamned potato.”

Connie rambled on about how ridiculous your friend was. Sitting across from you were Kirstein and the freckled boy, Marco Bott. Marco was chiding Connie for being mean, coming to Sasha’s defense. You smiled to yourself. He seemed nice, trying to empathize. Meanwhile, Kirstein’s eyes were on you. He looked alternately confused and smug.

You stared directly back at him. “Got a problem, Kirstein?”

He shrugged. “Just wondering why someone like you wants to join the Scout Regiment. It might as well be a death sentence, you know.”

You could feel the anger burning inside your chest. What the hell did this smug, self-centered asshole know about you? Where the hell did he get off judging you? Your eyes narrowed, and your hands went to fists on the table, clutching your fork like a knife. Connie and Marco were looking between you and Jean. Connie looked terrified, and was slowly edging away, while Marco looked ready to jump in if things escalated.

“I mean, come on. Little thing like you, fighting off Titans? Get real.” Jean smirked and took a drink. “You could barely handle a shove from Shadis today, you think you can fly around on your 3DMG, slicing Titans open?”

You let out a feral growl and leapt out of your seat. Connie yelped as he fell in surprise. You darted to Jean’s side of the table, grabbing him by the collar and holding his face inches from yours. “Let’s get one thing straight, Kirstein. You don’t know me. Just because a chickenshit like you wants to live a cushy life with the King doesn’t mean we all do.” All eyes in the dining hall were on you. You could see Eren Jaeger out of the corner of your eye, looking at you with respect and amusement. “Maybe I’ve never seen a Titan, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what they can do. I’ve seen what happens to humanity, I saw what happened when they broke down Wall Maria. I’ve seen the Scouts come back from expeditions, in half the number they left with. But they try. They’re the only way we’re going to get Wall Maria back.”

Jean looked terrified. His collar was firmly in your grasp, his amber eyes locked on yours. You tightened your grip and pulled him closer. “You’d better work real fucking hard to make top ten, Kirstein. I’ll be fighting you every step of the way.” You shoved him backwards. He would have fallen if Marco hadn’t been there to catch him. You strode out of the dining hall, grabbing a canteen of water on your way.

“Her. I like her.” You could hear Eren’s awestruck voice behind you. His voice then turned to anger as he addressed Jean. “You think anyone who wants to join the Scouts is an idiot?!” The bell signaling the end of dinner rang out, masking whatever he said next, or what Kirstein retorted.

You bumped into someone as you stepped between barracks. “Sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going.” you mumbled, stepping out of their way.

“It’s okay...Oh! You’re Sasha’s friend!” a high, cheerful voice replied. You looked up to see Krista Lenz, a sweet-faced blonde girl. “Do you know where Sasha is? I took this for her…” She held out a loaf of bread and a canteen of water.

“You...You stole food for Sasha?”

As Krista nodded, you heard someone collapse. You rushed over to see Sasha, laying face-down on the ground. “Sasha! Are you okay?” You patted her back gently as she panted. “I told you to put the fucking potato away-”

You were interrupted by a glow in Sasha’s eyes as she sniffed the air. She darted to Krista, practically flying through the air as she grabbed the bread and devoured it.

“I’m sorry there isn’t more! This is all I could take.” Krista apologized as Sasha looked at her.

You snorted. “Don’t apologize. She’s acting like a monster.” You tossed your water canteen to her. “Drink. You’ve been running all day.”

Sasha drank the contents of the canteen, and Krista gingerly handed her another. “Don’t drink too fast, you’ll make yourself sick!” she exclaimed in a panicked voice.

“What the hell are you girls doing?”

You turned and saw Ymir, looking at Sasha, amused. She had collapsed into Krista’s lap, asleep.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's your first day of real training, and Shadis makes an embarrassing assumption.

“ALL RIGHT, SHIT FOR BRAINS, YOU’RE GOING TO START 3DMG TRAINING! LET IT BE KNOWN THAT IF YOU PROVE YOURSELVES AS STUPID AS YOU ALL LOOK, YOU’LL BE HEADING RIGHT BACK TO THE SHITHOLES YOU CAME FROM!”

You adjusted your belt, trying to get a feel for how you could control all of the harnesses strapped to you. You got the sense that most of your weight would be concentrated in your hips and thighs, and you’d have to work from your center to keep your balance. You watched as cadet after cadet failed in keeping their balance, tipping over easily. Some of them cried as their heads struck the ground. Others were determined, and would succeed on their second or third try.

You were called up, along with Sasha, Connie, and Jean. You patiently waited for your belt to be hooked to the rigging, your heart pounding as you were reeled up. Sasha was practically in a sitting position, smiling goofily as she swayed back and forth. Connie, sweating bullets, wiggled around as he tried to maintain his balance. Jean glared at you as you were both reeled up at the same time. You wavered a bit at first, but thrust your arms to the side for balance, fingers reaching out, as if holding the air would keep you up. You raised your eyebrows at Jean, who was balancing precariously. It was clear from the look in his eyes that he wanted to be better than you.

As he maintained his posture, you felt yourself tilting forward. Panicking, you threw your head back, trying to return to an upright position. You threw yourself with too much force, though, and ended up hanging upside down.

“WHAT’S WRONG, CADET? TOO BUSY MAKING EYES AT KIRSTEIN TO STAY UPRIGHT?” Shadis yelled at you.

“No, sir! Definitely not making eyes at Horseface!” you replied, fully aware that it would seem as if your rear end was doing the talking.

“Get her down.” Shadis instructed the cadet in charge of your contraption. You sat on the ground, defeated. “You get one more shot, cadet. Get distracted by...Someone…” he looked over at Jean. “And you’ll be OUT IN THE FUCKING FIELDS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?”

“Yes, sir!” You saluted, before being reeled up again. You glared at Jean, who looked both amused and insulted. “What the fuck are you looking at, Kirstein?” You were practically spitting with rage at Shadis’s implication. You kept a steady posture this time, staying upright and still. “If you think I’m making eyes at you, Horseface, you’re very, very mistaken.” you growled, not looking in his direction.

“Like I would care,” Jean muttered in reply.

\----

You ignored Jean at dinner that night, opting to sit with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin instead. “What happened to you, Eren?” you asked, eyes wide with concern. His head was bandaged, and he was looking off in the distance like he didn’t even hear you. Mikasa grasped his shoulder, and he yelped.

“What the hell, Mikasa?!” he shouted.

“Worrying won’t solve anything, Eren. You can still get some practice in before tomorrow.” Armin tried desperately to reassure his friend. He turned to Mikasa. “You’ll help, right?”

Mikasa sat, still and silent as always. “Maybe...Maybe you should give up on becoming a soldier, Eren.”

“What?! After everything we’ve been through?” Eren’s eyes were full of fire. You wondered if that’s what you had looked like, when you had threatened Jean. If it was, you could understand why Jean had looked frightened. Eren looked ready to kill anything that stood in his way.

You glanced over at Jean. To your surprise, you saw Sasha sitting next to Connie. She gestured to his food, and he put his arms over his tray protectively. Jean and Marco were deep in conversation, but as soon as your eyes went to the back of Jean’s head, he turned around, catching you.

“Wow, you really can’t keep your eyes off me, can you?” he chuckled smugly.

“Tch. Don’t flatter yourself.” you replied, whirling around. Eren and Mikasa were still arguing, and Armin looked helpless to stop them. You rolled your eyes, not so much upset with either Eren or Mikasa - in fact, part of you thought Mikasa had a point - but upset with yourself for getting caught looking at Kirstein. You fought the urge to slam your hand on the table, settling for getting up and slamming your tray in front of Sasha instead. “Here. Don’t waste it.”

You stormed out of the dining hall for the second night in a row, worked up about Jean fucking Kirstein. You heard footsteps behind you, and looked over to see Connie and Sasha. “You left the food behind?” you asked Sasha incredulously.

She shook her head. “Like hell. I drank all the soup and stuffed the bread in my jacket.” she beamed.

“So uh, what’s going on with you and Kirstein?” Connie asked. Sasha slapped his shoulder lightly. “Ow! I mean...Sorry.” he winced.

“What Connie MEANT to ask was why you’re so upset about that stupid horseface. Good nickname!” Sasha giggled.

“He’s so annoying! He’s so arrogant, and thinks he’s so goddamn great!” You punched your right fist into your left palm, hard. “I can’t stand people like that! Just watch, he’s going to make top ten, and just be so fucking obnoxious about joining the Military Police! He’s going to throw it in everyone else’s face that we’re the ones more likely to die!”

Connie shrugged. “He’s just being honest about that part. I mean, face it, you made yourself a target when you said you were going to join the Scouts. Jaeger’s getting the same shit you are. Best to just keep your mouth shut.”

You growled low in your throat, deciding to not respond as you headed into the girls’ barracks. Sasha came in a few minutes later. “Hey, Connie didn’t mean anything, he just doesn’t want you to get all worked up about Jean!” she said brightly, patting your back.

“But he’s so obnoxious! I can’t stand it. He shouldn’t even be, like, allowed!” You fumbled over your words in your frustration, and Sasha giggled. “Shut up, Blouse,” You shoved your shoulder into hers gently, unable to suppress the smile on your face.

An hour after lights-out, you were still awake. Sasha was snoring away, and you could just barely hear Mikasa whimpering in her sleep. No surprise, given that she came from Shiganshina. A loud snapping sound from outside got your attention, and you quietly crawled out of your bunk and headed to the window.

To your surprise, you saw Eren and Armin following Reiner Braun and Bertolt Hoover away from base camp. You realized that they were heading for the 3DMG training grounds. You grinned to yourself. If Eren Jaeger was getting the same treatment you were, but was still this determined, you would just have to work harder to match him


	4. Dedication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes, I DO ship Sasha/Connie, why do you ask?

The morning bell rang throughout the camp, and you could hear the other girls stirring from their sleep. You hadn’t slept well, for the second night in a row, occupied by thoughts of the Survey Corps, Eren heading to practice in the middle of the night, and Jean Kirstein. He had gotten under your skin in a way no one ever had before. You and Sasha had always had a tumultuous friendship - she was stubborn as an ox, and so were you. You butted heads often, but you loved each other like sisters. Even she, who knew every button to press, never got to you the way smug, cocky Jean Kirstein had.

Sasha perked up after breakfast, especially after Connie shyly offered her the rest of his oatmeal. You raised your eyebrows slightly. Connie was not one to share his food - he was almost as bad as Sasha in that regard - and the fact that he had given so willingly made you snicker.

You headed back to the 3DMG training grounds with Sasha and Connie, the two of them playfully bickering the entire way. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were ahead of you. You could tell from the way Eren’s shoulders were set that he was determined to pass today. You grinned. No one could match Eren’s drive.

Without Kirstein to distract you, you easily passed your training, and ran to join the whooping Sasha and Connie. Marco even gave you a congratulatory pat on the back. Kirstein joined your group after he passed, and you deliberately avoided him, moving to put Connie between you. You rolled your eyes and shoved Sasha towards him when he looked disappointed.

“Pfft. Jaeger’s up. Well, at least temporarily.” Kirstein smirked.

“At least he’s trying! He works harder than anyone else here!” You quickly jumped to Eren’s defense, shooting a stare like daggers.

“Making eyes at Jaeger now, huh?”

“Shut the fuck up.” you replied through gritted teeth. You knew you shouldn’t have risen to the bait.

Eren looked nervous as he was reeled up. He stayed upright, and you let out a whoop of excitement. Unfortunately, just as soon as you did, he fell over. Kirstein chuckled, and you wanted nothing more than to punch him in his stupid, rude mouth.

“Wagner. Change belts with Jaeger.” Shadis commanded.

“Y-yes sir!” Wagner saluted before removing his belt, and handing it to Eren. Eren was reeled up yet again, and stayed perfectly balanced.

“Your belt was defective, Jaeger. Given the proper equipment, you might not be as awful as you look.” Shadis’s compliment was, of course, given with an insult.

“He stayed up, though...Even with faulty equipment, he stayed up!” Marco’s voice was filled with awe. Sasha and Connie were jumping up and down, cheering. You grinned in Eren’s direction, although he couldn’t see - he was focused on Mikasa and Armin. Mikasa’s eyes were shining, whether with tears or pride, you couldn’t tell.

\-----

You flew through the air, wires flying from your hips, wind blowing through your hair. This is what you were made for. You weren’t as good as many others - Mikasa excelled at everything she did, Eren’s determination made him formidable, and you had to admit (though reluctantly) that Kirstein was a natural when it came to 3DMG. Still, you sliced down your fair share of Titan dummies during training.

“Ya-haaa!” You heard her shriek before you saw her. The dummy you were going for already had two deep slashes in the nape.

“Damn it, Sasha!” you shouted back, as she bounced up and down on her wires. “Leave some for me!”

“Better catch up if you want to be a Scout!” she taunted you cheerfully as she darted away.

Gritting your teeth, you chased after her. “Left!” you heard Marco shout. You sped to the left, grimacing as your harnesses dug into your flesh. There were two Titan dummies in front of you. Pressing down the gas lever, you rushed, as fast as you could, towards them. You easily sliced through one, and were going for the second, when someone whizzed past you in a blur, beating you to the punch. You continued anyway, shoving your blades through, before landing on a tree branch next to your classmate.

“Whatever happened to fighting me for top ten, girl?” Kirstein’s lilting voice came from your right.

“Just you wait, Kirstein. We’ve got another year left of this.” you growled as you pulled your trigger. Your relationship with Jean Kirstein had not improved since your first days of training. If anything, your rivalry very nearly matched his rivalry with Eren Jaeger. Eren paid little mind to Kirstein, but you suspected that Kirstein’s affection for Mikasa had something to do with his bitter hatred of Eren.

You flew from tree to tree, burying your blades in any Titan dummy you saw, heading for the edge of the forest. You saw the real challengers for top ten ahead of you - Sasha, Annie, Eren, Mikasa, Marco, even Kirstein had beaten you to the punch. You let out a sigh just before landing softly on your feet behind them.

“Why do you let him bother you so much?” Sasha asked you as you walked back to camp. “He’s just an idiot, you know. Let him fight it out with Eren instead!”

“I can’t! He practically challenged me on our first day here, I can’t let that slide!” You roughly thrust your blade holders into their holsters at your sides.

Sasha sighed, ruffling your hair affectionately. “You have too much pride! You always have, you know.”

“Who’s got a slide?” Connie practically skipped to the pair of you, bouncing next to Sasha.

“No one has a slide, you idiot!” Sasha giggled, patting Connie’s shaved head. “What the hell is wrong with your hearing, anyway?”

You walked beside them in silence. Kirstein was pushing your buttons. You wanted nothing more than to score higher than him, maybe force a little modesty into that pea-sized brain. At the rate you were going, there was no way you’d make top ten. It was frightening competition. Between the naturally talented Mikasa, the devoted Eren, terrifying Annie, the giants of Reiner and Bertolt, there was simply too much competition in the 104th.

Still, though. Anything to wipe that smirk off of Kirstein’s face.

 


	5. Off to the Races

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for horseback training - something you and Sasha can both excel at. A challenge from Shadis prompts a race between you and your rival. Unfortunately, the aftermath is more embarrassing than victorious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying so hard not to rush to the Battle of Trost arc. I've already written several chapters from that, and the aftermath, because I just couldn't get them out of my head. There's still some training left to go before graduation, though! At least a couple more chapters, I'm sure. I don't think I'm very good at writing the misadventures of the 104th. The dramatic stuff is where I think I excel, and the Battle of Trost is nothing if not dramatic.
> 
> More Sasha/Connie shipping (which, I just learned that is apparently called "Springles"?? SO CUTE.), and the tiniest hint that maybe there's more to your rivalry with Jean than even you realize.
> 
> (Also I very much wanted to write hate sex, I'll be honest. Maybe an alternate chapter or something in the future.)

Riding on horseback was the one thing that you excelled at over Jean Kirstein. Having grown up in Dauper with Sasha, you had spent many afternoons riding through the wilderness, racing each other. The pair of you were ahead of the group by far, laughing and egging each other on. For a moment, you forgot that you were training for the military, thrown back to the memory of riding your chestnut mare through fields and plains.

You stopped, breathless and exhilarated. Your classmates caught up to you after a few minutes. Connie looked exhausted and terrified - he had ended up with the largest horse, a stallion that could have easily crushed his small frame. Sasha rode to his side, gently patting the creature’s nose. He nickered at her affectionately.

“Sasha did always have a way with animals...Maybe that’s why she’s so fond of you, Connie!” you joked, making Sasha blush and Connie sputter words of protest. You spotted Kirstein, riding up alongside Marco. He looked to be having some trouble controlling his grey gelding. The horse was neighing and stomping his hooves reluctantly.

“Troublesome family reunion, Kirstein?” you smirked at him. A look of anger spread across his face as he made to dismount, but Marco put a gentle hand on his arm to stop him. “Better take Marco’s advice, Horseface. I don’t think you could catch me on foot.”

Kirstein looked like he was about to say something, but was interrupted by Shadis. “ALL RIGHT, MOUTHBREATHERS, LET’S GET BACK TO CAMP!” He looked to you and Sasha. “SEE IF YOU CAN KEEP UP WITH THE DAUPER GIRLS!”

“Ooh, is that a challenge?” Sasha perked up immediately, grabbing hold of the reins and galloping away. “Come on! We gotta beat them now!” she called back to you.

You urged your mare forwards and chased after Sasha. The wind blew through your hair and stung your eyes, but the freedom of being away from camp, of riding like you did as a child, made you shriek with laughter and joy. You heard hoofbeats behind you, getting closer. Kirstein was gaining on you, a fierce look in his eyes. “Don’t think you’ll catch me, Kirstein!” you taunted.

He was silent. It surprised you - normally Kirstein was always quick to make some smart retort. He was getting plenty of practice at it, between you and Eren. Instead, his eyes narrowed as he pressed forward.

He gained on you, and actually ended up ahead of you by about ten feet at one point. You could see that his horse was tiring. In the Survey Corps, the horses were well-bred and trained, ensuring that they could go incredibly long distances without tiring. The Trainees, however, didn’t have that luxury - Survey Corps horses were the most expensive thing behind the Walls. You maintained a steady pace, as to not exhaust your mare. Kirstein looked back and smirked at you, thinking he was going to win this impromptu race. You raised your eyebrows, noticing his slowing speed.

You spotted the camp ahead of you. Sasha was already there, arms held high in victory. You didn’t care about beating Sasha - you had beat her in races plenty as a child. This race was all about Jean Kirstein. You dug your heels into your horse’s sides, leaning forward. “Let’s go, girl,” you whispered to her. As if she could understand you, she whinnied and increased her pace. “See you, Kirstein!” you called back to him as you passed.

He tried to get his steed to go faster, but the horse was exhausted. He passed through the fences of the camp a full minute after you - but at least two minutes before the rest of the class. You had to admit, you were a little impressed. The competition between the pair of you was forcing you both to be better.

You dismounted and patted the mare affectionately. You heard a loud sound behind you, and looked over to see Kirstein fall to the ground, his foot caught in the stirrup. For a split second, you had the urge to go over and make sure he was okay. After all, it was probably your fault that he was shaking with fury. When you saw the glare on his face, your look of concern disappeared, turning into a snarl.

“Looks like I won this one, Kirstein. Maybe next time!” you waved him off as you led your mare back to the stables. You could hear him sputtering insults behind you, and Marco’s quiet voice trying to calm him.

“You and Jean, man. You guys are going to kill each other at this rate.” Connie shook his head as he nervously gave his stallion a carrot. “Can’t you just lay off? He’s got enough going on with Eren.”

“I’ll lay off when he does.” you replied stubbornly. Connie and Sasha exchanged exasperated looks.

“I can’t believe he beat me!” You could hear the anger in Eren’s voice. “Stupid Horseface. Maybe he could just talk to his horse better, he probably knows the language!”

“Eren.” Mikasa gently chided him.

“At least he got beat by you and Sasha!” Eren perked up when he saw you. He held out his hand, and you gave him a high-five, laughing. “Someone needs to put that guy in his place. Coward.” he muttered, leading his horse to its stall.

\-----

Dinner that night was as awkward as it always was. You had taken to sitting with Sasha and Connie, who were quickly bonding over their equally oddball personalities. The unfortunate side effect was having to sit at a table with Kirstein. Marco’s presence usually kept him in check, but he was still fuming about the race.

“Chill out, Jean. She’s been riding forever! She used to beat me in races all the time!” Sasha was as chipper as always, but she was silenced by the death glare that Kirstein shot in her direction. He stabbed at his food angrily, occasionally giving you a look that could kill. You rolled your eyes every time, which only seemed to infuriate him more.

“Next time. Just you wait.” he muttered at you as he deliberately bumped your shoulder while you were putting your dishes away.

“That a challenge, Kirstein?” you practically purred at him. His face reddened. “As if there’s a chance. You can beat me at 3DMG all you want, but I’ll out-ride you any day.”

The words escaped from your mouth before you realized what you were saying. Now the pair of you were standing completely still, both red-faced and embarrassed. “Um...Uh...I mean…” You glanced around you, praying that no one heard. The only person looking at you was Sasha, whose eyes were wide. You grabbed her arm and hurried out of the dining hall.

“I can’t believe I said that.” you moaned as you walked back to the barracks.

“I can’t, either! Who knew you had it in you?” Sasha was cackling. You punched her shoulder. “Oh, come on. I didn’t know if you were going to kill him or kiss him on that first night!”

You shook your head in disgust. “Horseface? Ugh. You and Connie, on the other hand…” you hurriedly changed the subject.

Sasha shrieked and covered her face, embarrassed. It was true that you had what was probably considered an unhealthy obsession with Jean Kirstein, but it was a bitter, consuming hatred. The only thing you appreciated about him was that his attitude kept pushing you to work harder.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In hand-to-hand combat training, some of your words come back to you in a highly embarrassing fashion.

“She drives me absolutely insane.” Jean moaned, his face buried into his pillow. Marco looked on helplessly, while Connie snickered to himself. “What’s so damn funny, Springer?” He angrily tossed a pillow directly at the smaller boy’s head.

“She’s probably having the same conversation with Sasha right now.” Connie replied, dodging the pillow. “You guys are so stupid. Just have it out with Jaeger or something, don’t waste your energy on two people, man.”

“He has a point, Jean. Don’t get all worked up about her.” Marco said sagely.

Jean remained silent. True, Jaeger was a suicidal maniac, intent on killing every Titan he saw, and got on Jean’s last nerve. You seemed to be cut from the same cloth, only without the vengeful bloodlust in your eyes. Still, something about you drove him insane. He’d never had problems with people taking down his pride before. Eren wasn’t as vocal as you were - he preferred to let results do the talking. You taunted him at every opportunity, forcing him to think quickly of retorts.

Two years you had trained together. True, he outperformed you in nearly every category, but it was your wit that got to him. You took every opportunity to insult him, to try to bring his ego down a notch. Jean regretted to say that it was almost working.

“Hand to hand tomorrow, boys! Better rest up!” Reiner’s booming voice rang throughout the barracks. Jean settled in for a night of fitful slumber.

\-----

“Springer and Blouse! Braun and Jaeger! Bott and Ackerman! (L/N), you’re with Kirstein!” Shadis shouted your pairings. You cringed. In the two years since joining the military, you had yet to be paired with Kirstein for anything. You had a feeling that Shadis wanted the pair of you to finally duke it out and get over your ridiculous rivalry.

A lot of people blew off hand to hand training, thinking it was relatively pointless when it came to battling Titans. You were occasionally one of them, spending a lot of time goofing off with Sasha, or playfully wrestling with Marco. Against Kirstein, though, you would not go so easy.

You scowled at Kirstein when he stepped towards you, an equally disdainful look on his face. “Ready to get taken down?” you said cockily, tilting your head to the side and giving a sickly sweet smile.

“You wish.” he smirked back at you. You narrowed your eyes and ran towards him, wooden knife in your hand. He was caught off-guard momentarily, and you easily wrapped an arm around his neck, swinging around and practically hanging from his back. He reached for the knife in your hand - the point was to disarm the person, anyway - but you quickly pulled away, pushing yourself off from his back. He stumbled and fell to his knees.

“Looks like you regret all that time slacking off, Kirstein.” You tossed the knife, spinning it in the air before catching it by the handle again. “Wanna try that again?”

He got up, eyes blazing as he darted for you. You thrust a hand out, pushing against his chest, but he was too strong for you. He grabbed your extended wrist and twirled you around, pulling your back to his chest, keeping your arm pressed close to your body. You could feel his breath on your neck as he easily plucked the knife from your fingers. “That wasn’t so hard.” he said quietly into your ear.

“Watch out, or you’ll get another headbutt like you did on your first day.” you hissed through your teeth. He pulled his neck back at your threat, and you pulled yourself away, turning with your wrist still in his hand, like some sort of violent dance. While he was still reeling, you bent your knees and swept your leg, knocking him down. “That wasn’t so hard.” you taunted.

He growled with rage. “What’s your problem? You don’t even want to join the MP, so why are you trying so damn hard?” he yelled.

“Just to beat you, Kirstein. Isn’t it obvious?”

He flew at you, all pretense of friendly sparring set aside. You were surprised at his seriousness, and you grounded yourself, prepared. He grabbed you around your midsection and you both tumbled to the dirt. You both wrestled for control, all flailing limbs like angry cats. You clawed at his arm, and grabbed hold of his jacket. With all your strength, you flipped him over and straddled his chest, holding both of his arms down. In his surprise, his eyes widened and he stopped struggling. You looked at each other, anger turning to wide-eyed stares.

“She did say she’d out-ride him.” You heard Connie snicker, followed by a yelp of pain when Sasha hit him.

You scrambled up, embarrassed. Kirstein was equally red-faced as he stumbled to his feet. Sasha looked like she was about to burst into laughter, and you could see Eren snickering. You glared at him. “Hey Braun! Switch partners with me.” you demanded. Reiner shrugged and headed your direction, while Eren looked fearful at the embarrassed rage on your face.

“No, I swear, I didn’t actually mean to laugh-” Eren was cut off when you knocked him to the ground.


	7. You Call Yourself a Soldier?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Jean get into an argument, and you come to a realization about Jean Kirstein.

You rolled your eyes as Kirstein continued bragging about his skills with 3DMG. “If you use your inertia, you use less gas. Not everyone can do it.”

“I wish he’d just shut his fucking mouth.” you muttered. Eren nodded his head in agreement, while Mikasa and Armin exchanged an exasperated look. “He’s not even going to use the gear if he’s going to live in the Interior, so what’s the point in bragging about it?”

You continued to eat in silence as Marco waxed poetic about working under the King. Kirstein let out a cruel laugh. “Just be honest with yourself, Marco. You don’t have to act like you’re all high and mighty, you just want to be safe like the rest of us and live in the Interior.”

“Five years ago, this was part of the Interior, too. Or did you forget?” Eren piped up. Kirstein glared at him. “Jean, I think the inside of your head is pleasant wherever you are.”

You nearly choked, and your reaction was mirrored by the cadets around you. Reiner and Connie were shaking with giggles. Sasha’s eyes were wide, while Mikasa looked unaffected as usual. “Don’t you think it’s strange, how we’re honing our skills to defeat the Titans only to get away from them?”

“Whatever, the system works and I’ll play to it if I have to.” Kirstein smirked in response.

Eren jumped up, fists clenched. “You piece of shit!”

Kirstein stood in challenge. “I’m just being honest!”

Armin tried to calm Eren, but Mikasa was faster. “Stop it.” she said calmly, removing Eren’s hand from Kirstein’s shirt and holding it between hers. She looked sternly at Eren, who stared back, but calmed.

Kirstein growled and grabbed Eren’s shirt, shoving him against the wall. “Don’t fuck with me, you suicidal maniac!"

Eren yelped. “What the hell are you talking about?!”

“You know what I’m talking about! I’m so goddamn jealous!”

It hit you like a bolt of lightning. Of course. Jean Kirstein was jealous. You knew that he harbored a little crush on Mikasa. You knew that he wanted nothing more than to be the best. Eren Jaeger was a threat to him. Eren had Mikasa’s devotion (although he was seemingly blind to it), he had the drive and dedication that Kirstein lacked. The only thing that seemed to motivate Kirstein was his desire to live. He didn’t have the fire that you and Eren had, none of the passion to reclaim the territory lost to the Titans, to see a world beyond the Walls.

Jean Kirstein was jealous of Eren Jaeger, and by extension, of you.

You were pulled from your thoughts when Kirstein hit the ground. “Ow! What the hell was that?” he shouted at Eren.

“Something I picked up in hand-to-hand training today while you were busy arguing. You think slacking off and letting personal shit get in the way is reality? Can you even call yourself a soldier?” Eren asked, looking frighteningly calm.

The entire dining hall was silent. The door creaked open. “I heard a loud noise. Anyone care to explain what the hell it was?” Shadis asked, glaring. Eren and Kirstein sat back down, not looking at one another.

Mikasa raised her hand. “Sasha farted, sir.”

“WHAT?!” Sasha shrieked, looking mortified. Everyone snickered.

“Tch. Learn some self control, for fuck’s sake.” Shadis shut the door behind him.

“MIKASA!” Sasha grabbed Mikasa’s arm and began to blabber incoherently. Mikasa quickly shut her up by shoving a loaf of bread in your friend’s mouth. Strangely, it had a calming effect on her. You looked over at Kirstein to find him deep in thought.

The next day, as you practiced sparring with Armin, you noticed Kirstein putting in a lot more effort than usual.

 


	8. Graduation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The top ten of the class is announced, and you all must decide which military branch to join.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy rushed, Batman. I honestly had no clue what else to write, so I just rushed through graduation. Oops.

“Ya-haa! I bet I made top ten! I bet you did, too!” Sasha proudly ruffled your hair. You batted her off. “Come on! You probably beat Jean, right?!”

You shrugged. You had your doubts. The only thing you knew you passed with flying colors was the horseback riding. You did all right in hand-to-hand (mostly because you were paired with Armin, more than likely), but that barely counted for any part of your score. Kirstein had absolutely demolished in 3DMG combat, much to your dismay. He had even done well in hand-to-hand.

Sasha straightened her jacket as you walked into the square. You were all called to attention, and stood in lines, heads high. “104th Trainee Squad! Tomorrow you will choose your path! The Garrison Regiment, where you will protect the walls! The Scouting Legion, where you will venture to reclaim territory lost to the Titans! Or the Military Police, working in service to the King! However, the Military Police is only available to the top ten graduates!”

Everyone stood a little straighter. You could feel the nerves radiating off of your fellow trainees.

“Ten! Krista Lenz!”

Krista’s blue eyes were wide with shock, and Ymir had to actually shove her forwards.

“Nine! Sasha Blouse!”

Sasha whooped before realizing she should be more solemn. She gave you a wink as she headed to stand next to Krista.

“Eight! Connie Springer!”

Connie couldn’t hide the smile on his face, and Sasha gave him a small high-five as he took his place next to her.

“Seven! Marco Bott!”

Freckled Marco stepped forward, beaming.

“Six! Jean Kirstein!”

You couldn’t help but let out a groan. At this point, you knew you had not made the top ten. Kirstein had to pass you in order to step to the front. “Didn’t fight hard enough, did you?” he leaned in and whispered to you as he walked by. It took every ounce of your self-control to not outright punch him. Even after he took his place, you felt the ghost of his whisper in your ear.

“Five! Eren Jaeger!”

Eren had a fierce, determined look on his face as he stood next to Kirstein. You noticed that Kirstein was glaring at him, and smirked. At least Eren beat him, even if you couldn’t.

“Four! Annie Leonhart! Three! Bertolt Hoover! Two! Reiner Braun!”

The solemn-looking trio each took their spots, as Mikasa’s name was called as top of the class. No surprise there. “104th Trainee Squad! You are now graduates! Serve with honor!”

\-----

At the graduation dinner that night, you spent the majority of the evening sitting alone. Sasha and Connie were discussing all the meals they’d get as members of the Military Police. Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt sat at a table to themselves silently. Eren was with Mikasa and Armin, of course (you had taken to calling them the “Shiganshina Trio”, as they were nearly inseparable). You noticed Jean Kirstein sitting alone at a table across from you. You rolled your eyes and sipped your drink.

“We can’t beat them!”

The entire hall went silent at Thomas’s outburst. There was a moment of silence, then Eren began to speak passionately.

“Wonderful. Another one of Jaeger’s motivational speeches.” Kirstein drawled. A giggle escaped your mouth before you could stop it. Kirstein turned to you. “Huh. So you do have a sense of humor after all.”

“Of course I do. You just don’t see it because you’re an insufferable ass.” you blushed. Now that you had graduated (and failed to beat Kirstein in the rankings), you had to admit to yourself that the rivalry was pretty stupid in the first place. He would be joining the Military Police the next day, and odds were that you’d never have to see his smug face again.

\-----

“I can’t believe our last job is cleaning the fucking cannons.” Connie moaned as he polished.

“Stop changing the subject! You’re joining the Survey Corps?” Eren shouted. “Why are you going to waste your shot at the MP?”

“I think your speech last night got to him!” Mina Carolina stepped in, adjusting her pigtails.

“Shut up! I made the decision on my own!” Connie blushed.

You quietly brushed away the dirt and dust that had built up on the cannon tracks. Hearing that Connie was going to join the Survey Corps got to you. You knew that Sasha would be devastated when she heard. She was upset enough that she would be separated from you, but to be torn from the best friend she had made in training?

“Guys! I don’t want you to panic or anything…” Sasha drifted off as she pulled a huge cut of meat from the inside of her jacket.

“Sasha, what the actual fuck did you do?” you half-yelled, half-laughed.

“Got it from the officers’ storehouse!” she giggled.

“Are you crazy? You’re going to end up in solitary!” Eren hissed at her. Meanwhile, Connie was looking at her in a mix of admiration and incredulity.

“We can slice it up and have it for lunch! Get some bread…” Sasha got that look in her eyes that she usually did when she talked about food. She knelt and put the meat into a box as everyone eventually caved and decided to share at lunch.

“I guess your motivational speeches are pretty good, Jaeger.” You stood next to Eren, nudging his shoulder. “Connie, Thomas...Hell, you might even convince Sasha before the day is out.”

Eren shrugged. “It’s not like I mean to. I don’t want them to join if they don’t want to. We all know what it’s going to be like. You and I have been the only ones who wanted to join the Scouts from the start.”

You stood silently, gazing out over the land that had been lost five years previous. Someday, that land would belong to humanity again. You would join the Survey Corps and take back Wall Maria. You’d have all the land you needed to raise livestock, grow crops, and build new villages. A smile spread slowly across your face as you and Eren exchanged looks of determination.

_**CRASH!** _

You whirled around, hands already at your holsters, prepared after years of training.

You weren’t prepared for what you saw.

A giant face with no skin. Teeth that were clenched in a grimace. Blank eyes, masked a bit by the steam and smoke rising around you. Everyone was stunned into silence.

The Colossal Titan had returned.

 


	9. The Beginning of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While everyone around you starts to lose it, you and Eren Jaeger are both almost frighteningly calm. Together, can the pair of you manage to force everyone to get it together?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so a note about spelling: I know that there are different ways of spelling characters' names - Kirstein/Kirschtein, Krista Lenz/Christa Renz. It was never more obvious to me than with Kitts freakin' Woerman. So, I've decided to just stick with whatever spelling is on the SNK wiki. Hence, Kirstein, Krista Lenz, and Kitts Woerman.

Everyone stood in a stunned silence, staring at the gargantuan figure. A burst of steam came from it, strong enough to fling every cadet off the Wall. Thinking quickly, you pulled the trigger of your 3DMG and planted your feet against the stone. “Samuel!” you heard someone shout.

Sasha was quick. She ran down the Wall, and shot a wire through Samuel’s leg. “Don’t move!” she yelled to him. You weren’t certain if he was even conscious to hear her.

“Shit...The Wall’s been breached! The Titans will get in!” Connie’s panicked shout rang through the air as you glanced down. Sure enough, the Colossal Titan had kicked a hole through the gate.

You glanced over at Eren and saw the fear in his eyes. Of course. This was practically a flashback for him. He had never talked much about the disaster at Shiganshina, but you could only imagine the terrors he saw that day. Looking over at you, his fear turned to determination. He gave you a quick nod, and then launched himself upwards.

“This is our chance! Take out the Colossal Titan!” he yelled, taking command.

“Sasha! Take care of Samuel!” you yelled over to your friend. She nodded, and as gingerly as she could, lowered herself to grab Samuel and go to the ground. Once you were sure she was safe, you followed Eren’s lead. “Eren! Take the left!”

He nodded as you went right. _Nape of the neck. Cut that bastard down._ You shot a wire into the Colossal’s shoulder, just in time. It swung its arm out, wiping out all of the cannons that you and your squadmates had spent so long cleaning. _That bastard! It knew! It’s...It’s intelligent!_

More determined than ever, you and Eren sailed in from opposite directions. Not even needing to acknowledge one another, you moved in tandem. He went in first, stabbing the Titan in the neck. You followed, rushing in with blades at the ready.

Another burst of steam pushed you away. You yelled Eren’s name, unable to see him through the heavy fog. Panicked, you flung yourself back towards the Wall, crashing into it clumsily. As the fog cleared, you readjusted yourself and saw Eren next to you. “What the hell was that?”

He shook his head, looking down at the ground. Two giant footprints were embedded deep in the ground, but there was absolutely no sign of the Colossal Titan anywhere. “Where the hell did it go?” Eren kicked the wall in frustration. You made your way up the wall, confused. _Where could it have gone? 50 meter Titans don’t just disappear into thin air._

“Hey! Look alive! Operation Colossal Titan Response is in effect!” A Garrison soldier shouted at you, Eren, Connie, and Thomas. “Report to HQ!”

The four of you saluted, and made your way to headquarters. You could hear the sound of cannonfire over the screaming of the civilians. “This isn’t good...The panic is going to make evacuating damn near impossible!” Connie exclaimed as you watched a man shove a mother and child aside. You all increased your pace as you darted through the streets. You thought of your fellow soldiers - where were they? Did they all make it, or were some of them crushed by the rubble?

You rushed into the supply room, ready to refuel and ensure you had sharp blades. You could hear Armin fretting to himself, rambling out numbers and scenarios. Eren quickly went to his side. Connie scanned the room, and grabbed your hand when he spotted Sasha. You gave your friend a brief hug. “How’s Samuel?” you asked.

Sasha shook her head. “In medical care, but I don’t know. He lost a lot of blood.” Her hands shook as she refueled her gas. “I know we practiced this, but...It’s so much different when it’s real.” she whispered, practically to herself.

Your mind raced, trying to run through your mental checklist: gas, blades, check your triggers, make sure your harnesses were tight. You were rushed outside with the other soldiers, where Commander Kitts Woerman nervously shouted directions. His eyes were wide and panicked, his voice trembling with fear.

“I expect you all to man your posts, knowing that the advance team has been wiped out!”

A murmur went through the crowd. The advance team, already gone? It had barely been twenty minutes since the appearance of the Colossal Titan. Suddenly you realized the weight of the situation.

“Be aware, all of you, that desertion is punishable by execution! If it comes to it, lay down your lives! Dismissed!”

“Sir!” every soldier replied in unison. The crowd dispersed quickly, and you found yourself with several of your squadmates. Several were pacing with their heads in their hands. Others sat in a stunned silence. Krista Lenz was comforting a soldier who had vomited into the street.

“Just one more day, I would’ve been in the Interior!” you heard Jean Kirstein groan miserably. Your eyes narrowed as you stomped over to him.

“Kirstein! Get it together!” you shouted. He looked up at you and scowled. Shoving you aside, he stood and walked away. You chased after him. “Kirstein!”

He ran directly into Eren Jaeger. You winced. This wasn’t going to be pretty. Eren didn’t look upset, even when Kirstein made to shove him away. “You’re loving this, aren’t you? You little psycho!”

You were about to rush in to separate them, hearing Kirstein yell more about “suicidal maniac” and “Titan fodder”, but suddenly Eren fought back, shoving Kirstein against the wall by his collar. You noticed that as Eren spoke, in that passionate tone that he got occasionally, the recent graduates around you that had been slouching or terrified gained a look of power in their eyes. Even Kirstein had the decency to look embarrassed for himself.

Mikasa approached Eren, and you took that as a sign to leave. You chased after Kirstein. “So, Eren’s motivational speeches aren’t all bad, are they?” you quipped. You could have sworn you saw the tiniest hint of a smile on Kirstein’s face as you joined him, and the rest of your squad, on the rooftops of Trost.


	10. Fulfilled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and your squad attempt to carry out your mission, but when the retreat is sounded, you all come to a grim realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it's been awhile! I was a little stuck for a bit on how to write this. I'm aware that the dialogue isn't lifted straight from the anime. It's hard for me, I feel weird copying it exactly, but I still want it to be familiar.

“Oh god...There are so many,” Krista whispered as you looked towards the gate. It was clear that the advance guard was gone. Titans crouched through the hole in the gate, their mouths open in hunger, eyes blank. You could hardly breathe, your breath coming out in shaky spurts.

“How are there so many of them? Has the vanguard already been taken out, too?” Connie asked, anger in his voice.

“Undoubtedly a lot of the more experienced soldiers are safe behind the Wall. They’re too important to lose.” Jean’s voice was laced with sarcasm. You heard a loud scream in the distance, and everyone looked towards it. “That’s what we’ve got to look forward to.”

You growled. “Kirstein, if you’re going to be like that, just keep it to yourself, okay?” You took a step towards him, lowering your voice so only he could hear. “Listen, people are already scared. You don’t need to scare them more. Please.” He looked at your pleading eyes, and nodded sharply. “Thank you.”

“Well? Are we going to fight these guys, or what?” Ymir whooped as she took off, brandishing her blades menacingly.

You took one last look at your squadmates, fully aware that it may be the last time you’d see any of them alive. Your eyes lingered for a moment on Jean Kirstein, who, despite his sarcasm and sharp tongue, had a fierce determination in his eyes. You all began to run, a bunch of fresh graduates right out of training. The advance guard had been groups of seasoned soldiers. How were a bunch of trainees going to fare out there?

Clouds hung heavy in the sky, and the threat of rain quickly turned into a reality. You tried to avoid skidding on the rooftops as you ran and flew. Breathlessly, you assisted your squad in taking down Titans. You didn’t count, although you knew you should be - kill and assist count mattered in the Survey Corps. You and Connie worked surprisingly well together. His agility outmatched yours, but it also ensured that while a Titan was distracted by you, he could go in for the kill.

As the rain slowed, so did the onslaught of Titans. You could still see them shambling through the hole in the Wall, but the immediate threat appeared to be taken care of. You landed on a rooftop across from Connie, Ymir, and Krista. Squinting, you saw Armin crouching, head in his hands. A feeling of dread washed over you, overwhelming you when you heard Armin’s screams. Jean and Marco, standing near you, looked over at Armin, who quieted when Connie calmed him. “Oh god, what happened?” you whispered to yourself. You noticed that the rest of Armin’s squad was nowhere to be seen.

“Cadets! Move out!” a commanding voice shouted, distracting you from your friends opposite you. You gave a hasty salute, and pressed on.

\-----

The retreat bell had been sounded. You gave a sigh of relief, but panic struck you when you tapped at your gas tanks.

Empty.

“Where the hell is the supply crew?” you asked, turning to anyone who could possibly answer.

“We’re all going to die. All because of those cowards.” Jean moaned.

“What happened to them?” Connie shouted in frustration.

“They lost the will to fight. They boarded themselves up inside HQ, abandoning their duty. Now there are Titans everywhere, and I can’t do anything about it because there’s no gas.” Jean was more monotone than you had ever heard him before. He had a look of defeat in his tired eyes.

“Then we should take them head-on! We won’t be able to get away, running will only waste what little we have left!”

You had to admire Connie’s determination. He was loud, louder than he ever was in training. His eyes were crazed and wide, and if the situation wasn’t so serious, you would be tempted to laugh. As it was, though, you were more inclined to side with Kirstein for once. You wanted to have Connie’s positivity and drive, but you had spent the last hours fighting to the point of exhaustion, watching friends die, not knowing which of your fellow trainees were still alive.

If you were to be honest with yourself, you wanted to curl up and sleep.

Jean continued on about HQ, about how the facility was probably full of smaller Titans. You could see larger ones crawling on the outside of the building. Eventually they would find the soldiers inside, eat them, and come for whatever pieces of humanity were left. You were about to mimic Kirstein’s position - sitting down with your head hanging low - but someone grabbed your arm and pulled you up.

“Sasha! You’re alive!” You hugged her close, grateful for at least one small miracle.

“We have to go! Let’s get them riled up so we can get out of here!” Sasha turned to everyone. “Come on, everyone! If we work together, we can beat them!”

Meanwhile, you headed towards Armin, who was crouched off to the side. He looked defeated and lost. “Armin! Help me get everyone going!” you called to him. He didn’t respond to you at all. _Maybe once Eren and Mikasa get here, he’ll be better...I felt better when I saw Sasha, after all._

You decided to give Armin his space, and went to Sasha’s side. “I don’t know what to do…” you muttered to her. She looked as empty as you felt. You heard Armin listing off the names of his squad members, and a feeling of dread settled in the pit of your stomach.

  
“These five soldiers fulfilled their duty! They gave their lives!”


	11. Leader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon discovering that Armin is all that's left of Eren's squad, you and your fellow soldiers press on to headquarters - partially in honor of Squad 34, and partially due to Mikasa's not so uplifting speech. To your surprise, you and Jean work surprisingly well together under pressure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue is lifted straight from the anime, but as I've stated, I feel weird doing that to the letter. Some parts have been changed a bit, or left out.

You and Sasha grabbed ahold of one another, supporting each other’s weight. “No…” she whispered. You were shocked into silence. _There’s no way...The whole squad? **Eren’s** squad?_

You heard a few mumbles among the graduates, most expressing shock. Some were even more defeated hearing that an entire squad was decimated. Mikasa stood and walked to the edge of the roof. “If we eliminate the Titans at HQ, we can refuel our gear, correct?” she asked stoically. You were surprised at her calm demeanor. You knew she was close to Eren. If it had been Sasha, you would be inconsolable, but here was Mikasa, taking action. You admired her, in a way.

“Well, yeah, I guess so...But there’s just too many of them. Even with you there-” Marco began.

“I can do it.” Mikasa drew a blade, holding it high. “I’m strong. Real strong. None of you come close. I am a warrior! I have the power to slay every Titan in our path. I’m surrounded by a bunch of cowardly worms! You disappoint me. You can just sit here and watch how it’s done!”

Voices of protest filled the air. “Mikasa! You can’t go alone!” you cried.

“If I can’t beat them, then I die. But if I win, I live. And the only way to win, is to fight!” Mikasa took off, a cloud of gas behind her.

“You know, I was expecting something more motivational.” Jean muttered. You snickered, then clapped a hand over your mouth. _Why am I laughing at a time like this? What’s wrong with me?_

You drew your last blade.

“Don’t just stand there! We weren’t taught to let a comrade fight alone! Unless you ARE a coward, in which case, stay out of my way!” Jean shouted, and went after Mikasa. Connie followed suit.

You grinned at Sasha. “You ready for this?” you asked. She nodded, and turned to everyone else.

“Hey! Seriously! Come on, you bunch of chickens!” she taunted them, and the pair of you followed your brave comrades.

Every single soldier was shouting, whooping, yelling their determination. If the Titans could understand what was happening, they would be terrified. Somehow, Mikasa’s speech, while certainly less motivational than something Eren would have said, had riled everyone up. Or was it Jean’s addition? Sasha’s taunt? Something within every soldier had been stirred, a sense of duty and camaraderie that wouldn’t allow Squad 34 to have died in vain.

“How is she going so fast?” Connie marveled at Mikasa’s speed. You and Armin appeared to come to the same conclusion at once.

“She’s using too much gas!” you shouted. Sure enough, Mikasa fell from the air. Armin shot after her like a rocket. You made to follow, but Connie stopped you.

“No! You two lead the rest to HQ!”

You and Jean exchanged looks - a look that had never been exchanged between the pair of you before. Instead of absolute hatred, he nodded at you, acknowledging your worth as a comrade. You couldn’t stop the small smile that appeared on your face at the twinkle in Jean’s eye. You whizzed through the air, side by side, leading your comrades to retake headquarters.

Jean stopped to catch his breath. You landed next to him, panting heavily yourself. “Be honest, Kirstein. Do you think we can do this?” you asked him quietly.

He didn’t respond. He was looking down. You followed his gaze and saw a soldier pulling his triggers desperately. Little puffs of gas were expelling from his gear, but not enough to launch him upwards. A Titan was walking leisurely towards him, and you could hear the soldier’s whimpers from the rooftop.

“We’re coming!” a voice from behind you shouted.

“No! Wait!” Jean yelled, but it was too late. Two soldiers went in, in an attempt to save their comrade. They were both immediately snatched up by two more Titans that had entered the fray. You growled and took a step forward, but Jean’s arm shot out, stopping you. You shot him a look of impatience and anger, but he shook his head, his eyes never leaving his comrades.

The pair of you watched as the Titans played with their food. You wanted desperately to look away, but forced yourself to watch. This was a reminder of what you were fighting for. This is why you were joining the Scouting Legion, to take back Wall Maria, and go out beyond the Walls. You would carry on Eren’s mission, in his honor, and destroy every Titan you came across. If you had your way, no one would ever have to live in fear of the Titans ever again. Your fury, your rage, was so strong in that moment, you were convinced that you alone could take out every Titan in existence.

Next to you, Jean was shaking. You could practically feel the energy emanating from him. You could hear his breathing, fearful and shaky. You jumped when he shouted. “Now! While they’re distracted! Make a break for HQ!”

You and Marco caught up to Jean quickly, dashing across rooftops and shooting wires into walls. You were surprised to see that one side of HQ was relatively clear of Titan activity. “How are we getting in?!” you shrieked.

“Follow my lead!” Jean yelled back, tucking his head close to his chest and covering his face with his arms. He went through the window, feet-first. You followed in his path, making sure to hold your arms over your face to avoid any shards of glass.

  
Several other soldiers followed suit, landing none-so-gracefully on the hard floor. You all looked at each other in wonder. You had made it.


	12. The Only Way To Win

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon making it to headquarters, you come across the supply crew that abandoned their duty. You and Jean have to force yourselves to calm your rage, while Armin comes up with a plan to retake the building and refuel your gear.

You looked around at the people who made it. You acknowledged that the number was less than you started out with, and took a moment to grieve for your lost comrades. Jean was kneeling, looking distraught. You crawled over to him and put what you hoped was a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He looked shocked for a moment, but calmed when he saw the people that remained.

His gaze went to the desks lining the far wall. More specifically, he looked at the soldiers hiding underneath. Your eyes followed his, and you stared at them, wide-eyed. “Are you...You’re the supply group?” you asked in a raspy voice. They didn’t respond, only looked at you and Jean in a combination of fear and wonder.

Jean moved quicker than lightning. He grabbed one of the soldiers by the shirt, pulling him up. You knew what was coming, but couldn’t stumble to your feet fast enough. Jean reared back and punched him, knocking him to the ground. “Jean!” Marco yelled, pulling him back. You stood between Jean and the soldier, arms out.

“It’s their fault! They’re the reason so many people died!” Jean yelled, struggling against Marco’s strength.

A female soldier ran to the fallen man’s side. “Titans entered the depot! There was nothing we could do!”

You turned around, a fire blazing in your chest. “There were Titans everywhere! WE were out there fighting them! Are you a soldier or not? We were TRAINED for this! You left your comrades to die!” You suddenly understood Jean’s anger upon hearing the girl’s words. You understood fear - this day had proven that you had a healthy understanding of fear. At the same time, you had not abandoned your duty, you had not abandoned your comrades.

“It’s your job to deal with it!” Jean yelled, still struggling. You went over to him and pulled him out of Marco’s grasp, nodding at the taller man.

A loud sound came from outside the building. “Get down!” Reiner yelled. You looked over, hand still on Jean’s arm. Neither you nor Jean ducked in time, and the pair of you were blown off your feet and across the room by the impact of a Titan breaking the wall in with his face. You got up, staring fearfully at the Titan’s blank expression.

“There are too many people in here!” Jean hissed beside you.

Everyone was panicked. You heard people screaming to get further inside, screaming about Mikasa, screaming in general. You tugged at Jean’s sleeve, trying to get his attention, to follow the crowd inside HQ, but to no avail. He just stood, staring at the Titans looking inside, sweat falling from his forehead and eyes terrified.

You didn’t brace for the next impact.

A giant fist hit one of the Titans looking inside, and both of them disappeared from view. “What?!” Jean shouted. Another window broke, and in flew Mikasa, followed closely by Connie carrying Armin. “Mikasa! You’re alive!”

“Barely made it! I was running on fumes. Nice job, Armin, your strategy worked!” Connie clapped Armin on the back roughly, and the blonde boy winced. Connie stood, pointing at the abnormal Titan that was now in view. “Hey! That Titan’s an abnormal, it keeps attacking other Titans! On top of that, it doesn’t give a shit about us! We can use it to get out of here!”

“A Titan, saving us? Yeah right, only in our dreams!” Jean scoffed.

“It’s true. Whatever the reason, we have to keep that Titan fighting as long as possible. It can take out more than we can.” Mikasa reasoned calmly.

\-----

You followed Jean and some others, looking for weapons. Armin had come up with a plan, and you needed guns. You and Jean went into an office together, scrounging through desks and closets.

“Hey,” you called to him. He didn’t turn around, just continued to go through a closet. “You did good back there.” He scoffed. You walked over to him and forced him to turn to you. “I’m serious.” He continued to avoid your gaze. “Look at me, Jean.”

Your use of his first name surprised the both of you. He looked at you, his eyes gentle and sad. “Sorry. I just keep thinking of how many people died because of my command.”

“You got the rest of us through it. Everyone else froze. You saved my life when you kept me from going after them.” You swallowed the lump that had formed in your throat as you looked up at Jean. “You can be a good leader.”

You stared at him, and he stared right back. You seemed to need to blink more than usual, your eyelashes fluttering. You couldn’t read Jean’s expression, and were surprised when you realized that you desperately wanted to. You remembered your three years of training, of your competitions with Jean Kirstein. All the races, the sparring, competing to see who could slice down more Titan dummies. It all seemed so long ago, so far away. More than that, worse than that, was the realization that all of it seemed to stupid and pointless. What difference did it make what you felt about Jean, or what he felt about you? What meaning did all of the arguments and all of the angry words exchanged hold? What was the point of the competition, when the threat of the Titans still lingered?

Of the 200 or so cadets that graduated that morning, how many of them were still alive?

The shout of a fellow soldier broke you from your thoughts. “Hey! We found something!” You blushed as you broke away from Jean, and quickly walked away. Several large boxes were in the hallway, dusty and filled with guns. You picked one up, and followed everyone back to the rest of the survivors.

“They’re Military Police issue!” Jean called as you entered. Everyone grabbed a shotgun and clicked them together. “Will shotgun rounds work? What good are guns against Titans?” Jean asked, sitting across from Armin.

Armin went over the plan once again. Most soldiers would be lowered down on the lift, while the top ten would crawl into the rafters. Theoretically, the number of people in the lift would get the attention of the smaller Titans in the room. The group would wait until they were close, then fire, blinding them, while the elite squad jumped down and killed them. It was a good plan, but risky. There was little room for mistakes.

Armin fretted over his plan, and Marco reassured him, in his kind way. “No one else has come up with anything. We have to go for it. Time is running out!”

You nodded at Sasha, who was part of the rafter crew, and she nodded back, looking scared. You made your way into the lift, standing beside Marco, your gun held out in front of you. You looked over at the rafter crew - Mikasa, Sasha, Connie, Reiner, Annie, Bertolt, and Jean. You hoped that you would see them alive after this.

The lift lowered. Your heart was racing in your chest. If this failed, every single one of you would die. Mikasa’s words rang through your head. _“The only way to win, is to fight!”_ You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself.

“Their numbers haven’t increased. We can do this.” Marco said quietly next to you. You cocked your gun as the lift settled. The sound got the attention of one Titan close by, and it turned, looking at all of you. A soldier near you let out a panicked squeak. “Keep it together!” Marco called. “Wait for the signal!”

You could hear the ragged breathing of your comrades as the Titans inched ever closer. The one in front of you was almost touching your gun. Your hands shook. You didn’t dare get a finger close to the trigger yet, afraid that you would panic and shoot. Marco remained a calm presence beside you, and you tried to take inspiration from him. “Patience…” he murmured.

The ground shook at the footfall of the giants. Their eyes, so blank and expressionless, stared at the lift. You would all make such tasty treats for them. You closed your eyes - better to not see what would kill you. You had faith in your comrades. You trusted them. Sasha wouldn’t let you die. Jean had already saved your live once. Mikasa would fight until the bitter end.

“Fire!” Marco yelled. Your eyes shot open, and you hastily pulled the trigger, directly into the Titan’s eye. You pulled the trigger again and again, not caring that you had run out of rounds in the gun, only wanting to do something, anything, against this threat.

Five Titans fell to the ground. Sasha and Connie had missed.

“Sasha!” you shrieked, powerless. You saw Mikasa and Annie running as Sasha and Connie backed away. You could hear Sasha whimpering apologies to the Titan she had sliced. She dove, and you called her name again as the Titan reached for her. Mikasa darted in, just in time, and killed it.

“We did it! Get to work refueling your tanks!” Jean yelled from the ground.

Sounds of celebration echoed through the supply room. “We did it.” you whispered. Next to you, Marco took a deep breath, and then fell backwards. You and Armin caught him before he hit the ground.


	13. Truth of Humanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're sworn to keep what you saw of Eren a secret, but Jean knows that it won't stay a secret for long. Mikasa, Armin, and Eren are interrogated by Kitts Woerman, while you watch on, your anger threatening to overtake you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, enjoy this almost 2400 word chapter. I couldn't find a good breaking point, so you get a long one. I must admit, this bit is really, really fun to write. Drama! Tears! I love it.

You restocked your blades, and were filling your gas tank next to Sasha. She was shaking uncontrollably, and tears fell from her eyes. “I gave in to that Titan...I APOLOGIZED to it...How can I ever face any of you again?!” she cried suddenly. You jumped.

“It’s all right, Sasha! You were scared.” you tried to soothe her. Connie stormed up angrily.

“We’ll harass you plenty about it later, trust me! For now, get it together!” he yelled.

“Connie! Stop it!” You pushed him away angrily, putting a protective arm around your friend. “Listen, Sasha. We’ve all been through some shit today. No one blames you. We’re all just happy we pulled it off. Now finish refueling, make sure you have blades, and let’s get out of here to the Wall, okay?”

Sasha nodded, sniffling. You were terrified yourself, but you had to be strong. You had to keep it together, not only for Sasha’s sake, but for everyone’s. You may not have been the best soldier, but at least you hadn’t panicked. You took your strength from others - from Mikasa’s speech, from Eren’s death, Armin’s strategy, and Jean’s leadership. Something had changed within every one of you on this day. You wondered how many now regret joining the military at all. How many people wished they had been among the civilians, safely evacuated behind the Wall?

“All right, everyone! Let’s move out!” someone yelled, and everyone shouted back, running out of the building, flying towards the safety of the Wall. Armin stood still in front of you, and you stopped, along with Reiner, Annie, Bertolt, and Jean. Mikasa was on a rooftop, looking at something you couldn’t see. Armin went to her, and you followed.

You looked over and gasped. The abnormal Titan, the one that had saved you all, was being devoured by other Titans. Its feral cry filled the air, and you shivered at the sound. “It sounds silly, but I’d hoped that if we could discover the secrets of that Titan, it would get us out of this hopeless situation.” Mikasa mused.

“I agree.” Reiner’s voice came from behind you. “If it dies, we won’t learn anything. We should kill the Titans surrounding it, and try to save it.”

“Are you fucking crazy, Reiner?!” Jean shouted angrily. “We finally have a chance to get out of here, and you want to save a TITAN?”

“What if it could become an ally?” Annie asked him.

“Are you fucking crazy?!” Jean repeated, looking shocked. You were inclined to agree with him, but could see Annie’s point. A Titan-killing Titan who seemingly had no interest in humans was more powerful than any weapon humanity possessed. Before you could process your thoughts, you saw a Titan approaching, and reached for a blade.

“It’s the abnormal that killed Thomas!” Armin exclaimed. You clenched your teeth and moved to kill it. Before you could jump from the roof, the Titan-killer roared. You covered your ears and stared at it. It ran for the abnormal, shrieking. Even though the Titan-killer had no arms left, it used its teeth to grab the abnormal by its weak spot, and tossed it away like a dog, forcing another Titan to crash into a building, crushing it. You and your comrades stared in absolute shock as the Titan-killer fell to the ground, seemingly defeated.

“Holy shit,” Jean muttered. “Save it, my ass.” He began to walk away, but stopped when he saw that no one followed. “What the hell are you all waiting for? Let’s go!”

You noticed that a hole had opened in the back of the Titan’s neck - right at a Titan’s weak spot. Squinting through the steam, you saw a figure inside. INSIDE the Titan. It looked human. You could see brown hair, and a green shirt. Your heart raced. The person pulled away from the tendons and muscle of the Titan body, and you gasped in shock. _But...Armin said that his whole squad died...He said that Eren was eaten…_

You glanced over at Mikasa. Her eyes were wide in recognition and shock. She gasped, and leapt from the roof. She ran to the Titan, leaping up and grabbing Eren just as he slumped over. Armin followed closely behind her. Mikasa pressed an ear to Eren’s chest, and suddenly you heard her sobbing. Mikasa Ackerman, the strongest and most stoic of all the 104th, was wailing, tears pouring from her eyes, holding Eren close and refusing to let go.

“Eren…” you murmured quietly. Jean looked absolutely shocked, while you couldn’t read the expressions on Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie’s faces. “It was Eren...But how?”

“You mean...All of this,” Jean gestured towards the steaming carcasses of Titans. “All of this was Eren’s doing?”

Mikasa’s wailing stopped, and she picked Eren up and went to the roof of HQ. Everyone followed her. She still refused to let go of him, while Armin knelt beside her and took Eren’s hand, his eyes filling with tears.

“What the hell is this? Eren’s a Titan?” Jean asked, knowing he wouldn’t receive an answer.

“We have to get him to safety. We have to get behind Wall Rose.” you reasoned. “Mikasa! Armin! Can you carry him?”

They nodded, and the eight of you made your way to where Commander Woerman would be stationed, walking across the top of the Wall slowly. Jean was positively fuming. You wanted to talk to him about what happened, but feared his reaction. Annie, Reiner, and Bertolt were all as stoic as they usually were, exchanging meaningful glances and not saying a word.

You all got onto the lift, assisting Mikasa and Armin with Eren’s unconscious form. Jean wouldn’t touch him, or even look at him. When you landed, Mikasa informed the commander of what had happened. Woerman quickly dismissed everyone except for Eren, Armin, and Mikasa. You reached out and pressed a hand against Eren’s back, terrified for him. What had he been through? You didn’t ever get the impression that he knew he could transform into a Titan. If he knew, why would he bother joining the military? Why wouldn’t he just venture out on his own, killing every Titan he came across, just like he had always said he’d do?

You were reluctant to leave them. The commander made everyone swear to secrecy, and you all saluted and gave your word. You went to the other military survivors, and the five of you sat at a secluded table, dark looks in your eyes. Wordlessly, you picked up two canteens of water and handed one to Jean. He took it silently, but just stared at it.

“Does that mean that everyone who’s not here is…” Krista didn’t finish her sentence, her voice trembling.

“Even Mikasa?” Ymir asked.

“No, I thought Mikasa arrived later with Jean and the others.” Connie replied, looking over at you.

_Please don’t ask, please don’t ask…_

“Hey, Jean! Where are Mikasa and the others?” Ymir called. You were grateful that you were spared the question, but looked at Jean nervously.

He glared at Ymir, taking a long drink from the canteen. “We were ordered to maintain secrecy. I can’t tell you.”

“Ordered to secrecy? What the hell does that mean?” Connie asked, confused.

“Let it go, Connie.” you warned.

“Not that it will be a secret for long. I’m sure everyone will know soon enough...Assuming humanity is still around.” Jean replied. You looked at him, frustrated. This was not the time for his particular brand of pessimism and sarcasm. “What?” he asked, looking at you. “It’s true. Do you really think this is going to stay a secret?”

“That doesn’t matter, Kirstein.” you shot back. He shrugged, continuing to drink. “He could still be an ally. Just because he’s a...He is what he is, doesn’t change WHO he is. If anything, this could help.” you whispered, leaning closer to him to avoid letting anyone else hear. “You know his determination. I don’t think the fact that he’s a...Well, you know, is going to change that.”

“Sounds like he has an admirer.” Jean snorted, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. “Look, if you want to get all buddy-buddy with him, that’s your deal. I’m not necessarily going to trust him.”

You reeled back, hurt by his return to form. Hadn’t you shared a moment with him, back at headquarters, a real moment laced with real emotion and camaraderie? The two of you, together, had helped lead your fellow graduates to a small victory against the Titans. Had that meant nothing?

You heard a commotion to your left. Looking over, you saw Marco holding another soldier back, while Sasha grabbed her stomach, clenched over. You ran over to her. “Sasha! What’s wrong?”

“I don’t...I don’t know why I did this! Why did I join the military? What’s the point?” she moaned. You grabbed her and held her close to you, stroking her hair in an effort to calm her.

_**CRASH!** _

A flash of lightning and a loud cracking sound came from behind Wall Rose. “Cannon fire!” someone shouted.

“But it’s behind the Wall! Does that mean there are Titans?!” a panicked voice replied.

You ran to the group sworn to secrecy. “Looks like you might have gotten your wish, Kirstein. You know what that cannon fire means.” you said to him angrily.

“I...That’s not what I wanted!” Jean replied, his voice rising in anger. You all stared into the sky above the Wall. Titan steam was floating in the air. Reiner took off running, Annie and Bertolt close behind. “Hey! Where are you going?” Jean shouted at them. You began to run. “Not you, too! Damn it!”

You heard Jean following you as you went to investigate. Standing on the Wall, you all saw a half-formed Titan. It was nothing but some muscle and bone, a huge skull towering over the smoke. “What the hell…?” Reiner asked.

“Is that...Eren again?” you wondered aloud. “But it’s only half a Titan…”

As the smoke cleared, you heard the soldiers all shouting in fear and confusion. Commander Woerman yelled for everyone to be silent. Even from here, you could see the look of fear on his face, hear the terrified shaking of his voice. Suddenly, Armin darted out from the cloud of steam, completely unarmed.

“Eren is not the enemy of humankind! He’s willing to tell you everything he’s learned!” Armin shouted.

“I won’t let you beg for your lives! He’s shown us what he is! He’s a monster who needs to be put down!” Woerman responded, his voice loud, but scared.

It was only then that you noticed that all the Garrison soldiers had their weapons pointed at Armin. You grabbed Jean’s sleeve, scared that you would fall down if Woerman gave the order to kill an unarmed soldier. Jean looked at you in surprise, but didn’t push you away.

“It doesn’t matter! Everyone saw him! The other Titans regarded him as an enemy, just as they do with us! They saw Eren fighting them! They saw the Titans trying to kill him! That should be all the proof you need!” Armin yelled, stronger than you had ever heard him.

You could feel Jean relaxing. Finally, this was a small shred of evidence in Eren’s favor. Armin brought up the absolute best point he could have. _The enemy of our enemy is our friend._

Woerman shouted in protest. He yelled that Eren was a spy, infiltrating humanity to obtain information for the Titans. His frightened voice echoed off the walls, and the Garrison soldiers all aimed their weapons directly at your comrades. “No!” you shouted, angry at the unreasonable fear. _They don’t understand! They’re too afraid to think for themselves! They saw something new, something strange, and it scared them so much they won’t see reason_

You began to arm yourself. You didn’t know what you would do. There was no way you could take on that many soldiers, there was no way you could save your friends, but you had to do something. Right when you clicked a blade onto your holder, Jean grabbed you by the shoulders and whirled you around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Are you going to take them all on?! Don’t be an idiot!” he yelled, inches from your face.

You clenched your teeth, staring up at him. “I can’t just do nothing! They’re scared! They won’t see reason! I’m not going to let Eren, Armin, and Mikasa die at the hands of humanity!”

You tried to pull away, turning around, but Jean grabbed you from behind, just as Marco had done at headquarters when Jean’s rage overtook him. You struggled against him, but he was too strong for you. “Let Armin handle it! He’s smart, he can do this!” At this, you relaxed a bit. Armin was, by far, the best strategist you had ever encountered. He could think on the spot. He would get them out.

Jean let you go, and you put your blades away. Just then, Armin gave the strongest salute you had ever seen. “I am a soldier who pledged his life for humanity! If I die while fulfilling that pledge, I can’t ask for anything more! By combining Eren’s Titan ability with what military force we have, we may be able to retake Trost! In the name of humankind, with what little time I have left to live, I will advocate his strategic value!” Armin yelled. You could see that he was shaking like a leaf, but there was a strength and power in his voice.

Commander Woerman closed his eyes. He began to raise an arm, ready to give the order to shoot. Jean put his hands on your shoulders, gently holding you back. He was right to do so, although you were reluctant to admit it. If Woerman gave the order, you knew that you would absolutely lose any semblance of control. You didn’t join the military to kill people. You joined to help humanity, and Eren’s ability had the potential to do just that.

Suddenly, a voice rang out. “Stop.”

It was General Pixis, the leader of the Garrison Regiment. He gave off an aura of calm, and you could see the effect on the soldiers. They lowered their weapons, and you could breathe again.


	14. The Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Pixis comes up with a plan to retake Trost District. It's risky, but you've faced risk in this battle. You find yourself angry at your fellow soldiers for their lack of bravery, but Pixis changes all that with just a few words. Once the plan is engaged, Marco pushes you towards a realization about Jean Kirstein.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapters are probably going to be coming fast for a little while - I wouldn't be surprised if I post up to chapter seventeen or eighteen today. I got impatient, and went ahead and wrote some chapters when I was stuck writing the training arc. The next chapter (as in chapter fifteen) will be one of those, and I'm really quite fond of it.

All soldiers were ordered to gather at Wall Rose to await further instruction. You stood between Jean and Bertolt. Bertolt was as calm and quiet as usual, while you could almost see the gears turning in Jean’s head. Your mind was racing, too. Had Armin come up with a plan? Would a general even listen to the strategy of a mere cadet? What had happened to Eren? General Pixis was known for being a bit unorthodox, but to have a human that should shift into Titan form was more than unorthodox, it was completely unheard of. You didn’t even know if Eren had control of himself in his Titan form. Maybe he was acting much like you had done, purely out of rage. The only difference was that Jean could stop you. No one could stop a fifteen meter Titan that held all of humanity’s rage within him.

Daz continued to panic. Marco was with him again, thankfully. Marco had a presence about him, something soothing in that calm face. You couldn’t hear the words exchanged, but you could see Daz and a Garrison soldier both pulling blades before Marco grabbed Daz away.

“Tch. This is an absolute shitstorm.” Jean muttered. “If General Pixis doesn’t show up soon, we’ll have full blown mutiny on our hands.” You looked at him in wide-eyed fear. “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on causing a scene. I have to be able to keep you in check.” he smirked.

You scoffed at him, but found yourself smiling. Just as Marco had calmed Daz, Jean was calming you in his own way. He was strong enough to hold you back, and smart enough to reason with you. This was why you and Marco had both told him he could be a good leader. He had a way of assessing a situation, and taking the proper course of action. He had given it away a bit with you back in headquarters, when he confessed to his guilt at the lives lost under his sudden command. You wanted to be able to say the right thing, to reassure him, but how could you? You hadn’t even apologized for your behavior during training, and you knew damn well he wouldn’t be the first to say he was sorry. What were you to him, other than a soldier that he needed to keep in line?

Two girls in front of you fretted. They wanted to choose how they would die. In other words, they wanted to abandon their post, and run away. “You would rather die comfortably, than die in an attempt to save humanity? You’re disgusting.” you snarled at them.

“I don’t care what you think! I don’t want to die!” one of the girls sobbed.

“No one wants to die, you idiot! You think being a soldier means you’re a suicidal maniac intent on an early death? Being a soldier means you stand tall, you fight until the very end!” you yelled.

Jean moved to grab you, rolling his eyes at your fiery temper, but a Garrison soldier hissed at the girls to cause a scene. “A lot of the people in the Garrison are fed up! If you cause a scene, maybe we can get away from here!”

“And where exactly will you go?” Jean asked calmly, his eyes narrow.

“To see my daughter, of course! My last moments should be with her!”

“ATTENTION!”

The roar that came from General Pixis’s mouth caused everyone to stop in their tracks. Everyone that was panicking suddenly stood still, staring up at the Wall where the General stood.

“I will now explain the plan to retake Trost District!”

You exchanged a glance with Jean. “Armin. He must have given Pixis an idea.” you murmured.

“Our objective is to seal the hole in the gate!” Whispers came from everyone around you, wondering how it was possible to seal such a large hole. “As for how that is going to be done, let me introduce to you Eren Jaeger!”

“Eren!” you shouted, thankful that he was okay. Meanwhile, the other graduates looked shocked and confused. You heard Connie asking how he was alive, while Marco stared up at him in shock.

Pixis explained that Eren was the successful product of government experimentation to create a human Titan. He was able to fabricate a Titan body and control it. Eren would shift into Titan form, and carry a large boulder to the gate, and plug the hole. Meanwhile, some skilled soldiers would be sent out to kill Titans heading towards Eren, while a larger group stayed at the Wall to lure them in, and destroy them with cannonfire.

In your eyes, it was a good plan. There were flaws in it, of course, but it was similar to Armin’s plan to retake headquarters - use some people as armed bait, and take advantage of the stupidity of the Titans. Jean had used a similar tactic earlier as well, using the deaths of your comrades as a distraction. It occurred to you then, that Jean Kirstein was smarter than you had ever given him credit for.

The soldiers around you were panicking. Many of them had turned and were walking away. The more dedicated Garrison soldiers were threatening them with execution, but the frightened people didn’t care. The two girls in front of you walked away, and you snarled again, angry at their cowardice. You weren’t stupid - you were afraid, too, but you would not abandon humanity in their greatest time of need. This had the potential to be the first major victory against the Titans. You realized then that Armin had delivered a small victory of his own in retaking headquarters. Most had written it off as a lost cause, but with Armin’s strategy and the leadership of people like Jean, Marco, and Mikasa, a bunch of cadets had taken a strategic point back. That thought reassured you. This was just a larger version of that.

“On my authority, anyone who wishes to leave will be pardoned!” Pixis yelled. Woerman, who was ready to kill any traitors, stared up in shock. “If you have given in to the fear of the Titans, you can never face a Titan again! Those who have seen the horrors of today can leave! As well as those who are willing to let their families and loved ones to live that horror themselves...Leave now!”

You smiled. Right there, with those few sentences, General Pixis had assured that every person would stay. Certainly every soldier still standing had seen terrible things, but you were all trained for this. To leave your families and friends to go through what humanity had at the fall of Wall Maria, to have them live through the threat of Titans inching ever closer and taking more human territory, would be despicable. Just as you expected, everyone turned back around. Some looked defeated, but no one wanted to let others live through what you had all lived though.

General Pixis continued on. He admitted that Operation Reclaim Wall Maria, from four years ago, was the government’s way of culling the population. Everyone had suspected that, but to hear it from a government official was different. You were angry, of course - twenty percent of humanity was lost in that operation. “I am guilty! So is all of humankind! If humanity is wiped out, it won’t be the Titans that did it. It will be because we annihilated each other! I ask you to die here! Die in an attempt to defeat what has so often defeated us!”

\-----

You were assigned to a squad with Connie, Marco, and Jean. Part of your job was to serve as bait, to draw Titans close to the Wall. You watched as the now-familiar flash of lightning signaled Eren’s transformation. “Yes! He did it!” you whooped joyfully, leaping childishly into the air.

“This will be over before we know it!” Connie grabbed your hands and you twirled in a circle, hope dancing in your hearts. Marco looked on, an affectionate look on his face, while Jean looked contemplative.

“It isn’t over yet.” He looked towards the dissipating Titan steam. “He’d better be able to do it.”

“Oh, come on, Kirstein, don’t be such a downer!” You punched his shoulder and he winced. “It’ll happen!”

“Cadets! There’s been a change of plan! Titans are still entering the gate, you have to lure them to the Wall!”

“Sir!” You saluted, and ran to continue the operation. You were paired with Marco and a Garrison soldier. Your orders were to run through the streets, luring Titans. You were to avoid engaging them if at all possible, and use evasive maneuvers to get them to the large group of Titans gathering at the Wall.

“You ready?” Marco asked you in a whisper. You didn’t respond. “Don’t worry about him. He’ll be all right, he’s smart.”

“What...Who are you talking about?” you asked, looking up at Marco’s freckled face.

He gave you a knowing smile. “Jean. He’s with Annie and Connie. He’ll be okay.”

“Of course he will!” you shot back angrily. “No one else is gonna die today!”

Marco laughed. “You sound like him.”

“Squad Bott! Move out!”

The three of you began to run. There were two Titans nearby, and you yelled to get their attention. “Hey! Pea-brain! Over here!” you shouted, waving your blades in the air threateningly. The Titans turned slowly, their vacant expressions focusing on you and your squad. “Let’s go!”

You turned tail and ran, occasionally looking behind you to make sure they were still following. “Split up! Take the left one!” Marco yelled. You nodded, and shot a wire into the Titan’s eye. It roared in anger, and followed you down a street to your left. You jumped over bodies and debris, wishing you had time to mourn for them. _There’s time for that later. Right now, I have to help bring humanity’s victory!_


	15. Find Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've fulfilled your duty in luring Titans to the Wall, and you go back to find your friends. You see Jean Kirstein running through the streets, not taking to the air, and when he's threatened by Titans, something stirs within you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yessssss, I wrote this chapter FOREVER ago, and it's one of my favorite things (although there are a few recent chapters that I'm pretty proud of, too). Fun story: I only wrote this because I was listening to some music on shuffle, and a mashup came on - "(Find Myself) A Heap of Love" (you can find it at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub8727Ye3Sk ). I was listening to it, since it's one of my favorite mashups, and this scene just played in my head like a movie. I immediately wrote it, while listening to the song on repeat. I recommend listening to it while you read!
> 
> Also, I'm aware that the end of the chapter isn't what actually happened in the anime. In the show, Jean and the others go to help protect Eren from the Titans as he goes towards the gate. I'll freely admit that when I wrote this, I hadn't re-watched the episode or re-read the manga, so...That doesn't happen. Oops.

You landed next to Connie and Annie on a rooftop, looking around for the rest of your squad. “Where the hell is everyone?” you screeched. Marco landed beside you and put a reassuring hand on your shoulder.

Connie and Annie were staring down at the ground. “What are you guys looking at?” Marco asked them, following their gaze.

“Why isn’t he using his gear? Don’t tell me it’s not working!” Connie shouted. “Jean! Get out of there!”

You looked down to see Jean running, clearly out of breath. He darted into a building, peering out of the window. “We have to get him out of there!” Marco shouted, raising his blades. He was about to pull the triggers when you pulled him back.

“Stop it, Marco! Wait.” You could see through the window. Jean was looking intently at something. Looking over, you noticed a dead soldier underneath a rock - but they still had their gear on. “He’s going to make a break for it. Get that soldier’s gear.” You took a quick survey of your surroundings. “We’ve got a five meter bearing down. There are two more over there, probably between seven and ten meters. We don’t have a lot of time.”

The five meter Titan passed right by Jean’s hiding place, and you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. “Run, Kirstein.” you whispered to yourself. He darted out of the house, and ran for the fallen soldier. He fell to his knees, trying to set the 3DMG loose.

“Why isn’t he going faster?!” Connie screeched. “He can’t get the gear!”

It was then that you noticed that the five meter Titan had turned back around, and was bearing down quickly on Jean. You growled, and prepared to leap, but Marco jumped first. The Titan tried to swat at him, but Marco was too fast. He shouted at it, taunting it. Once he had the Titan’s attention, he began to weave between buildings, creating a chase.

“We got another!” Connie shouted down to Jean. “Get out of there! Hurry up!” A seven meter Titan came stomping into the street. “Shit!” Connie fumbled with his gear momentarily. The Titan’s shadow covered Jean, and it began to kneel.

You had seen your fair share of terrible things in the past hours. You watched your fellow graduates die. You saw what happened when humanity got scared of what they didn’t understand. But when the image of Jean Kirstein being torn apart by a Titan flashed before your eyes, something snapped within you. You could see it so clearly, his terrified face as his bones were broken, his blood pouring from his shattered body. Your heart felt like it would break.

“No!” You let out a scream that hurt your throat, adrenaline coursing through your veins, your eyes blazing with fury. You and Connie jumped off at the same time. He practically bounced off the Titan’s head, while you shrieked like a wild animal, spinning in the air and slicing two long, deep gashes in the Titan’s neck. You fell with it, leaping off just before its head hit the ground. You landed in front of Jean’s shocked face. “Come on, Jean! Get the gear and let’s go!”

“Why...?” Jean asked, eyes wide.

“We weren’t trained to leave a comrade to fight on their own.” you replied simply. You knelt beside him and hurried to loosen the soldier’s gear. “Pull!” you shouted, fully aware of another Titan’s shadow behind you. You stood, holding your blades out and narrowing your eyes at the Titan. “Bring it, then!” You heard Jean grunt as he finally pulled the gear away. “Jean! Go!”

As you bent your knees, preparing to jump, you saw Annie taking out the Titan, a frighteningly calm look on her face. You froze as it fell forwards. A warm hand grabbed your arm, pulling you out of your daze. You were jerked back, just in time. The impact of the Titan hitting the ground made your knees buckle, and you fell backwards. Strong arms caught you, and you tilted your head up to see Jean. He pushed you back to your feet. “We’re not going to die today!”

You nodded, and the pair of you took off, carried away by your wires. When you heard Jean swear behind you, you quickly retracted and turned in mid-air. “Goddammit!” he yelled, slamming his hands to the ground and pushing himself up. You landed beside him again. “Get out of here, already! It’s dangerous!”

You didn’t say anything, but grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. You dragged him behind you as you ran, allowing him to adjust his gear. You only took to the air after he did. “Get to the Wall!” you heard him shout over the sounds of cannonfire and Titans stomping. You and Jean sailed through the air together, rushing to the relative safety of the Wall. Connie and Sasha were there, tears streaming down Sasha’s face. Tears pooled in Connie’s eyes, but he refused to blink them away as he tried to calm Sasha.

You rushed to her, wrapping her in a hug. “I didn’t even know if you were alive! Why’d you have to go and be the hero?!” Sasha sobbed into your shoulder.

“I’m not a hero, Sasha. Calm down.” You held her close as you turned your face to Connie. “What’s happening? Did Eren make it?”

Connie shook his head. “I don’t know. Last we saw...Last we saw it was red smoke. They ran into trouble.”

You felt your heart sink. You knew this was an all-or-nothing mission, but you had so much faith in Eren to pull it off. You never considered the “nothing” possibility. You pulled away from Sasha, whose tears had subsided a bit, and walked to the edge of the wall. You couldn’t see what was happening, but the sky was filled with smoke and dust. The sun was beginning to set, and the effect of the light was both breathtaking and terrifying. The entire city looked like it was on fire. You could feel a tear fall down your cheek, and that just opened the floodgates. You silently cried, looking over Trost district. You thought of your classmates that would never get to choose a military branch. You thought of the soldiers lost, fighting off an impossible foe. You thought of civilians (oh God, wasn’t Jean from Trost? What about his family?), hoping that the evacuation was a success.

You felt Jean’s presence before you saw him step up beside you. “He’s still got time. He could still do it.” you said quietly. “He has to. He’s Eren Jaeger, for fuck’s sake.”

Jean stood still and silent. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. Your heart raced, and you prayed that you would see a plume of gold smoke rising from the gate. Each second felt like an eternity. You hated how powerless you felt. You had joined the military to make a difference, but here you were, waiting.

“I can’t just stand here!” you shouted, turning away and beginning to pace. A hand grabbed yours, and you looked down to see Jean’s fingers entwining with yours. You looked up at him, stunned into silence and stillness.

“Look,” Jean breathed. You looked to where he was pointing, and saw a tower of gold smoke. Sasha and Connie jumped up and down, cheering and hugging one another. Everyone began to breathe again, turning to each other, shaking hands and hugging.

For you, everything seemed to be in slow motion. You felt your shoulders slump, weighted down by the emotional and physical exhaustion of the day. You looked up at Jean, his eyes wide with fear and concern. “He did it,” you whispered. “We won.”

Your eyes fluttered shut, and you fell into the unsuspecting arms of Jean Kirstein.


	16. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the Battle of Trost, you find a few of your friends after you awake in the hospital. You wonder about Eren's fate, about how many of your classmates remain, and most importantly, how to even speak to Jean Kirstein.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one, to balance out the long chapters. =P Just a little more interaction between Reader and Sasha, Connie, and Jean. Mostly internal monologues, because let's face it, AoT has TONS of internal monologues.

You awoke in medical care. There were several beds in the room, and wounded soldiers and civilians alike surrounded you. Doctors and nurses were working overtime, the exhaustion showing in the dark circles under their eyes. You stood and dressed in the outfit left for you, a simple brown skirt and a white shirt. Your military uniform, bloodstained and dirty, sat on a table. After pulling on your boots, you tossed the uniform in a bag and left the hospital.

 _Where is everyone? How long has it been?_ Judging by the soft light outside, you figured it was early morning. You went to the military mess hall, hoping to find Sasha grabbing an early breakfast.

When you entered the building, you saw shell-shocked soldiers staring blankly at the plates in front of them. The sound of your boots clacking against the stone floor seemed impossibly loud. Just as you’d hoped, you spotted Sasha sitting alone, nibbling on some bread. “Sasha,” you greeted her quietly. She leapt up and hugged you tightly. “I’m okay. I think it was just exhaustion.” You were embarrassed - you were supposed to be a strong soldier, and yet you had fainted once the immediate danger had passed and the adrenaline stopped flowing.

“I was so scared! Jean had to force me to leave the hospital and get some rest.” She settled back in, handing you a piece of bread. “It was so crowded. They kicked out everyone that didn’t need medical attention.”

“Jean…” you murmured. You vaguely remembered him catching you when you fainted.

“Yeah, he carried you to the hospital. He wouldn’t leave until you got in a room and had a doctor look at you.” Sasha laughed a little. “Kind of surprised me, considering how often you tried to kill each other in training.”

“Yeah,” you responded quietly, tearing off the tiniest piece of bread. Your stomach felt uneasy. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Everyone is kind of scattered right now. It’s all really confusing, some people were ordered to keep slaying the Titans, some are helping to man the cannons. I know Connie made it out okay, he’s been helping at the hospital with me. I don’t know what Jean is doing, but he’s all right too.”

“What about Eren? What’s going to happen to him?” Fear crept up in your throat. Certainly, it had been Eren helping to deliver the victory, but given the uncertainty of his unique situation, you knew that the Military Police would have something to say about it.

Sasha shook her head sadly. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him, Armin, or Mikasa since yesterday. I heard a rumor that they’re inside Wall Sina awaiting trial.”

“Trial?!” you screeched. Several people around you jumped, and you lowered your voice apologetically. “A trial? What’s his crime? He didn’t do anything wrong!”

“You’d know more than I do. You saw him shift, didn’t you? You, Jean, Reiner, Bert, and Annie...That’s what you were sworn to secrecy to, right?” You nodded. “Is he dangerous?”

You paused to think. Eren had been terrifying on his rampage while retaking headquarters. The only thing that kept you from being too afraid was that it was clear he had no interest in fighting humans. He had slain so many Titans, was so animalistic. Then, he had changed again, but different that time, in protecting himself and his friends from the cannons the Garrison had shot at them. “I don’t know. He’s still Eren, I know that much. I’m not afraid of him. We’re a lot alike in some ways. Jean’s certainly called us both suicidal maniacs enough times.” you let out a small laugh. “I don’t think he’s dangerous.”

Connie approached you then, Jean at his side. “You’re out of the hospital already? Did they check you for everything? How’s your head? Do you have a headache? A fever?” Connie fretted over you, pressing a hand to your forehead in concern.

“God, let the girl breathe, Springer.” Jean pulled Connie away. “Just because you’ve been helping in the hospital doesn’t make you a doctor.” He turned to you. “Are you all right?”

You nodded, blushing. “I’m okay. Thanks.” You tried to put everything behind that one word. You tried to express your gratitude to him, unable to speak seriously or freely, given that your own feelings were in such a state of flux. You wanted to thank him for leading you all to headquarters, for pulling you back so many times when your temper had flared, for taking you to the hospital. You wanted to thank him for becoming your safety net. How could you say all of that in one word?


	17. Remember Me As A Time of Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cleanup of Trost District has begun. You're worn and weary, mourning for all the dead. You find Jean, and he's discovered something that he doesn't want you to have to see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First order of business - yes, I know Marco was torn in half. I didn't write it that way, just imagine that everything but his face was torn in half or something. 
> 
> Secondly, this is another I was inspired to write by music. This time it's "Remember Me As a Time of Day" by Explosions in the Sky (found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkclIDu9K5c). Recommended listening!!

The rancid stench of death filled the air in Trost. It had been a full two days since Eren had sealed the hole in the wall. You had barely slept - the cannons were firing all day and night. Even if they had stopped at night, Sasha’s crying kept you up. You would gently shake her awake from her nightmares, and hold her as she cried. She would have let you cry on her shoulder as well, but you were so numb. You worried for your comrades, for the people you had trained with for three years. You worried for Eren, who you hadn’t seen since his Titan form had saved humanity. Your friends’ faces flashed through your mind - Connie, Mikasa, Armin, Marco, and Jean.

Jean.

No one was more surprised than you when you had let out that animalistic scream, flying past Connie to slice down the Titan that was bearing down on Jean. You remembered the look in his eyes when you landed next to him, quoting his own words. There was a gentleness there, and the slightest hint of a real smile. You and he were both surprised when you ran back for him, grabbing his hand and pulling him up, allowing the pair of you to fly away, up to the Wall, to the safety and suspense of waiting to see that beautiful gold smoke floating in the air.

The last thing you remembered of Jean was the look of concern and fear on his face when you collapsed into him.

You tied the cloth around your face, at the nurse’s orders. The cleanup of Trost had begun. You dreaded every moment. You were terrified of seeing a friend, their body limp and cold, torn apart, faces frozen in an unheard scream. You pulled the gloves on your hands, shaking. You didn’t want to face the consequences of battle. You knew it was a reality, of course, but while you were fighting to survive, your instincts kicked in. You ran purely on adrenaline. Now, your exhausted body could only face the truth.

Sasha had dark circles under her eyes. You helped her tie the cloth under her ponytail, brushing a strand of hair from her forehead. “Hey. You going to be okay?” you asked her gently. Her wide, tired eyes stared back at you as she nodded slowly. “Find me if you need me, okay?”

You walked over to the section you had been assigned, trying to take as long as possible. Blood still stained the walls, and you tried to forget that every one of those represented a person, someone who had died for the sake of humanity. You passed Annie, who stared blankly at the ground, repeating “I’m sorry...I’m sorry…” You saw Reiner put a hand on her shoulder and say something to her, quietly. She nodded, but didn’t move.

“Jean!” you exclaimed, seeing him speaking to a nurse. She walked away, writing something on her clipboard. “Jean!”

He turned towards you, eyes widening. He shook his head. “No. Leave.”

You were stunned at how cold his voice was. It wasn’t until two days before that he had spoken to you in any sort of kindness, but he had never sounded this hollow. “Jean? What...What is it?”

He adjusted his position, standing right in front of you. “I’m serious. You should go.” His eyes flickered to the side, towards the wall. Your gaze followed his, and you saw a body covered with a sheet. “No. Don’t look.”

“Jean, who...Who is that?” You felt the panic rising in your throat. “Who is it, Jean? WHO IS IT?” You practically screamed in his face, desperate for an answer. He didn’t respond. You pushed him aside, too quickly for him to react, and dashed to the wall.

You felt Jean’s hand on your shoulder, trying to pull you away, but you pushed yourself forward. You didn’t know if you wanted to pull that cloth away. You were terrified. Jean tried to pull you back again, but you took a step forward, stumbling a bit on the bunched up cloth beneath your feet.

The cloth fell down, just the tiniest bit. Enough for you to see a head full of black hair, parted straight down the middle, and brown eyes. Brown eyes that you had always seen sparkling, full of life, and energy, and kindness. Now, they were cold and empty.

Suddenly, every emotion that you had been repressing, all the numbness that you felt, all shattered into a million pieces inside you. You let out a pathetic moan, falling to your knees and staring at the body of Marco Bott. The more you looked into his dead eyes, the more your heart sank. Your moans turned into wails, the sound echoing off the stone walls, tears streaming down your face like a waterfall. “No! Marco!” you cried, shouting his name into the sky, as though your desperate pleas could bring him back. “Marco…”

You hung your head, unable to look at him any longer. You heard the rustling of cloth as Jean covered his best friend’s body. Your shoulders shook with sobs. Hands grasped your upper arms firmly, and you looked up at Jean. His eyes reflected the same pain you were in, but his jaw was set and determined.

You threw your arms around him, burying your face in his chest. He tensed in surprise and shock, but slowly, you felt him put his arms around you, hands resting on your back. You gripped him tightly, holding on to the one thing that you knew was real in that moment. You felt him shaking, felt the warm wetness on your shoulder as he cried for his friend.

The pair of you quietly cried yourselves out, holding each other, not noticing anything around you. You were the one to pull away first, resting your hands on Jean’s shoulders. He wouldn’t look at you. Gently, you put one finger under his chin and pushed his head up to look you in the eyes. You were shocked to see how broken he looked. His eyes were red and puffy from tears, and there was a desperation there you never wanted to see again.

“Jean. We have to take his body.” He shook his head, looking terrified. “We have to. We can’t leave him here. We can’t let someone else take him. He died alone, but we can be here for him now.”

A fire lit in Jean’s eyes as he nodded. He stood up, extending a hand to you. You let him pull you up, your body too weak to stand on your own. You strode to Marco, pulling the sheet down to see his face one last time. There was a lock of hair out of place on his forehead, and you brushed it back, reminded of your interaction with Sasha. Had that only been an hour ago? It felt like a lifetime. “Goodbye, Marco.” You stroked his freckled cheek before fully wrapping him in the cloth.

  
“Come with me. Please. I can’t do this by myself.” Jean’s voice cracked with emotion. You nodded, grasping his hand between yours before he knelt to pick up his friend. Jean carried Marco on his back, and as you walked to the funeral pyre, you never took your hand off of Jean’s arm.


	18. The Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the bodies to burn. You attend the funeral with your comrades, and try to support Jean in the best way you can as you hide the hurt in your own heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More music recommendations? Don't mind if I do! This one is "The Funeral" from the Firefly soundtrack (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onrNRlqD5UU). Obvious, I suppose, but it's such a beautiful and melancholy piece. I would recommend music for previous chapters, too, but to be honest I was mostly just listening to a lot of Chopin and Liszt, because I'm a nerd that way.

The warmth of the fire disgusted you. The smell of burning bodies hovered sickeningly in the air, the ashes of the dead flying around you. Krista was crying, while Ymir looked on, no emotion in her eyes. Sasha was shivering as Connie tried his best to comfort her. Annie, Bertolt, and Reiner kept their distance, staring impassively into the flames. You looked around for anyone else - where were Eren, Armin, and Mikasa? - and saw no one. You were being forced to face this alone. Sasha had barely spoken at all since finding out about Marco, not even to you. She clutched onto you and sobbed when she saw Jean carrying his body, and you suspected that she couldn’t look at you without thinking of it.

Tears welled up in your eyes as you wrapped your arms around yourself, cold despite the blaze in front of you. You yelped when someone lightly touched your arm. “Sorry…” you murmured to Jean. “I’m a little jumpy, I guess.”

Jean said nothing, but you could feel him shaking when he took your hand. You were surprised at the soft affection, at the warmth of his hand. You found yourself wanting to wrap your arms around him and cry again. You resisted the urge, and instead grasped his hand tightly, hoping that whatever strength you had left would somehow flow into him. He didn’t look at you or speak to you. He only stared into the flames.

You squeezed his hand tightly, trying to reassure him. He had been there for you during the cleanup of Trost, and you would be there for him now. When had this happened? When did Jean Kirstein, of all people, become a person you wanted to protect and give strength to? You knew that it was likely that this would be the last time you’d see him. The official graduation had obviously been delayed, and the next night you would be swearing an oath to the Scouting Legion, while Jean would head for the Interior. This would be your last chance to apologize and to thank him for everything he had done.

“Jean,” you called his name quietly. He looked down at you. “Can...Can we talk?” He didn’t say anything, but continued to look at you with his sad amber eyes. “Listen...I’m no good at this, but I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. It all seems so stupid now, all of our competitions and fighting. You saved my life more than once. You kept me going, made me a better soldier. So...Thank you.” you finished lamely.

He remained silent. He moved his eyes from you to the ground. Kneeling, he picked up some shards of bone that had been flung from the fire. He grasped them tightly in his palm, shaking. You put a hand on his shoulder, again trying to will your remaining strength to him. You felt his shoulders shaking with silent sobs. Tears welled up in your eyes. You had all lost so much. You didn’t even know how many of the 104th had survived. You didn’t know Eren’s fate. Now, more than ever, you were determined to be the best humanity had to offer. Your sadness had morphed into an unstoppable fire, a rage that couldn’t be quelled. You would go beyond the Walls, reclaiming lost territory, killing every Titan until Marco was avenged.

Sweet, kind Marco. His death had shattered you more than any other. You remembered his words when you departed on your mission, his implication that there was more between you and Jean than even you were aware of. He had always been so observant. If only he were still here, you knew that he could explain everything to you. You could have gone to him without fear of judgement, told him every thought and feeling in your heart, and he would have enveloped you in his strong arms and given you the best advice. The loss of Marco was a loss for all of humanity.

Jean stood suddenly, bones still wrapped in his fist. “Hey, guys?” he asked the others. “Have you decided what branch you’re going to join?” They all remained silent as a feeling of dread overwhelmed you. “I’ve decided. I’m...I’m going to join the Survey Corps!” he half exclaimed, half cried. He began to shake, tears threatening to fall from his eyes, and you rushed to his side. You put an arm around his waist, supporting his weight as his body swayed. You could feel Sasha’s eyes on you, but your focus was on Jean, and him alone.

“Jean…” you murmured comfortingly in his ear. “Jean, it’s okay. I’m here.”

You didn’t know if it was the right thing to say. Your feelings were still so confused and distraught from the battle. All you knew was that seeing Jean so powerless hurt you, almost as much as seeing the bodies of your comrades burn.

You only let him go when Connie pulled him from your side.


	19. The Brave Recruits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a gear inspection upon the slaying of two captive Titans, the recruits listen to a speech given by Commander Erwin Smith, leader of the Survey Corps. It's far from motivational, but you're surprised at the results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another 2000 word doozy! More Jean/Reader action to come, no worries. =P

The graduation ceremony had been delayed once again. Two of the Titans that had been captured during the cleanup of Trost had been slain. They had been research subjects for Hanji Zoe, a scientist and squad leader in the Survey Corps. It had been determined that they were killed by someone who had knowledge of 3DMG, and as such, every single soldier was ordered to submit to questioning and inspection. On the one hand, you were furious - they were Titans, and therefore deserved to be killed. On the other hand, you had discussed the matter with Armin. Armin had always been a brainy sort, and could see much further than you could. He reasoned that humanity didn’t have much knowledge of the Titans, and any knowledge would help in defeating them, possibly saving lives in the process. He certainly understood why someone would kill them, but maintained that in doing so, it didn’t help humanity - quite the opposite.

You stood at a table, your gear in front of you. You could hear Armin speaking quietly with Connie and Annie. Jean maintained his silence. Over the past days, he had been quieter than you had ever seen him. His cockiness had disappeared, replaced by a quiet, fierce anger and determination. You wondered if he had been serious about joining the Survey Corps. True, he was braver than he even gave himself credit for, but you had never known him to throw his life away. You didn’t intend on dying when you joined the Scouts, but you knew it was a likely possibility.

You answered the questions given to you - the last time you readjusted your gear was right after the battle, you had been assigned to Wall duty, and you were with Sasha the previous night, sleeping in your room. You tried not to be offended by the officer’s accusatory tone. It seemed your reputation preceded you - it was known that you wanted to join the Scouts to kill Titans, and that gave the impression that you would slay any Titan you came across. You shot back with the reasoning that Armin had given you, about science and research, and not wanting to lose even more lives. The officer seemed pleased with your response, and moved on to Jean.

You could both see and hear the frustration in Jean’s voice as he answered the questions. He seemed impatient. You wondered if he would lose his nerve, if he would take his well-earned place in the Military Police. He had been so upset when he exclaimed that he would join the Survey Corps. You clearly remembered the weight of his body pressed against yours, using all your strength to hold him up and keep him from falling under the pressure of his decision. You wondered if he cried that night, and felt a pang in your chest thinking about his pain. Your hands clenched into fists at your side. You wouldn’t try to talk him out of his decision - that wasn’t your place. You wanted to tell him that he was brave and strong, despite the weakness he may have shown. You wanted to let him know that even if he did end up joining the Military Police, that didn’t make him weak, or less of a soldier. He would be safe with Sasha and Connie. You would be alone, but that didn’t matter, as long as the people you cared about were okay.

\-----

As the sun set, the cadets of the 104th gathered in the courtyard. You sat against a wall, accompanied by Connie, Sasha, Armin, and Annie. All of you were silent, presumably considering your options. Even you had the option of the Military Police now, since Marco had died. You now ranked tenth, and could accompany your friends in the Interior. The rage-fueled fire in your heart would never allow that, though. You had made your decision years ago, before you had even joined the military. There was no way you would be the one to back down.

“This is a fucking nightmare.” Connie moaned, crouching.

“It always is.” Annie replied quietly in a monotone voice. You looked over at her. She was as emotionless as always, her ice blue eyes void of expression.

“Jean!” Armin called. Your head shot up, and you lowered your eyes quickly, embarrassed at your excited reaction. “Are you serious about joining the Survey Corps?”

“Yeah,” Jean replied firmly. Your heart sank a bit, but you couldn’t help feeling a little pleased. At least you would have one friend remaining - if you could call Jean a friend. What were you? Friends? Comrades? Your feelings had changed so much in the past days, from a bitter hatred to grudging respect, and now...Why did you feel butterflies when he had looked at you with concern the morning after the battle? Why did you feel so determined to protect him, to give him your strength, to support him when he needed it?

“Why did you change your mind? Aren’t you scared?” Sasha asked, as if reading your mind.

“Huh?” Jean cocked his head in confusion. “Of course I’m scared! No one WANTS to join the Survey Corps.” He smirked in your direction. “Unless you’re crazy like her.” His voice wasn’t cruel, but actually seemed laced with affection.

“What? Then...Why are you?” Connie’s voice was full of confusion.

“I’m not joining because I’m NOT afraid of Titans, or of dying. I’m not going to say that talented people should join the Scouts, either. I’m not a suicidal maniac like some people.” His eyes rested on you momentarily.

“Eren...He’s probably already been a Scout for a few days, huh?” Connie mused. You had heard that Eren was given to the Survey Corps on a trial basis. Captain Levi had apparently beat the shit out of him in the courtroom, in an effort to prove that he could keep Eren under control. You smirked a little at the thought of tiny Captain Levi, “Humanity’s Strongest”, beating up a chained Eren - although he could probably rip him to shreds even in his Titan form.

Someone called for all cadets to fall in and face the stage, to listen to the speech of Commander Erwin Smith. “No one convinced me to risk my own life. This is a decision I have to make on my own.” Jean walked away and took his place in front of the stage. You exchanged a glance with Sasha and followed.

“I am Commander Erwin Smith, leader of the Survey Corps.” Commander Smith was a tall, imposing man. His blonde hair was impeccable, and he stood with pride. “Today, you have to decide on a corps to join. I am here to invite you to join the Scouting Legion. In this latest battle, you have faced Titans and tested the limits of your own abilities. However, we have made progress towards victory, mostly in thanks to Eren Jaeger. His effort proves that he is on our side.”

A wave of relief washed over you. You had been terrified for Eren after retaking Trost. The Military Police were an unforgiving lot, and the ones who worshipped the Walls had a lot of clout in the government. Armin hadn’t talked much about the trial, but had reassured you that Eren was okay, and you’d see him once you joined the Survey Corps. From what Commander Smith was saying, it sounded as though they were just as devoted to him as Mikasa was.

“Located in the basement of Eren’s home in Shiganshina, we believe there lies a secret to the Titans, one that even Eren Jaeger is unaware of. If we can reach that basement, we may gain a clue to break free from fear of the Titans!”

Whispers made their way through the crowd. “Are we really that close?” you asked to no one in particular. “Could it really be...Could I…” You murmured to yourself. Could you be a part of this? Could you help humanity become free once again? Had there been any doubt in your heart about joining the Survey Corps, it would have dissipated then. That was always your dream, to go beyond the Walls, to help humanity live outside of their self-imposed cage.

“In order to reach the basement, we must retake Wall Maria! Unfortunately, we cannot use the gate in Trost any longer. We will depart from Karanes District, to the east. This means that the supply route we have spent four years creating is now useless to us. In those four years, sixty percent of the soldiers in the Survey Corps died. This is a ridiculously large number of casualties. The recruits that join us today will accompany us on a mission outside the walls in one month.” Commander Erwin paused for a moment, closing his eyes in memory of his lost soldiers. “More than thirty percent of you will perish on this mission. In four years, the majority of you will be dead. However, those that survive will become some of the best humanity has.”

You inhaled sharply. You knew the risks, but to hear them right from the Commander’s mouth shocked you. You took a look around. Sasha and Connie both looked horrified. You would have to make sure to say a proper goodbye to them before they left for the Interior. Jean, however, masked his fear. He stood tall and proud, shoulders back, clutching his fists behind his back. Despite the look of determination on his face, you noticed that his hands were shaking. Had you not been standing at attention, you would rush over, take his hands into yours, and cry. You would possibly even beg for him to join the Military Police. You hadn’t forgotten the mental image of him being ripped apart by a Titan. It haunted you in your dreams - him, Sasha, Connie, Armin. Any, or all of them, could perish in a moment, leaving you behind.

It never occurred to you what they would feel if you died in their stead.

“You now know what you are up against. Those of you who are willing to put your lives on the line, remain here. Ask yourselves if you are willing to give your life, your heart, to humankind!” Commander Erwin shouted. He took a deep breath. “That is all. Those of you who wish to join another regiment are dismissed.”

After a moment, cadets began to leave. You honestly couldn’t blame them. Commander Erwin’s speech had been at Mikasa levels of motivational. He painted a grim picture. It was almost as though he didn’t want people to join, like he didn’t want to lose more soldiers, despite knowing that it was the right thing to do. You saw Mikasa and Armin up front, looking mildly angry. You were surprised to see Reiner and Bertolt staying, while Annie walked away. Krista was crying, with Ymir next to her. Jean looked conflicted, but remained, his hands shaking and teeth clenched.

Worse than all of that, was when you looked towards Sasha and Connie. Their feet were planted firmly to the ground, and while Sasha had tears pouring down her face, it was clear they had no intention of leaving. You cursed under your breath, wishing you could run to them, shake them, tell them to not give up their chance. It was bad enough that so many of your classmates remained, but Sasha? She was practically your sister. You loved her so much, and to see her throw away a chance at a comfortable life killed you inside. You knew, though, that she would never listen to you. Once she set her mind, it was done.

“You that remain. If someone ordered you to die, would you do it?” Commander Erwin asked the twenty or so recruits that remained.

“We don’t want to die!”

Commander Erwin gave a small smile. “I see. I like the looks on your faces. Effective immediately, I welcome you to the Survey Corps! This is a true salute! Give your hearts!”

Everyone saluted firmly, the sound of fists hitting chests resounding throughout the courtyard. “Sir!”

“You have all done well to face your fears. You all, every one of you, have my respect.”


	20. Sister of Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're furious with both Sasha and Connie for abandoning their shot at the Military Police. What would you do without your best friend? Sasha has always been a constant by your side, bringing the light to your darkness. She'll continue to do so to the very end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awkward humor alert! Seriously this shit is so fucking dark, I had to make SOMETHING funny. Next chapter (which will be uploaded like right after I upload this one) is ALL Jean/Reader, so have fun with that.

“Sasha! SASHA!” you yelled at her. Finally, she turned, and you stormed over to her. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” you demanded, grabbing her arm with an iron grip. Connie tried to pull you away, but you pushed him aside. “Why? Why did you join? You joined the military to be part of the Military Police! You know, living safe inside the Interior?”

“Hey! Leave her alone!” Connie shouted, pulling you away with a strength that seemed impossible. “She’s upset enough!”

“Shut up, Springer! This is between me and her!” Your heart fell at the devastated look on Sasha’s face. “Oh, god, Sasha, I’m so sorry.” You ran to her and she flinched, breaking your heart as you hugged her close to you. “I’m so sorry, I was just so angry, I don’t...I don’t want to lose you!”

Suddenly tears sprang to your eyes, and you and Sasha were both sobbing, holding on to one another, trying to comfort each other through your own devastation. Connie stepped beside you, putting one hand on your shoulder, and the other on Sasha’s. You let go of Sasha and enveloped Connie in a hug. “Hey! What?!” he shouted in surprise, but calmed after a moment and hugged you back. “When did you get all emotional?”

You smiled weakly as you punched his arm affectionately. “When my friends decided to join the Survey Corps.” Your voice cracked with emotion. “Still, though...I kind of wish you hadn’t. Thirty percent…”

“It’s a little late to back out now. We’re officially Scouts.” Sasha sniffled as Connie handed her a handkerchief. She wiped her eyes. “I...I didn’t want to leave you alone.”

You reeled in shock. “Sasha...I never wanted you to join the Survey Corps. I wanted you to live.”

“What, so you could go die saving humanity?!” she shouted, angrier than you had ever seen her. She had always been the cheerful one between the two of you, balancing out your cynicism. You remembered as children, playing in Dauper village after the fall of Wall Maria, you knew instantly that the “operation” to retake Wall Maria was simply a way of culling the population. Sasha refused to believe it, remaining optimistic about regaining the lost territory. It had only been after her father tentatively changed the traditional ways of the village that Sasha had decided to join the military. She wanted to help, in any way she could. In a way, then, it shouldn’t have surprised you that she joined the Scouts. Commander Erwin had given her a ray of hope in his mission to take back Wall Maria.

Sasha’s angry voice pulled you from your thoughts. “You could have joined the Military Police, too! After...After Marco, you were in the top ten!” Her voice stumbled over Marco’s name. She hadn’t uttered it since his death. “But no, you had to go and join the Survey Corps! I really thought you would change your mind after Trost, but you didn’t! Do you have any idea how scared I was? How scared I still am? You’re talking about losing me, but what about me losing you?”

That thought had never once come to your mind. You were so wrapped up in your ideal to save humanity from the rule of the Titans, that you never once gave any shred of thought to leaving your friends behind. You thought that if you died, it would be in glorious battle, that your death would mean something great. It occurred to you then that it would mean something, but not what you once thought. It would mean Sasha, crying herself to sleep every night at the loss of her best friend. Connie, trying to comfort her but unable to overcome her grief. Eren mourning the loss of a kindred spirit, wondering how that fire in your heart could be put out.

It would be Jean, numb and desperate. You remembered the look in his eyes when you had found Marco’s body. You had been determined then to never see that sad look of desperation in his eyes ever again. You never thought that it was possible that you would be the cause.

“I’m sorry,” you said quietly. “I never...I never thought about it that way. I was so focused on joining the Survey Corps, I never once thought about leaving you behind.”

The three of you stood silently in the courtyard, the other recruits long gone. A quiet rain began to fall. “We should go inside and get some rest. We leave tomorrow for the Survey Corps.” Connie put one arm around Sasha and began to lead her inside. You followed closely behind. Connie walked the pair of you to your room, and you gave them some privacy, knowing that Sasha would want to have a moment with him.

What had you done? Was it your fault that your friends joined the Scouts with you? Did your raging fire grab them like moths to a flame? You thought you had made it perfectly clear, just as Jean had, that this was a decision you could only make for yourself. You hadn’t wanted anyone to follow you. You weren’t a leader, not like Jean. You didn’t want anyone to die for you or your own beliefs.

Sasha entered the room then, and sat next to you on your bed. “I didn’t join because of you,” she offered, like she could read your mind. “I joined because I knew I could help. I wanted to help.”

“Just...Do me a favor and try not to die, okay, Sash?” You ruffled her hair affectionately as you used her childhood nickname. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

“Probably with Jean.” she smirked. She always had been good at bringing humor to a situation.

You tossed a pillow into her face. “Shut up!” You blushed furiously.

“Admit it, you want to have little horsefaced babies with him.” she teased. You buried your face into your pillow, embarrassed beyond belief. “Just tell him, already. I mean, you like him, right?”

“I don’t know!” you whined. “I mean, with everything that happened...The military isn’t exactly a good place for a relationship, you know?”

“No, I don’t. I think it’s the perfect place, actually.” Sasha sounded matter-of-fact. “As long as you’re not stupid about it. Acknowledge the danger, but just because you’ve decided to try to save humanity doesn’t mean you can’t love someone.”

You stared at her, wide-eyed. “When did you get so wise?”

You noticed then that Sasha looked older. Of course. Carrying the weight of everything that had happened made all of you a little older, a little more mature. You weren’t a bunch of kids anymore. You weren’t even recruits anymore. You were Scouts, destined for a short life. Why not live every moment to its fullest?

“Just tell him before it’s too late.”


	21. Ghosts That We Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rain keeps falling, and you finally get a chance to talk with Jean about joining the Survey Corps. He admits more than you ever expected, and finally, you get a chance to have a real conversation with Jean Kirstein.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god the ending of this is so fucking cheesy and I love it. Anyone who's wanted more Jean/Reader gets everything they wanted in this chapter.
> 
> There's a part in this chapter that was inspired by a scene from "The Walking Dead" (season four), between Beth and Daryl. Spoiler alert for the video, obviously, but here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AENwV9sxx-8 : from 3:15 onwards.
> 
> Music recommendation: "Ghosts That We Knew" by Mumford and Sons (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6-EUSvJchI)

The rain continued to fall, flooding the streets and washing away the blood of your comrades. Sasha let out the occasional whimper of fear in her sleep. You knew what she was dreaming about. You had the same nightmares. You watched your friends die, consumed by Titans. You knew that wasn’t going to be just a memory. A startling number of your friends had ended up joining the Survey Corps alongside you. Sasha was one of them. Connie Springer. Armin Arlert. Of course, Mikasa Ackerman - as though she would ever leave Eren’s side.

The one that surprised you was Jean Kirstein. He was well within his right to join the Military Police, placing sixth. With Marco’s death, you had edged into the top ten yourself, but you had always been determined to join the Survey Corps. Jean had never had that intent. He wouldn’t speak to you after the ceremony, instead heading directly to his room (which probably felt so empty now without Marco beside him).

You couldn’t sleep. You wandered through the building with a blanket wrapped around you, stepping as lightly as you could to not disturb the fitful slumber of your friends. You occasionally heard someone crying behind their door. The battle had taken its toll on everyone. You heard a door open, and the sound of the rain floating inside. Turning, you saw the tall frame of a man go outside - a man with copper blond hair.

You darted to follow him, looking frantically from left to right when you reached the courtyard. He turned a corner, and you followed. He sat on the wet ground, knees to his chest. “Jean.” you said quietly, trying not to startle him.

“What are you doing out here? You’ll get sick.” he replied mechanically.

“So will you.” You sat gingerly next to him, unwrapping your blanket. “Here. We can share.” When he didn’t respond, you reached around him and wrapped half the blanket around his shoulders. It was only a few days ago that you realized you even cared about Jean and his well-being. Sasha had given you a sad, knowing smile when she saw you gripping his hand tightly at the funeral.

“Why did you still join the Survey Corps?” Jean demanded suddenly, sounding almost angry.

“You know why. That was always what I joined the military for. Why did you?”

Jean ignored your question. “You’ll die! You heard what Commander Smith said. Thirty percent! That doesn’t put the odds in your favor!” He was practically shouting at you now, and stood up suddenly. “You’ll end up like Marco!”

Fire blazed in your chest as you leapt to your feet. “What about you, Jean? You could be part of that thirty percent, too! You could die on an expedition, all alone, like Marco! No one will know exactly what happened to you, just like Marco! You should have just joined the Military Police like you wanted! At least you’d be safe behind Wall Sina!”

“What good is it being safe when my friends are dying?!” Jean cried. He turned away from your shocked face. “How many people died? How many people died because of my decisions?”

Before you realized what you were doing, you launched yourself at Jean. You pressed your forehead against his back, arms wrapping around his waist. “Stop it. Please, Jean.” He gave a halfhearted shake, his hands moving to yours that rest on his stomach. “Do you have any idea how many people survived because of you? Marco saw it in you from the beginning. You’re a good leader, Jean.  You are.” Your voice was practically a whisper, and you hoped that he could hear you.

“I couldn’t save them all.” Jean murmured. “I used them. I used their deaths as a tactical advantage. Maybe...Maybe I could’ve done something. Maybe I could’ve saved them.” You tightened your grasp when you heard his breath catch in his throat. You felt warm tears, such a contrast to the cold rain, fall on your hands. “What did it get me? I’m still here. Most of them are gone. Marco...He was my best friend, and he’s gone. How can I go to the Military Police after that?” Tears were freely running down your face, your shoulders quivering. Jean continued his speech. “And now I’m going to the Survey Corps, and odds are I’ll have to see it all over again. I’ll have to watch my friends get killed. I’ll...I’ll have to watch you get killed.” He said the last few words in the quietest whisper.

“Let’s get one thing straight, Kirstein. I don’t plan on going anywhere.” You tried to put on a brave voice, tried to bring some light to the situation, but you could hear how small and shaky your voice was. How far had you come from the first time you talked to Jean Kirstein? He wasn’t the smug jerk whose collar you grabbed, and you weren’t the girl with something to prove. Things had changed. Maybe this was the path the pair of you had been hurtling towards this whole time. It seemed so impossible, so unreal, that the man you were clinging to in the rain was the cocky jerk from three years ago.

He abruptly pulled away from you, turning and grasping your shoulders. His eyes gazed intently into yours. “How do you do that? How are you the one giving me hope right now?” he asked, seemingly to himself. “How are you so strong?”

“I’m not.” You shook your head, your wet hair sticking to your forehead. “Not for myself. You saw me when we found...When we saw Marco. I can barely hold it together right now.” You let out a soft, sad laugh. “You know Marco wouldn’t want this, right? Marco would want you to join the Military Police, live a nice, long, comfortable life.”

Jean shook his head, water droplets falling from his hair. “I can’t do that. I’m sorry, Marco,” he said to the sky, “I have to do what I think is right. I’m probably making the dumbest decision of my life.”

There it was. Finally, that smirk returned to his face. You never thought you’d be so relieved to see him look so smug again. You felt your shoulders fall, and a grin spread wide across your face. Once again, it was like your body had a mind of its own as you leapt forward and threw your arms around his neck, laughter bubbling up inside of you.

“What are you laughing about, crazy girl?” Jean murmured, his breath warm on your neck, his hands resting on your hips. You pulled back to look at him, and he immediately pressed his forehead to yours. “Promise me something.”

“What?” Your voice was low, heart racing at the sudden intimacy that Jean had initiated.

“Promise me you won’t get yourself killed.”

“Please, Jean. I fully intend on sticking around to annoy you some more.” you replied, cursing yourself for not replying more seriously. “Make me the same promise?” you asked, after a long pause.

“Tch,” Jean scoffed. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll cut down every Titan that crosses our path.”

You didn’t know how much time passed. You just stood, with your arms around Jean’s neck, your forehead pressed to his, alternating between keeping your eyes shut and staring into his. The rain continued to pour, but you barely took notice of it. You knew you’d regret not getting any sleep come morning, and you were fully aware that you would probably catch cold from the rain, but you were just so comfortable, felt so safe with Jean holding you close, with a scent that was uniquely his surrounding you.

Jean pulled away suddenly, leaving you confused with your arms at your sides. He took your face in his hands, and it suddenly seemed like there was an army of butterflies in your stomach. Your eyes locked on his, and when his lips touched yours, you were surprised to find that your heart didn’t jump directly to your throat. Your hands went to his chest, resting lightly over his racing heart. He jerked backwards as if he’d been shocked.

“I’m...Uh, I mean...Sorry.” He crossed his arms across his chest, avoiding your gaze.

“Shut up, Kirstein.” You grabbed his collar, just like you had the first day you met, and pulled him to you, pressing your lips against his desperately. He sighed contentedly between your kisses, weaving your hair through one hand. When you finally parted, he extended a hand to you, and you crossed the courtyard hand-in-hand.

You couldn’t help but notice that the rain had stopped.

 


	22. Make You Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasha knows you too well for you to be able to hide what happened with Jean. She encourages you, as she so often does, but when you try to talk to Jean about it, he clams up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just Jean bein' cute. He's an honest guy, after all, he's just sort of...fumbly.
> 
> Final Fantasy Type-0 HD is out tonight, so updates may be a little less frequent for a few days while I devour it. The advantage to writing this to go alongside the anime/manga, though, is that I will rarely get writer's block as far as plot goes. The only thing I have to be creative with is what happens between Reader and everyone else. And I have ideas, oh, do I have ideas.

Sasha shook you awake the next morning. “Mmf...Oh, morning, Sash.” you grinned brightly as you sat up. “What time is it?”

“Time for you to explain to me why you came stumbling in here in the middle of the night, humming. I woke up when I heard the door. Where the hell were you? And when did you become a morning person?”

You realized that you slept for those few precious hours nightmare-free. You were still in your clothes from the night before, and tried to be subtle about sniffing your sleeve - it still smelled a bit like Jean. You tried to hide your smile, but Sasha noticed. She grabbed your sleeve and sniffed it. “Oi! Sasha, what the hell are you doing?”

“That’s not a girly smell...OH MY GOD.” A look of realization dawned on her face. “You...Did you...Jean…?” You couldn’t hide the redness that appeared on your cheeks. “YOU DID! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” She was practically dancing.

“Calm down, girl, it was nothing! Shut up, before someone HEARS you!” you hissed.

“So tell me everything! Was it awesome? Does he look good naked?” she wiggled her eyebrows at you, and your blush deepened as you threw a pillow at her. “Okay, okay, I’m assuming things didn’t go THAT far.”

You got out of bed and began to dress. “Honestly, Sasha, it was just...I don’t know, it was real.” You replied simply, pulling on your uniform. “We just talked. And he kissed me.”

Sasha squealed with excitement. “So what now? Are you guys together?”

You paused as you tightened your harnesses. You honestly didn’t know. It had been so heat of the moment, so sudden, and you hadn’t discussed what was going on. “I don’t know. Don’t tell anyone, Sasha, please! Let me figure things out first.”

\-----

After breakfast, you and Sasha hurriedly packed your meager belongings in preparation for the journey to the Survey Corps. A strange sort of excitement filled your chest. Finally, after three years of training and the most hellish battle you could imagine, you had made it. You and Sasha grinned at each other as you threw your packs into a wagon, mounting your horses alongside. The journey to the new Survey Corps headquarters would take several hours, and you checked to make sure you had your canteen strapped to you. You cursed when you realized it wasn’t there, and made to get off your horse to find one.

“Here,” Jean’s voice came from behind you. You turned, and he handed you a canteen. “I knew you’d forget something.” he teased.

“Oh, shut it, Kirstein,” you replied, laughing. You noticed Sasha conspicuously edging away from you, giving you an encouraging smile. “So, uh...About last night…”

A look of horror appeared on Jean’s face. Your heart sank. You knew it. You knew it was a mistake. The pair of you had just been overwhelmed with emotions from the battle, the funeral, the graduation, and it had come pouring out in an inappropriate way. You had been right all along - the military was no place for a relationship, and it seemed clear to you that Jean had come to the same realization.

“Never mind.” you snapped, urging your mare forwards. Hot tears prickled in your eyes. You were certainly still confused, and had been confused even the night before, when you were kissing Jean. You had come to care for him more than you expected to, and you knew he cared about you, too, but it wasn’t meant to manifest romantically. You put all your energy into riding, and found yourself near the front of the convoy.

You kept to yourself until it was time to break for lunch. Sasha began to make her way to you, but stopped when she saw the cold look in your eyes. She glared at Jean, and nearly stomped over to him until you gave her a small shake of your head. She contented herself with glaring at him from a distance, chomping angrily at her sandwich.

The grass rustled behind you. “Can we talk?”

“Got nothing to say to you, Kirstein.” you growled.

“It’s not what you think, all right?” He sat down next to you, and grabbed your arm when you moved to get up. “Would you just fucking listen to me, please?”

You turned to face him, eyes narrowed. “You have two minutes.”

Jean sighed. “I promise, it’s not what you think. I’m a piece of shit, all right? I kissed you, and I didn’t really think about what that meant.”

“Fucking obviously.” you snarled.

“Just let me talk, fuck.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t think about what it meant, because it just seemed like the right thing to do. You were right, all of our stupid competitions were meaningless. It’s clear that you’re a capable soldier, you didn’t need to compete with me to prove that. You’re fucking incredible, all right? I realized that at Trost. You kept saying how I saved your life, but you never once mentioned that you saved mine, too. I would have been dead back there if it wasn’t for you. I don’t even know why you saved me.”

_Because I care about you. I might even love you._

The thoughts came to your head suddenly, like a brick falling from the sky. Did you love him? Were you in love with this horse-faced idiot?

“But listen. It meant something, okay? It meant a hell of a lot. I...I really do care about you. It sounds cheesy as fuck when I say it like that.” Jean chuckled, and your heart melted. “I guess it would probably be stupid to get involved when we’re in the Survey Corps, of all places, but...I don’t really care. If anything, it’s even more of a reason. Every moment to its fullest and all, right?”

You leaned over to him and kissed him, just a gentle peck on the lips. He looked surprised, but pleased nonetheless. He wrapped his arms around you in a hug, just as Sasha cheered. You rolled your eyes. “She may or may not have figured it out this morning, when I was grinning from ear to ear.”

“Aww, I’m not sure I’ve ever made someone actually happy before! That’s cute.” Jean teased, poking your nose.

“If Kirstein is done making doe eyes at his lady friend, let’s head out!”


	23. Wings of Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You arrive at the Survey Corps headquarters, and are reunited with Eren. Jean has a few questions for him, and while you may not approve of his method, you appreciate his bravery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm wanting to write some cute, fun chapters before the 57th Expedition, because I'm certainly not looking forward to THAT particular brand of death and destruction. I'm thinking some "Cleaning with Levi", "Science with Hanji", maybe some "Horseback Training with Ness".

You finally arrived at the castle as the sun fell beyond the horizon. The orange glow on the stone walls made the place look eerie and unreal. You dismounted, handing the reins to a member of the Survey Corps who promised to watch over the mare you had become quite attached to. You knew she wouldn’t be the horse you’d take on expeditions. She would return to the training grounds, ready for another young cadet to help along their way. As most everyone walked away, you patted her nose, and she nickered into your hand. You wanted to hug her, but settled for a pat on her neck instead.

Jean patiently waited for you, a soft expression on his face as he watched your goodbye. “You really liked her, huh?” he asked as the pair of you followed your classmates.

“She reminded me of my mare back home,” you replied sadly. “She almost makes me wish I hadn’t joined the military at all.”

You walked in silence along the path leading to the castle. Jean took your hand, not in a firm grip as every time before, but softly, his fingers entwining gently with yours in the most comforting touch you had felt since that night in the rain. “Eren!” you heard Mikasa shout.

Jean’s eyes narrowed. You had a feeling that he still didn’t completely trust Eren. He had avoided any conversation about him, or any discussion of his status as a Titan shifter. He let go of your hand as you approached the group.

“So...Does that mean that Jean, Annie, and Marco were the only ones to go to the Military Police?” Eren was asking. You could see everyone shifting uncomfortably, and Sasha’s eyes welled up with tears.

“Marco’s dead.” Jean informed him in a flat voice.

“What? You’re joking, right? Marco’s not dead.” Eren actually let out a small chuckle. The horror in his eyes gave him away, though. You took a step towards Eren, afraid that he might fall over in shock, but a glare from Mikasa kept you away. Instead, you looked down at the ground, trying to repress the images of Marco’s broken body that threatened to overwhelm you.

“Not everyone can die a heroic death. He died alone. No one knows how he died. No one noticed.” Jean’s voice was emotionless. Your comrades looked as though they were trying not to cry. Connie blinked repeatedly, while a lone tear fell down Sasha’s cheek. Armin was looking at the ground, but Mikasa’s eyes never left Eren.

“Marco...He’s…” Eren’s voice cracked when he said Marco’s name.

“Hey, recruits! Your uniforms are here!” Squad Leader Ness called to the group, standing next to a large pile of green cloaks. Everyone but Eren walked over, forming a line. When Ness handed you your cloak, you ran your fingers over the Wings of Freedom embroidered on the back. This was it. It was truly official now. You had gone through hell to earn these wings, and you would wear them with pride. You would wear them for your squadmates, for Commander Erwin, for your family, for all of humanity behind the Walls. You would wear them for Marco.

Your heart raced as you delicately unfolded the thick fabric, slinging it over your shoulders. All of the new recruits stood in a line, cloaks flapping in the breeze. You felt eyes on you, and you turned to see Eren, watching all of you, the people he had trained with and protected at Trost. He had a faraway look in his eyes, and in that instant you knew he was thinking the same thoughts you were. You would wear these wings for Eren, too, for your comrade-in-arms, the man who had fought so desperately to save everything at Trost.

\-----

You and your fellow recruits managed to get a moment alone in the stables before dinner. You had just informed Eren that all of you would be going on the 57th Expedition, set to depart in a month. Eren expressed disbelief. He said that he wasn’t even certain he would be ready for this expedition, and he had a week’s head start.

“Eren,” Jean cut in. “When you became a Titan, I heard you tried to kill Mikasa. Mind telling us what the hell that is all about?”

You sighed exasperatedly. Jean certainly wasn’t one to beat around the bush, but to be so straightforward with something so sensitive seemed a little much. “Jean, come on…” You tried to pull him away, but he stood firm.

“That’s not true!” Mikasa immediately responded. “He was trying to swat a fly, and-”

“I wasn’t asking you.” Jean interrupted her. Everyone gasped, even you. Despite the fact that you and Jean were...Well, whatever you were, you always had a feeling he was settling for you, and truly wanted Mikasa. “You know, that’s a pretty deep scar on your face. When did you get that, again?” he asked, knowing the answer. Mikasa quickly moved her hair to cover the scar under her eye, looking down in shame.

“Apparently it’s true. When I became a Titan, I tried to kill Mikasa.” Eren admitted quietly.

“Apparently? So you don’t remember? So what you’re telling us is that you didn’t know about your Titan powers, and on top of that, you don’t know how to control it?” Jean didn’t sound angry. You realized that he was just trying to get the facts. Jean didn’t have the gift of sugarcoating anything, he was a man who said what he was thinking, damn the consequences. You found yourself grateful for his audacity. You knew every other person was wondering the exact same things, but weren’t brave or stupid enough to ask. Jean was your kind of stupid, all right.

“Yeah. That’s right.” Eren looked upset with himself. While you were surprised to find that he admitted to having little control over his own ability, you weren’t upset with him for it. He didn’t even know he had the ability, how could he possibly have learned to control it?

“Don’t worry, Eren...I’m sure with practice you’ll figure it out.” You tried to soothe him, to no avail.

“Did you hear that, guys? So this is how things are. Our lives are in this guy’s hands. We’ll probably all end up like Marco, dead, and no one knowing why.” The sarcasm laced Jean’s voice, and you looked at him angrily. You shouted his name, and he looked chastised at the anger on your face. Surely he was remembering, just as you were, how you tried to stop his pessimism before the battle at Trost.

“Jean! What’s the point in putting Eren on the spot like that?” Mikasa found her voice.

Jean sighed. “Look, Mikasa...Not everyone is as blindly devoted to Eren as you are. We want to know what we’re giving our lives for.” He stood tall, and spoke calmly. “If we don’t know, we’ll hesitate when it matters most. We need something in return from Eren. I need to make sure he’s worth our lives.” He walked over to Eren in two steps, pushing his hands on Eren’s shoulders and speaking with a deadly voice right in his face. “Eren, that’s why...We’re counting on you. All of us.”

Eren gulped, but nodded, his eyes narrow with determination. Jean’s eyes fell to the ground, and his shoulders shook, overwhelmed with emotion. You and Mikasa both rushed over, and she took Eren’s hand as you pulled Jean away, wrapping your arms around him as he buried his face in your shoulder. He didn’t make a sound - he rarely did when he was emotional, you had noticed. You closed your eyes, inhaling his woodsy scent and rubbing soothing circles on his back. You heard footsteps leaving the stables, and when you opened your eyes, only you and Jean remained.

“Jean, come on. We’ve gotta go. I’m sure we’re getting room assignments or something. Plus...Dinner?” You tried to make him laugh. A small chuckle escaped his throat and he pulled away from you, leaving a dark spot on your shoulder from his tears.

“Sorry, I ruined your cloak. You just got those wings, too.” He tried to brush away the tears, but they had already sunken into the fabric.

“Why do you always say you’re not a leader?” you asked him. “Just there, you did what no one else was brave enough to do. You did what everyone needed. That’s what a leader does, Jean.”

Jean remained silent as you walked to the castle, his arm slung across your shoulders and your arm around his waist. You hoped that he would see it someday. He would be safer as a leader in the Survey Corps. Most of you would end up Titan fodder, but if he could climb the ranks and become a Squad Leader, barring any sort of catastrophe, he could live. You kept these thoughts to yourself, not wanting to pressure or embarrass him, but you were determined to make him see.


	24. We're the Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captain Levi wants the castle completely spotless. You're paired with Eren to clean an office, and you're grateful for the opportunity to speak with him about recent events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blehhhh this is hard to write. I wanted to write some "filler" chapters before the 57th Expedition, but that might not happen if they're all as hard to write as this one was. I did want to put some more interaction between Eren and the Reader, since I feel they're rather similar as far as determination and spirit. After all, they're the only two who wanted, from the beginning, to join the Survey Corps. I also liked the thought of Eren being the comforter for once, since he's usually the one BEING comforted.

“Recruits! Report to Captain Levi in the main hall!” You didn’t see which squad leader shouted the order after breakfast. Sasha stuffed her last piece of bread into her mouth as you walked away with her. Eren was on your other side, looking fearful.

“What’s wrong, Eren? Are you feeling okay?” you asked.

“It’s nothing. Just...Captain Levi. He asked me to clean one of the offices yesterday and if I didn’t do a good enough job, he’s going to tear me a new one.” His voice shook a little.

“Didn’t he already do that at the trial?” you teased, trying to make him smile. He just shook his head.

Entering the main hall, you saw the room full of buckets, mops, brooms, and rags. Someone was standing with their back to the door, a kerchief on his head, hands clasped behind his back. All of the new recruits lined up and stood at attention, awaiting orders. You wanted to laugh when the man turned around. Captain Levi was nothing like you expected. You had heard, of course, of “Humanity’s Strongest”, and expected a large, imposing man like Commander Erwin. Instead, he was short - really short. You guessed he was about Connie’s height, but somehow he was still incredibly intimidating. His narrow grey eyes surveyed all of you, and he seemed to dare anyone to laugh.

“Recruits. This place is absolutely filthy. In order to make it even somewhat habitable, we’re going to spend the first few days here cleaning it up. Consider it a way to ease in to your training with the Survey Corps. I expect nothing short of perfection. Grab your supplies and come see me for your assignments.” His voice was deep, but almost monotone.

You tied a kerchief over your hair, grabbing a broom and rag. Levi assigned you to clean an office with Eren. You were secretly a little grateful for it. Eren knew what Levi expected, so you could avoid getting yelled at too much. On top of that, you wanted a chance to speak with him. He still seemed upset about the conversation the night before. You felt for him - there was so much pressure on his shoulders, and he knew that if he couldn’t control his ability, everything could fall apart.

You cleaned in silence for a little while, occasionally sneezing from the dust knocked around by your broom. Eren focused on the smallest details - a thin layer of grime on the windowsill, the stains on the wooden desk. “Hey, Eren?” He stopped, looking at you curiously. “I’m sorry that this is happening to you.” You didn’t know what else to say.

“I am too.” he laughed bitterly, reminding you of Jean. “It’s clear that no one trusts me anymore. I can’t really blame them.” His voice was sad.

“I still trust you. I always did.” You gave him what you hoped was a reassuring smile. It seemed to work a little, as his expression brightened. “Even after...When Woerman was interrogating you...I almost lost it then, to be honest. I was going to take on all of those soldiers. If Jean hadn’t stopped me…”

“Kirstein, huh? You guys seem pretty close. You’ll have to let me in on your secret, I wouldn’t mind him laying off of me.” Eren joked, dunking a cloth into a bucket of water.

You blushed. “Oh! Um...Well.” Sure, you had told Sasha what had happened, but to tell someone else seemed to make it more real, and you were still confused. “I mean, I could talk to him for you, I guess.”

Eren laughed. “You mean he’ll actually listen to someone now? That hard-headed idiot, I got the impression he always thought he was right.” He paused. “Although...He did join the Survey Corps. I didn’t expect that from him.”

“Neither did I.” you replied quietly. “He almost died in Trost, you know. He took control of the situation, and nearly sacrificed his life for it. I think...I think he still feels guilty.”

You continued cleaning, lost in thought and memories. You realized that the last time you saw Marco alive was when he taunted the Titan away from Jean. What had happened to him after? How had he ended up dead, slumped against a wall? You knew that haunted Jean, and you wanted to cry thinking about him tossing and turning in bed at night, wondering what had happened to his best friend. You didn’t realize that you were actually crying until Eren put his hand gently on your shoulder.

“Hey. It’s all in the past now. We have a job to do, remember? You and I, we’re the fiery ones. People are counting on us to be strong.” Eren looked determined. “I’ve got Mikasa and Armin to think about. You’ve got Sasha, where’s she going to be if you start to lose it? And Jean...Something about him has changed, you’ve gotta be there for him.” His eyes sparkled with mischief. “Don’t think I didn’t see how he hung on to you last night.”

For as oblivious as Eren could be, you were surprised that he noticed. “Well, we’re...Um, we’re…” You struggled to find the words to explain what, exactly, you and Jean Kirstein were.

Eren waved it off. “You don’t have to explain it to me. Just remember that we all have a role to play. Yours and mine are the same. We’re the fire. People like Armin, even Jean apparently, they’re the brains. Mikasa is the fight. As long as we stick to that, even out on the next expedition, we’ll be all right.”


	25. The 57th Expedition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to go out beyond the Walls, but in doing so, you encounter a grave threat that you never expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, no filler chapters, then. More drama and tears and violence, yay!
> 
> I haven't felt the need to tag anything with trigger warnings yet, because let's face it, we're Attack on Titan fans, we're used to blood and gore. HOWEVER, AND THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT HENCE THE ALL CAPS, this chapter has a TRIGGER WARNING. That "Graphic Depictions of Violence" archive warning? Yeah, that's in FULL FUCKING FORCE here, with some graphic depictions of torture. I'm probably making it sound worse than it is, but I really don't want anyone triggered by it, so if you don't want to read it, I'll put little bold stars before and after the few paragraphs so you can skip them.

The next few weeks were spent in a Survey Corps crash course. You all had a lot to learn before heading beyond the Walls. Commander Erwin had come up with something called a Long Range Enemy Scouting Formation. You could see Armin marveling at the genius of it, and you had to agree. The name of the game was evasion in this case. If you were planning to make it to Shiganshina, you would need as many soldiers as you could to defend Eren in his old basement. You would fire off colored smoke signals, and Erwin would direct the expedition with green. It really was brilliant, and you admired the Commander greatly.

You quickly fell into the routine of training. It felt like your initial military training, although more intense, if that was possible. Captain Levi was relentless, leading you in endurance training. Ness took well to you and Sasha, being the most experienced riders in the new batch of recruits. He even trusted you to care for his horse, Charette, although he warned you to wear a hat or kerchief around her. You kept his secret when she pulled the kerchief from his head and you saw a large bald spot.

Meanwhile, on top of the training, Eren was subject to some experiments performed by Hanji Zoe. He always came back from those exhausted and frustrated, and Mikasa did her best to console him. Jean kept his mouth shut at your request. He could see that Eren was truly trying to learn to control his abilities, and you wondered if he was growing to respect and trust Eren. One night, you made the mistake of asking Hanji about the experiments, and ended up listening to stories, not wanting to be impolite and leave. Jean had to rescue you, insisting that you come to bed.

As the date of your departure to Karanes drew nearer, a frantic, nervous energy permeated the castle. Both Erwin and Levi had dark exhausted circles under their eyes, and Hanji grew more energetic. You focused on medical training with Sasha, learning how to stitch wounds and create makeshift tourniquets on the battlefield. One of Levi’s special squad members, Petra, helped you immensely, always being honest about what she had seen on her previous expeditions. She prepared you for any possible scenario, but despite the terrifying possibilities she explained, her kind and nurturing demeanor kept you calm.

Your journey to Karanes was delightfully uneventful. Most of your friends tried to ease their fears through humor, and you sat in a wagon with Jean, Sasha, Connie, and several Survey Corps soldiers, laughing the whole way. You held hands with Jean, enduring some light teasing from the Survey Corps soldiers. You stuck your tongue out at them playfully, and they roared with laughter at your childlike behavior.

It wasn’t until after dinner, and well after the time you should have been asleep, in Karanes that the fear began to settle in. It occurred to you that you could be dead the next day, that any of your friends could die in this expedition. You paced around your room nervously, trying to decide if your dinner would stay in your stomach. You yelped when there was a knock on your door. You opened it to see Jean, looking as nervous and exhausted as you felt.

“You couldn’t sleep either?” he asked, taking in your disheveled appearance. You shook your head, allowing him in. “Hard to believe we’re leaving tomorrow.” He held his arms out for you, and you rushed into them, sighing as he embraced you. “We’re prepared for it. Don’t worry.” he murmured soothingly to you.

“I can’t help thinking of Marco,” you muttered, feeling him tense up. “I came here wanting to get revenge, but now I’m terrified. I’m not as fiery or brave as I thought I was.”

“You are brave,” Jean said firmly, pulling back and holding you at arms length. “You came to the Survey Corps, despite seeing everything at Trost. You came here because you wanted to do what was right, for Marco, just like I did.” Tears welled up in his eyes, threatening to spill over. “Remember our promise.”

A single tear fell, and you stood on tiptoe, kissing it away. “I remember. I don’t plan on leaving you behind.” He kissed you softly, but behind it you felt your promise and his strength. The fire began to burn again in your chest. He turned to leave, but you pulled him back. “Stay here tonight. Just in case...Just in case it’s the last time.”

He gently poked your forehead. “None of that pessimism, young lady. That’s my job, remember?” You couldn’t help but smile as he pulled the covers back on your small bed. You got in, and as he lay down he put a protective arm around you. You curled into his side, and fell into a comfortable, dreamless sleep.

\-----

Your heart raced as you sat on your horse, awaiting the gate of Karanes to open. Commander Erwin was shouting words of bravery and encouragement, and every soldier raised a blade and shouted when the gate slowly lifted. The sound of hoofbeats and cheering filled the air, and you saw the looks of pride on the civilians’ faces. You locked eyes with a young girl, and she smiled at you, raising a fist into the air. You smiled back, pointing your blade at her in a small salute of acknowledgement. She excitedly turned to her friend, pointing at you.

You took your position in the second column, beside Armin. You held the reins to a spare horse in your left hand. You nodded to each other as you separated. You were positioned closer to the center column. You didn’t like it - you would have preferred Armin to be closer to safety. It wasn’t that you doubted Armin’s ability as a soldier, but you knew that if push came to shove, you would be handier in a fight. “Be careful!” you shouted at him. He nodded, his eyes narrow in determination.

You saw a tower of red smoke in the air, and you fired off a red signal of your own accordingly. You continued to ride, your head never staying still. You looked from right to left, watching for any sign of Titans. The formation was so spread out, there was no way of telling where a Titan could be hiding. You tried desperately to not think of your friends. Your horse suddenly whinnied, and you looked around frantically. A Titan stood about one hundred meters to your right. _Please don’t let it have noticed me, please…_

You fired another red flare, and continued to ride. The Titan’s head turned slowly towards you. _Shit!_ It slowly edged closer to you, not running, but almost like it was out for a leisurely stroll. You tried to remember everything Jean had taught you about using your gear on flat land. _Use the Titan’s body to launch your wires. Aim for its knees and ankles first. Knock it to the ground, then take the opportunity to slice its neck._

When the Titan was close enough, you grabbed your holsters and pulled the triggers. One wire landed directly into the Titan’s thigh. You launched yourself upwards, jumping off your horse and flying to the Titan. Once again, the adrenaline was coursing through you, your fear replaced by a fierce determination. You sliced a long gash into back of the giant’s knee, and it stumbled to the ground. Quickly, you retracted in mid-air, and pulled another blade as you killed it.

You landed next to the body, and your horses loyally returned to you. You hopped back on, patting her neck. “Good girl, Hariasa,” you murmured, riding back into position. You noticed a dissipating haze of black smoke to your right. “Goddammit!” you shouted. An abnormal! You fumbled with your pack and managed to fire a black signal.

You ended up near Armin. “Did you see it?” he shouted at you, still about twenty meters away.

“No!” You rode closer. “I was busy, I had a Titan of my own to kill. Where’s Squad Leader Ness?” You looked to your right, and were stunned to see a 14 meter Titan running faster than you had ever seen a Titan run. Ness and Siss were near it, and when you saw it stomp between them, they got separated. You could hear Siss’s battle cry as he moved to take out the abnormal. She (because it was definitely female) stopped as she crushed him with her shoulder.

“Siss!” you shouted. Anger threatened to overtake you then, and you made to ride towards him. Ness had taken the opportunity to fly upwards himself, and the Titan grabbed his wire and threw him, hard, into the ground. You screamed his name, thinking of Charette and the other horses who loved him so much.

“No! We can’t take it out on our own! We have to warn the others!” The desperation in Armin’s voice brought you back, and you growled as you rode away. As you rode quickly towards the center ranks, Armin thought out loud. “This one isn’t an abnormal! It’s intelligent! You saw how it killed them, it knows its advantages! It’s...It’s like Eren! It’s a human in a Titan body!”

“But why?!” you shrieked. “Why would anyone do this?”

“Split up!” Armin screamed at you. “Let the spare horse go! You’ll be faster without it!”

 ********* You let go of the reins, and darted to your right. The Female Titan stomped on the ground next to Armin, and you stopped, turning in horror. He flew from his horse, landing hard. You wanted to go to him, but you knew that someone had to warn the others of this terrifying new threat. Tears fell from your eyes as you prepared for Armin’s inevitable death. Just like in Trost, you wouldn’t look away. No, you would watch. You would let this image sink into your memory, and when you found out who was inside that body, you would eliminate them. You would torture them if you could, make them feel every shred of pain that they had brought upon humanity. You would slowly slice off their limbs. Would they regrow in human form? Part of you hoped so, so that you could inflict that pain upon them again and again.

The Titan knelt next to Armin, delicately pulling back the hood of his cloak. Your heart pounded in your chest, and you clenched your teeth, picturing your torture of the anonymous human. Maybe you would start by ripping out her fingernails, and hammering thin sticks of wood under her toenails. You could pull out her teeth, one by one, and make shallow, painful cuts on her face. *********

To your surprise, the Titan let Armin go. She slowly stood, and began running towards the center ranks again. “Armin…” you breathed. You made your way to him, but Reiner Braun got there first, an extra horse in tow.

“You can’t be out beyond the Walls without a horse.” he was saying to Armin as you arrived. He gave you a nod of acknowledgement as Armin climbed onto the new horse. “I saw the black smoke signaling an abnormal...Is this her? Gotta admit, she’s got a nice body for a Titan.” Reiner smirked.

“Oi, Reiner, that one killed Ness and Siss.” you shot back. He looked a bit shocked, but didn’t reply.

“This one’s not an abnormal. It’s like Eren, a human in a Titan body. Hold on, I’ve got to fire a flare!” Armin struggled clicking the smoke canister into his gun. A loud sound echoed behind you, and you turned.

“Jean!” you shouted as he pulled up beside you. “Oh my god, you’re all right!”

“I made you a promise,” he replied simply. “It looks like the right flank has been wiped out. A whole herd of Titans showed up all at once and overwhelmed them.” You closed your eyes, mourning the loss of more of your comrades.

“That’s the direction she came from...Did she lead those Titans here?” Armin mused.

“What, that one? What the hell is a Titan doing this far in the formation?” Jean asked, his temper flaring. Armin explained what he had already explained to you and Reiner, that this was yet another human being in a Titan body. “You’ve got to be shitting me.” Jean moaned.

“Armin, what makes you think that anyway?” Reiner asked.

“Titans only eat people. They kill us, yes, but killing us isn’t their primary objective. This one...When it was targeted, it just murdered Ness and Siss. It didn’t eat them, it just eliminated the threat. Its purpose seems to be different from other Titans...Just like when the Colossal and Armored Titans destroyed the Wall. Their objective was just to kill humankind, not eat them.” Armin paused, his forehead creased in concentration. “This one...I think it’s looking for someone. Could it be looking for Eren?”

“Eren? He’s with Squad Levi. They’re somewhere in the right flank.”

Your heart dropped. If they were in the right flank, they were probably already dead. But if that was the case, and Armin was right that the Female Titan was searching for Eren…

“Why is she still going, then? She came from the right flank, if she was looking for Eren she would have already found him.” you pointed out.

“I think you guys are mistaken. My chart had Squad Levi in the left flank.” Jean seemed confused. Come to think of it, your chart also had them in the left center.

“That’s strange...I was told they were in the right flank, too. But that wouldn’t make sense, they wouldn’t be positioned so far in the front, would they?” You could very nearly hear the wheels turning in Armin’s brain. “They should be in the safest part of the formation - the center rear.”

“Armin!” Jean interjected. “We don’t have time to think about things. We can’t let people know something like this with just a flare, we have to actually tell them.”

“What are you saying, Kirstein?” Reiner asked impatiently.

“At this distance, we should still be able to attract its attention. We can buy enough time to let the formation retreat. Hopefully, anyway.” Your eyes widened. This was the Jean Kirstein you had come to love. He was smart, willing to take the lead, and hell bent on doing what was right.

“So where’s the real Jean? The Jean I remember only looked out for himself.” Reiner smirked.

Jean looked at you. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to end up as a pile of bones no one can recognize. And on top of that, I made a promise.” You locked eyes with him and nodded firmly. “Besides all that, this is the job we chose! Are you with me, or not?”


	26. The Female Titan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a near-deadly assault on the Female Titan, you have to wonder if you'll have to leave someone behind. A goddess comes to save you from the decision, and you have to roll your eyes at the boys' behavior.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to name Reader's horse "Hariasa". Hariasa is a Germanic goddess, only mentioned on one stone that has now been lost. A scholar thought that "Hariasa" derived from "Herjaza", related to a Nordic word "herja" (to wage war). I was taught once that Hariasa is possibly the same as Herja, a Norse valkyrie. And this has been your lesson in old German/Norse beings, probably all completely wrong but I Googled it so at least I tried.

You were scared, but convinced yourself to hide it. This was no time for fear. You didn’t have time for fear. Jean was, and always had been, a man of action. You would take your inspiration from him, and not show your fear, leading your friends courageously. “Pull up your hoods so she can’t see your face! She won’t kill you as long as she doesn’t know who you are, she probably wants to take Eren alive.” Armin pointed out.

“Let’s hope she had shitty eyesight, too!” Reiner quipped as he pulled the hood of his cloak over his head.

“Armin...It always kind of creeped me out how you were always hanging around Eren...But I always knew you were capable.” Jean said. You looked at him in confusion. Was that an insult, or a compliment? He was definitely not a man good with words.

“Um...Thank you, I think? I’m not quite sure how to take that, but...Thanks?” Armin replied, confused. You couldn’t help but laugh. “Is he always like this?” he asked you.

“He’s not a man of many words, and certainly not complimenting ones.” You teased. “Jean, let’s save the awkward compliments for later, yeah?”

You caught up to the Titan faster than you expected. _Could she be exhausted? She’s been running for quite some time...Maybe if she’s tired her reaction time will be slower. We can do this!_

The four of you split off from each other. You rode just behind Jean, who would be the first to launch his assault. You would follow shortly after, aiming for anywhere you could slice her down. Reiner would follow up from the other side. Your heart pounded in your chest. “Remember! Aim for her Achilles tendon! That should be enough to bring her down, and then we can cut her out!” Jean shouted at you. You nodded as he brought his blade to his lips and kissed it. You mimicked the motion as he stood on the back of his horse.

He launched a wire in the Titan’s direction, but she stopped. It missed, and Jean landed as gracefully as he could on the ground. The Titan looked at him, swinging an arm. “No! Jean!” You prepared to jump, but the Titan turned, and smacked Armin’s horse. Armin flew through the air, his gear falling off, and he rolled several meters away. The Female Titan dropped to one knee, her predatory gaze locked on Armin.

“Armin!” Jean shouted. He ran, shooting at the Titan’s shoulder. It landed, and he began to fly. The wire pulled out of the Titan’s soft flesh, and Jean fired another.

“Jean! Look out!” you shrieked as the Titan flung an arm in his direction. He twisted underneath it, retracting the wire and shooting another into the upper back. You had always been impressed with Jean’s ability with vertical maneuvering, but this was almost magical to watch. He flew like a bird, like he was born to be in the sky. Gas trailed behind him as he circled the Titan, his blades at the ready. It was then that you noticed the Titan was guarding its weak spot, and Jean’s wire wouldn’t retract. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. The Female Titan flung her arm out, moving to strike Jean from the air. Your worst nightmares were coming true. Jean would fall, splattered to the ground like a fly. That animalistic rage filled you once again, and you screamed his name, crying out for any sort of salvation.

It came to you in a way you never would have expected.

“Jean! Don’t let that suicidal maniac die in vain!” Armin yelled. Jean fell to the ground, bruised but alive. You turned your horse towards him, dismounting and running to him as he leaned against a tree.

“What the hell is he doing?” Jean shouted. “He’s going to get himself killed!” You ignored his words, clinging to him as your heartbeat slowed. You noticed Reiner, lowering his hood as he approached the Titan.

“She’s the one who did it! She killed my friend! I saw his body clinging to her foot! She stomped him to death!”

The Female Titan’s attention seemed to be on Armin, although she wasn’t looking at him. Reiner leapt, going for the nape of her neck. “Is he crazy?! He’s going right for her weak spot!” you shouted, taking a step forward. You gasped as she grabbed him in her hand, holding him tightly.

“No! Reiner!” Jean called angrily. He made to go and rescue him, but you pulled him back. The pair of you stood in shock as she brought her thumb up and crushed Reiner. The three of you that remained were still. Suddenly, Reiner burst out of the Titan’s grasp, landing behind Armin and grabbing him as he ran. “What the hell?!”

“Come on! I think we’ve distracted it enough to get some distance!” Reiner called to you. You and Jean began to run, following Reiner to the relative safety of some trees.

“I forgot how much of a badass he is!” Jean yelled, almost joyfully.

“He did place just behind Mikasa in training!” Looking back, you saw the Female Titan stand, and continue to run towards the center, ignoring you.

\-----

You were fortunate in that Reiner’s horse and your own returned to you, hidden in a small cluster of trees. Jean was whistling, hoping to draw his own horse back, as you bandaged Armin’s head. Reiner was looking over Armin’s gear.

“You’re lucky this isn’t broken.” Reiner mused, clicking the blades back into place.

“It released properly, so it should be okay.” Armin replied softly. It was clear he was still thinking. He winced as you tightened the bandage, and you apologized. “No, it’s okay. It’s better for it to be bound the right way.” You were as gentle as possible, and smoothed his hair in an almost motherly fashion. “Thank you.”

You waved off his thanks. You were just doing your job. You approached Jean, who was still whistling. “You okay?” He nodded at you in reply. “If your horse doesn’t come back...We might have to leave someone behind. Reiner’s too big to ride double, and one horse can’t shoulder you, me, and Armin at once.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Jean snapped at you.

“Don’t get that tone with me, Kirstein.” you replied shortly. “I’m well aware of the stakes here. I don’t want to lose anyone, either, and you know damn well I’m not going to let you play the sacrificial lamb for my sake.” Your expression softened, and you took Jean’s hand. “We’re going to make it out of here, all four of us. I don’t know how, but we’ll figure it out.”

Jean brought your hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly. “Maybe I should go out there and try to find my horse.”

“I’ll go with you. We can cover more ground together.” you replied instantly. He was about to respond when Reiner interrupted.

“One of us is going to have to stay here.”

You and Jean shot him death glares. “Wait! We should try firing an emergency flare first. Maybe someone is close by.” Armin looked to Jean. Jean nodded, and fired a purple flare into the sky.

“We wait three minutes.” Reiner said flatly. “If no one comes, then we decide.”

“It should be me.” Armin offered. You shouted in protest, but he held up a hand. “But if I’m going to be left behind, I need you to relay a message, preferably to Commander Erwin himself.”

“Armin…” you moved to him, to try to comfort him in some way.

“You can make that report yourself! Someone’s coming this way...And they have two horses with them!” Jean’s voice was ecstatic at the near impossibility of this miracle. “It’s Krista!” She ran towards you faster than seemed possible. “She has my horse! Brunwald!” Jean ran to his horse, patting him gently on the neck.

“He ran over to me, totally spooked!” Krista exclaimed. She noticed Armin. “You’re hurt!” Armin shrugged it off, blushing.

“You took a chance following that flare here.” Reiner mused, looking at Krista admiringly.

“I was nearby, and I recognized Jean’s horse. I’m just...I’m so glad you’re all okay!” She wiped a tear from her eye. “I was so afraid the worst had happened!”

The boys seemed entranced by her. You rolled your eyes as you got on Hariasa’s back and rode beside her. “Thanks, Krista. You’re a lifesaver.” You turned to the boys. Jean had the decency to look ashamed of himself, and you snickered. “Hey, boys! We should hurry up and rejoin the formation. They’ll be expecting us.”


	27. Wounded Animal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and your friends are ordered to sit and guard the Forest of Giant Trees, and it ends up in another fearsome battle against your gigantic foes.

You explained the situation to Krista as you rode, expecting to see signal flares issuing the order to retreat at any moment. “Going back this shortly after leaving the Walls, that’s not going to look good.” you pondered. “The people are already upset enough with the Survey Corps, and what about Eren? If this is a failed mission, the Military Police will have their way with him!”

Suddenly, several green plumes appeared in the distance to your left. “Green?!” Jean shouted. “What the hell? Why aren’t we retreating?”

“They’re just changing direction! We’re continuing the mission!” Armin’s voice was confused. “Commander Erwin must know something we don’t.”

You fired a green smoke signal in the same direction as the others, signaling to any who may be able to see. “It’s the soldiers who decide if a mission is a bust. Did they not see our signals?” Reiner’s faced was contorted in a mix of confusion and anger.

“Our orders are clear!” Armin said firmly. You were impressed with how brilliantly Armin was handling himself on this expedition. It reminded you of how he protected Eren behind Wall Rose, using his words to fight. Even then, fearing for the lives of his friends, he had figured out what to do. Now he was doing the same, protecting you and saving Jean’s life.

You followed the trails of green smoke. It occurred to you that you were heading straight for the Forest of Giant Trees. It had been a huge tourist destination before the fall of Wall Maria. You had been there once or twice yourself as a child, running around and climbing the smaller trees with Sasha. Your heart raced as you thought of her. Surely she was okay? She had to be. You felt like you would know immediately if something had happened to her, your bond was that strong.

“What the hell is Commander Erwin going to do here? Is he planning on throwing all of us rookies a damn welcome party?” Jean asked sarcastically as you rode ever closer to the forest.

“No...I’m pretty sure that’s not it.” Armin replied. You laughed. Armin was smart, but his sense of humor didn’t exactly match Jean’s.

“I was joking.” Jean replied, deadpan. Armin’s eyes widened.

“Oh! Of course.” He blushed a little, and you reached over to pat his back reassuringly.

“Regardless, that Female Titan is still on our tail. We can’t stop here!” You tried to reason with yourself.

“He’s probably passing through here on the way somewhere else. The trees make for good use of our gear.” Jean pointed out.

“Recruits! Halt!”

You all stopped, confused. You were ordered to dismount and hitch your horses to some nearby trees. You and Jean tied Hariasa and Buchwald to the trunk of a small tree, and they gratefully began to graze.

“Listen up, rookies! We’re going to interception mode! Draw your swords and make your way to a tree branch. Whatever you do, do not allow any Titans into this forest!”

You blinked rapidly, confused. You exchanged a look with your comrades. Interception mode? Did they intend on capturing the Female Titan? She had already taken out so many soldiers, were they really willing to risk even more lives for her?

“Squad Leader! Why are we-” Jean began.

“Shut up and do as you’re told!” The Squad Leader launched himself up into the trees and out of sight.

You heard Sasha calling your name, and you whirled around and ran to her. You crashed into each others’ arms, grateful to see the other alive. “Recruits! In the trees, NOW!” You separated, chastised, and flew up to the trees with the other recruits.

“What happened? Why is Armin’s head all bandaged up?” Sasha asked when you were safely out of sight.

“We ran into an abnormal...No, not an abnormal, it’s like Eren. A human. She took out-”

“She?!” Sasha nearly shouted.

“Yeah, it’s pretty clearly female. She took out Ness and Siss, and who knows how many others on the right flank. She almost got us. Armin saved our lives back there.” You continued to ponder. “I have no idea who it could be. How did they escape the Wall? Surely we would have heard about it if a fucking Titan randomly appeared in Wall Rose.”

“Maybe they shifted into Titan form outside of the Wall?” Sasha offered. “But...How did they get out, then? The gates are pretty heavily guarded.”

Your eyes widened as you came to a realization. “Sasha...You’re right. They couldn’t get out on foot.” You looked over at Armin. He was a tree away from you, standing on a branch near Jean. You wanted more than anything to talk with him. Surely his brain was going as fast as yours was, only you weren’t entirely capable of understanding. He was. Part of you hoped desperately that you were wrong.

_She must be part of the Corps. She was stationed on the right flank...It would have been easy for her to separate herself to transform. She’s a traitor!_

Your fists clenched around your blades. To think, a traitor in the Survey Corps! You came to this regiment with hope, to help take back Wall Maria, to restore humanity. After reclaiming human territory, you would work to take more land back, until you could finally live free of the cage surrounding you. Once Eren found out about this, he would be as incensed as you were. You knew Eren, like yourself, prided himself on his loyalty to humankind and his determination to see the outside world. A part of you wanted to be there to see him strike down the Female Titan, rip her human body from its Titan shell, and tear her apart.

You could hear Jean ranting about the order. He didn’t like being kept in the dark. He appreciated honesty, and to be ordered to do something without being given a reason why was clearly upsetting him. “If their subordinates consider their leader ineffective, the leader can often end up on the wrong end of a sword.” Jean was saying.

“Jean!” you hissed over at him. He looked at you, fire in his eyes. “Calm down.”

Armin was trying to calm him too, his eyes wide and fearful. Jean sighed. “I’m not going to do anything. I’m just venting, okay? I’m not like our little fire demon over there.” He pointed at you, smirking.

You and your friends stood in the trees for what seemed like an eternity. The number of Titans crawling below you grew, drawn in by the scent of the humans gathered there. Your heart raced. Some of them appeared to be trying to climb the trees. You weren’t sure if Titans even could climb, unless it was an abnormal. Suddenly, a loud explosion came from inside the forest. You nearly fell off the branch in surprise as birds flew, cawing and screeching, from the leafy branches.

“What in the hell was that?” you shouted. No one had a reply. This was different than anything you had been prepared for. You didn’t even know what could make a sound like that. It was like cannonfire, but different. You could have sworn you heard a sound much like what came from your gear when you shot a wire into something, that straining, screeching sound.

You remained in position, ready to fight if you had to, but knowing that it was futile against the number of Titans on the ground. “I’m sure they’ll be issuing a retreat order soon…” Sasha whimpered beside you.

A loud scream pierced the air. You and Sasha both froze. You had heard that sound before. You were hunters, and had heard it out in the forests near Dauper. Wounded animals made that cry, desperate to survive, calling out to any of its kind that could help it. You were right - the Titans on the ground began to run into the forest, completely ignoring the humans they could have feasted on.

“Let’s go!” Jean yelled, and you flew with him, ignoring Sasha’s cries of protest. “What the hell? Why are they ignoring us? They can’t all be abnormals!”

“Jean! That scream, I’ve heard it before! It must have been the Female Titan, she’s wounded and desperate!” you shouted in return. “We have to be careful! We have no idea what any of this is!”

Jean gave you a curt nod, and you began your work, cutting down Titans that you could reach. They were ridiculously fast, and even in this environment, ideal for vertical maneuvering, it was difficult to catch up. You found Connie, and worked with him again. This time, the Titans weren’t distracted by you, but you had improved in the month since Trost. You called out directions, and between you, Connie, and Jean, you managed to kill many of the slower Titans. You went back to the branches, panting heavily.

“NOW are we going to get that retreat order?” Jean snapped, feet planted firmly against the trunk of the tree.

You had never been more grateful for the smoke signal you saw floating high above the forest.

 


	28. The Oath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An expedition outside the Wall is nothing without tremendous danger. You find your fire once again, but it's forced back by Jean and Captain Levi.

You hurriedly mounted your horses and began to make your way back to Karanes District. You rode alongside Jean and Armin, thinking about the mission. Had Erwin somehow known that this would happen? There’s no way he could have known about the Female Titan. The mission was supposed to go off without a hitch, making your way to Shiganshina, setting up supply camps, eventually making it to the basement. That was why you had joined the damn Scout Regiment in the first place. Commander Erwin had made it sound like you were so close to retaking Wall Maria. He had given you all hope. Did that mean nothing? You didn’t want to think that your commander had lied to you, just to get more bodies into the Legion. How many people had died today?

“If he’s issued the retreat order, the mission must have been a success, right?” Jean asked, narrowing his eyes at Armin. You looked at the blonde, too, hoping that he had some insight to share.

“If that’s the case, then they must already know who the human inside the Female Titan is.”

“I hope I get to see who it is,” you growled angrily. You had not forgotten the thoughts of torture than ran through your mind when she had nearly killed Armin, Jean, and Reiner. You cursed yourself for freezing up in that situation. You prided yourself on your bravery, but when the time came, you were too fearful. “How did the commander know that she would go after Eren once we were outside the safety of the Walls?”

Armin spoke without hesitation. “I think it’s because of how the Titans stopped their last attack. Something interrupted them. The Colossal Titan showed up, and we all expected the Armored to follow, right? But the Armored Titan never appeared.” Armin took a breath. “Something was more important to them than breaking in through the wall. I think it was Eren.”

“You mean Eren turning into a Titan?” Jean asked, horrified. “But...But that means that they were there!”

You saw the anger in his face, and were sure that your own expression mirrored it. When you had come to the realization that the Female Titan must be someone within your own ranks, you were horrified. You prayed that you were wrong. Armin had only confirmed your worst fear - there was a traitor amongst you.

“Someone who was there. Someone who saw Eren turn into a Titan. They must have communicated to the others, somehow, to halt their advance.”

You and Jean scowled in unison. “When I find out who it is, I’ll kill them myself.” you muttered. Jean looked as though he agreed with you. Too many people had died because of her. How many bodies were left behind in the forest? You knew that you had been among the lucky ones. You encountered the Female Titan, even fought her, and had somehow survived. Some of the older members of the Survey Corps had not been so lucky. Your heart cried for Ness, Siss, and the unnamed soldiers who had died for their cause. You wanted to demand answers from Commander Erwin and Captain Levi. You wanted to remind them of the human lives lost in this seemingly fruitless mission.

A loud crack and flash of lightning pulled you from your thoughts. “A Titan transformation?!” you shrieked. “But...If the Female Titan has been captured...It must be Eren!” You watched the forest behind you as you rode away, seeing nothing but birds flying out, cawing and screaming. Minutes later, another crack signaled another transformation. “Oh, no…” you whispered. Determined, you stopped and wheeled your horse around.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Back in formation!” Jean yelled at you. “You’re going to get yourself killed!”

“What am I supposed to do?!” you shrieked at him, stopping.

“You’re supposed to follow your fucking orders, that’s what! Now get back in formation before I pull you off your horse and force you!” The look in Jean’s eyes angered you. It was clear that he wanted to help just as much as you did. You knew, though, that he was right. He had never steered you wrong before, and he wouldn’t start now. You turned and rode back to the group, hearing Eren’s scream in the distance.

The soldiers stopped at a safe distance from the forest. Mikasa and Levi had joined you, carrying a dirty and unconscious Eren. “What happened?” you asked Mikasa gently as you helped her settle him in the back of a wagon. You removed your cloak, folding it to make a pillow and setting it carefully under his head.

“I’m sure it will all come out once we get back to the Wall,” Mikasa practically whispered, shaking her head as she brushed back Eren’s hair. You helped her wrap a bandage around his forehead, and held Eren’s hand for a moment before leaving. You were certain he would be okay - he had to be. Fires weren’t put out that easily.

You gasped when you saw the line of bodies wrapped in cloth on the ground before you. Armin and Jean were loading them into a wagon, and you went to help. “This is the part of our job I’ll never get used to.” Jean mused, heaving another body onto the pile. You knew he was thinking of Marco, just as you were. At least these soldiers died heroically, on a mission. Marco’s death remained a mystery, just another soldier lost in the battle against the Titans. “I wonder how we’re going to die. How I’m going to die. It’s all I can think about lately.” Jean sighed. You held his hand tenderly, reminding him of your presence and hoping that it would calm him. Looking over the cloth-wrapped bodies, you couldn’t help but wonder the same thing.

“I try not to think about it.” Armin suddenly interjected, almost cheerfully. You looked at him in confusion. “If I spend too much time thinking about things like that, I won’t be able to fight. I’ll be too scared.”

“You’re right.” Jean said after a pause. Determined, he let go of your hand and returned to his job, stacking the bodies high on the wagon.

After your short respite, it was time to head back to safety. It was too dangerous outside the Walls, and to linger in one place too long was asking for trouble. You rode alongside Jean and Armin, who had suddenly become your companions on this expedition. Sasha and Connie were next to the supply wagon ahead of you, while Mikasa, of course, was by Eren’s side. He had yet to wake up, and you began to worry he never would. No one spoke, too traumatized and terrified. “Titan!” a soldier shouted suddenly, nearly making you fall off your horse.

Behind you in the distance, you saw two soldiers riding fast, with two Titans on their tail. “Why the hell are they so far back?” Jean asked.

Squinting, you noticed that one soldier was carrying a body behind him. “They went back for a body! Idiots!” You scowled. You knew that you would probably do the same if you could, but a fierce desire to keep yourself and everyone in your squad alive would have prevented you from doing something so idiotic.

“What do we do? Is our only choice to fight them?” Jean asked over the sound of rapid hoofbeats.

“Our gear has limited use on flat land...We saw that earlier.” Armin pondered.

“We pulled it off then, we can pull it off now!” you shouted, getting ready to fight. You saw one Titan swipe at one of the soldiers, and the body fell from the horse’s back. They kept riding, looking back, while the other soldier got picked up and eaten by the other Titan. “We have to do something!” you screamed. The taller Titan was gaining on you quickly, nearing the wagons.

“We can…” Armin looked at the wagon full of the dead. Jean scowled, and you reeled in horror at the thought.

“No! We can’t do that!” you yelled. “They’ve already died for us, we’re going to use their bodies to stay alive?!”

You noticed Mikasa riding towards the further Titan, and she effortlessly (because everything she did seemed effortless) sliced it down, saving the soldier’s life. Meanwhile, the two soldiers in the wagon were debating on what to do. Captain Levi suddenly showed up. “Don’t engage them. Dump the bodies.”

You growled. “No! I’ll kill it myself!” Your hands were already on your holsters, ready to engage.

“There are hundreds of dead we couldn’t bring home before. These aren’t any more special. Consider it their last service to humanity.” Levi said stoically.

“No!” you shouted again, ready to stand.

“Are you defying a direct order, Cadet?” Levi shouted at you. “I’m telling you to stand down! Now!” His eyes were narrow, staring at you. You had never feared the Captain before, but the look in his eyes told you that this was just as hard for him to do as it was for you to accept. You scowled as you sat back down on your horse, and found yourself unable to look anywhere but the wagon.

You watched as bodies were flung from the wagon, and eventually you outpaced the Titan. Again, as you had done far too many times in your short military career, you swore to the dead that you would avenge them. You hoped your words wouldn’t end up being empty. _Marco...All of you, I swear, I won’t let your deaths mean nothing. I’ll carry on your mission, and one day we’ll be free._


	29. Revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once you return to Karanes District, Commander Erwin summons those of you who encountered the Female Titan to a meeting. Armin has an idea of who the human inside may have been, and it both shocks and repulses you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy, happy birthday to Eren Jaeger, that adorable rage-filled lunatic!
> 
> Cheesy ending to a depressing chapter! I just want them all to be happy, geez, but that doesn't seem in the cards.

You sighed in relief when you reached Karanes District. The sight of the gate had never been so pleasant to you. You dismounted, holding Hariasa’s reins in your hand. The remaining bodies had been covered with a cleaner cloth, although everyone knew what was underneath. The angry shouts of the crowd startled you, and you looked around with wide eyes. You knew that tension had been mounting regarding the state of the Survey Corps, and the number of deaths that were reported (which was always lower than the actual number of dead - Commander Erwin often reported missing bodies as “missing in action”, but you knew exactly what that really meant).

“Was it worth it?! All those deaths, was it really worth it?”

“Give us answers, Commander!”

To his credit, Commander Erwin rode tall and proud, his shoulders back and a stoic look upon his face. You saw one citizen spit at the ground in front of him, and you very nearly lost control. You bared your teeth like an animal, and moved to grab the civilian, but Jean’s warm, steady hand took yours, and he shook his head. “You’ll only make it worse,” he murmured. “Let them be upset. They have every right to be.”

“They’re not the ones risking their lives every day to take back Wall Maria, are they?” you snapped. A man standing near you laughed.

“Fat lot of good that does, isn’t it? You were gone for all of what, four hours? Get any closer to the Wall?” he taunted you. Jean gave him a fierce glare, and the man cowered in fear.

You saw the young girl that you had locked eyes with upon your departure. You didn’t want to look at her. She had seemed so supportive of you, and you didn’t want to see the look of disappointment in her eyes. To your surprise, she smiled at you. You managed a small smile in return, but felt tears stinging your eyes. Jean’s grip on your hand tightened as you walked together. He was shaking, whether in rage or sadness, you couldn’t tell. Jean was guarded with his emotions, and it took something big happening to get him to release them. He was, you realized, more devoted to the cause than you had expected him to be. Something had changed in him, was continuing to change. You briefly wondered if there would be room for you anymore, if his devotion to the military would push you aside. Or was it the fear of losing you, like he lost Marco?

You were stopped halfway through the district by the Military Police. Jean and Armin had to hold you back when they took Commander Erwin away. Captain Levi glared at you, shaking his head as if it would reassure you. “He’ll be taken for questioning. He’ll come back to headquarters later tonight.”

\-----

You barely had time to change out of your uniform before you were summoned to a meeting with the Commander. To your surprise, you found Jean, Mikasa, and Armin there as well. “What’s going on?” you asked immediately, tensing. Your comrades looked confused as well.

“We’re here to discuss the Female Titan. You encountered her in the field, so you may have some insight that I’m lacking.” Commander Erwin gestured for you to sit. You settled in between Jean and Mikasa, accepting the tea that Erwin poured for you. He took a deep breath. “I want to know if any of you have any insight into who she might be. It’s clear she’s someone in the military. She had access to vertical maneuvering gear. I also think she may be the one who killed Sawney and Bean.”

“I agree with your assessment, Commander.” Armin said in a firm voice. He was becoming more and more brave with every passing day. He had a way of seeing what you could not, of seeing past any shrouds and reaching a conclusion. “I also...I think I may know who it is.”

You gaped at him. “You knew, and you didn’t say anything until now?” you screeched. “You knew, out there in the field, and you never said?”

Mikasa put a hand on your arm to calm you. “He must have had a good reason. With that temper of yours…” she trailed off.

“So I’m not the only one who’s noticed that, then.” Jean smirked at you. “If you had known, you would have gone after her in an instant, and died for it. Armin was right not to say anything.”

“So who is your suspect then, Arlert?” Erwin steered the conversation back.

Armin took a deep breath. “Let me explain my evidence first. During inspection, I noticed that she didn’t have her own gear. She reacted to my use of the words ‘suicidal maniac’, so she must have known I was talking about Eren.”

“Whose gear did she have?” you asked curiously. “No one was missing their gear, so she couldn’t have stolen it.”

Armin locked eyes with Jean. “Marco’s. She had Marco’s gear.”

You and Jean gasped simultaneously. “Then...Is she the one who...Did she kill Marco?” Jean asked through clenched teeth. Your visions of torture returned in full force. Anyone who would kill another human being was worth torturing. Anyone who took the kind, precious Marco from the world, from you, from Jean, was worth torturing.

Armin shook his head. “I don’t know. I just know that it was Marco’s gear.” He turned to the commander. “I helped him with maintenance sometimes, that’s how I knew. The scratches on his gear...They were instantly recognizable to me.”

“Who is it, Arlert?” Commander Erwin asked firmly. Armin looked fearful, as though he didn’t want to admit it, even to himself. No one wanted to admit that there was a traitor in the military. No one wanted to think that someone they may have known, that they must have known according to Armin’s evidence, was a killer.

“Annie Leonhardt.”

You were grateful that you were sitting. Had you been standing, you would have fallen in that moment. You had never been particularly fond of Annie, but had never doubted that her only desire was to live safely in the Military Police. To think that she had been the one to strike so many soldiers down, that she had nearly killed you all, was too much for you to even consider.

“She was in the 104th. She graduated in the top ten, she was the only one to join the Military Police.” Armin explained. “That’s how she knew about the ‘suicidal maniac’ thing.”

“So you knew even then?” Jean asked. “You saved my life with that.”

“It was only a suspicion then.” Armin shook his head. “That basically confirmed it for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you sooner.”

“You saved all of our lives, Armin. You have nothing to be sorry for.” you reassured him.

“So. We have to come up with a plan of action to capture her.” The Commander sipped his tea. “The fact that she’s in the Military Police may help us.” He sighed, shuffling some papers. “You are dismissed. I’ll call you to a meeting with Eren and Captain Levi when I’ve come up with a plan.”

You followed Jean as you left the room. He led you to his room, and you sat together on the bed. “Annie…” you whispered. “I...I can’t believe it.”

“You have to.” Jean said harshly. “Armin’s never been wrong before. She stole Marco’s gear. She used him. She might have killed him.” Jean’s fists were clenched at his sides. “I’ll never forgive her for that. I need answers from her. We have to capture her alive.”

“Or dead,” you snarled. “She killed too many of us. She deserves it.”

Jean looked both surprised and saddened at the anger in your voice. “Who are we to decide who dies?”

“When someone killed half of our squad!” you shouted. “She did it! She killed her own comrades! She was going to kill YOU, or don’t you remember?” You grabbed Jean’s shirt, balling the fabric into your fist. “She almost took you away from me! She would have, in an instant! I’ll kill her myself if I can. I’ll make it slow. Painful. It’s only right that she feels the same thing we do.”

Jean gently removed his shirt from your hand, and lifted your chin to look at you. “We’ve got to do something about that temper.” He sounded almost affectionate. “I’m still here. She didn’t take me, she didn’t take you. We need answers, not revenge.” He shook his head and laughed. “Sometimes I feel like I’m in love with Eren’s twin, the way you rage like he does.”

“Shut up!” you punched his shoulder lightly. “I’m nowhere near Eren’s level of anger. That boy rages like no other, mine doesn’t even compare.”

“Whatever you say, fire demon.” He kissed your forehead, and it was only then that the words he used really hit you. _In love?_

“...In love?” You looked at him in surprise. You hadn’t yet uttered those words out loud. You had thought it over and over again, usually right before you were diving headfirst into danger. He looked embarrassed, and ran a hand through his hair. You giggled at his shyness, and kissed him gently. “I love you, too, Horseface.”


	30. Disbelieving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi are informed of the Female Titan's identity, and Commander Erwin has a plan that will take place during your journey through Stohess District.

It wasn’t long before you were called into the mess hall. Eren and Levi were waiting for you there. Eren looked surprised to see his fellow graduates with the Commander, and you solemnly sat across from him. You weren’t looking forward to telling him that Annie was the prime suspect. Eren prided himself on his loyalty, and respected that trait in others. To hear that the Titan he had fought and nearly died to was someone he may have considered a friend would destroy him.

“We’ve found someone we believe is the Female Titan.” Commander Erwin was right down to business, his forehead creased. He handed everyone some papers, and spread a map across the table. He took a breath and launched into his plan. “We’ll execute the plan in two days, on our way through Stohess District to the capital. It’s our only opportunity. If we fail, Eren will be handed over to the Military Police, and the future of the Survey Corps hangs in the balance. Without Eren, it will be difficult to capture the ones who intend to break through the wall. We will put everything we have into this operation.”

Your heart raced. It was becoming clear to you that the Survey Corps was now more dangerous than you had ever imagined. You knew your life was destined to be short, but you imagined dying to Titans beyond the walls. You never thought that you would end up going behind the backs of the Military Police. If this operation failed, surely the Survey Corps would be disbanded, and you would be imprisoned.

“This is how it will play out,” Erwin continued. “Eren will be a decoy as we lead the target through Stohess, to this underground passage. There is an underground city, it mostly lies in ruins.” He looked to Levi, whose face was as unreadable as ever. “Once underground, the walls there will allow us to control the girl, even if she transforms into a Titan. However, in the unlikely circumstance that she transforms before we can get her there, we’ll have to rely on you, Eren.”

“Yes, sir,” Eren sat up straight. “But...Are we sure that the target is in Stohess District?” he asked. You suspected that he was thinking about who it might be. Everyone knew the Female Titan was human inside, but Stohess was in the Interior. Only the rich could live there. To think that someone had been able to achieve that kind of wealth, and was willing to tear down the Walls anyway? You couldn’t help but scowl. Annie was certainly not wealthy, she had ended up in the Interior based on her skill in the military. What was her intent, anyway? Did she harbor some sort of misanthropy? Did she hate humans because of what she was? What possible motivation could she have to destroy everything humanity had?

“Our target is a member of the Military Police.” Erwin responded calmly, but the icy look in his eyes betrayed his true feelings. “Armin is the one who figured it out.” Eren’s head quickly turned to his friend, who sat beside him looking down at his lap. He was shaking like a leaf, twisting his hands together nervously. “We think the Female Titan is the one who killed the two captive Titans. A member of your 104th Training Division.”

Eren’s eyes widened. “Wait! Wait just a minute!” he protested loudly. “Our 104th? Someone we trained with? That’s impossible! No one would-”

“Let him finish, Eren.” you interjected. “Besides, you of all people should know that anything is possible at this point.”

Erwin took a deep breath and looked directly at Eren. Looking into his eyes would hopefully reassure Eren that he was telling the truth. “The one we think is the Female Titan graduated in the top ten of your class. She joined the Military Police, the only one of the top ten to do so.” A look of fearful realization crossed Eren’s face as he began to shake his head disbelievingly. “Annie Leonhardt.”

Silence fell over the table. Jean was looking at Eren, a solemn expression on his face. Armin looked nervous, while Erwin and Levi stayed strong and stoic. You wanted to shout at Eren. It was clear he didn’t want to believe it. You wanted to poke and prod at the embers that still remained of his fire, stoke it back to life. You wanted him to be as angry as you were. He was the only one who could do anything about it without facing their certain death. You cursed yourself for not being strong enough. Part of you wished that you had the same ability as Eren. Surely, the two of you together would be able to take her down.

“Annie...Annie is the Female Titan? Wait...But why? Are you sure? Armin?”

Armin refused to look at Eren as he answered. “The Female Titan recognized your face from the very start. She responded to my reference to the ‘suicidal maniac’, no one but our fellow cadets would understand it. My hardest evidence is that she’s the primary suspect in killing Sawney and Bean.”

“But...How do you know that?” Eren asked. “Everyone’s gear was inspected. Surely if it had been her, she would have been caught!”

Armin shook his head. “She didn’t submit her own gear for inspection. It was...It was Marco’s.”

“Marco?” Eren looked at Jean, whose face remained emotionless. “What does Marco have to do with this?” He shook his head again. “You have to have made a mistake. Maybe it just looked like someone else’s gear!”

“No, I’m completely certain-”

“Hey. We get that part.” Levi interrupted. “Do you have anything else?”

“Well...No.”

“There’s the fact that Annie looks like the Female Titan.” Mikasa spoke up, quiet but firm.

“Are you serious?!” There was a loud squeaking sound as Eren pushed his chair back and stood. “That’s your evidence? That’s not enough!”

“So, you have no real evidence, but we’re going to do it anyway.” Levi said calmly.

“You...You don’t have real evidence? But we can’t...What if it isn’t Annie?” Eren asked.

“But what if it is?! You KNOW it is, Eren! This is enough! It’s her! She deserves to be caught, she NEEDS to be caught, before she can do any more damage!” you yelled, standing up yourself.

“Sit down, both of you.” Levi commanded. “We don’t have time for stupid arguments. We just have to formulate the plan.”

You reluctantly sat back down, and Eren followed your lead, but not before glaring at you. “If it’s not Annie, she’ll be cleared. But we can’t take the risk that it’s not her.” Mikasa sounded as calm as ever.

“If we don’t do anything, you’ll be the government’s scapegoat, Eren.” Armin finally looked at his friend.

“But...Suspecting Annie? What’s gotten into you guys?” Eren looked to each of you desperately.

“Eren...You fought her. Aren’t there things that come to mind? Did she display any technique that seemed to be unique to Annie?” Mikasa asked. It occurred to you that this was probably the best way to make Eren see the truth. Annie was highly proficient in hand to hand combat, surely she had used her techniques when fighting Eren. That should be enough to make him see, to make him realize what needed to be done.

Eren slumped back in his chair, not focusing on anything. He appeared lost in thought as Erwin continued with the plan. “We’ll need someone to stand in for Eren in the carriage. Eren needs to be with Mikasa and Armin, leading Annie to the underground passage. He needs to be able to transform in an area away from people, where the least amount of human lives will be lost.” He looked to Jean. “Kirstein, you’ll be standing in for Eren.”

“Me?! I should be ready to fight if I have to!” Jean protested.

“You look the most similar to him. Put a wig on, and no one will be able to tell the difference unless they get close.” Erwin insisted.

“You do have that same scowl on your face all the time, Jean.” you pointed out, nearly giggling. He shot you a look of disgust, but nodded. He would do whatever he had to.

“Everyone else will be lying in wait. On rooftops, among the people, wherever you can. You’ll have to hide your gear somehow if you’re among the citizens. We can place it in strategic locations around the city, so you’ll be able to reach it no matter where you’re stationed. Levi and I will be in a carriage close to Jean. With Levi’s injury, he’ll be unable to fight.”

“Tch,” Levi scowled. “I can fight if I have to.”

“No, Levi. I’ll need you with me. Once the Military Police realizes what’s going on, they may take action against me. I need you there.” Erwin looked to Armin. “Your job is the hardest. You’ll have to convince Annie to help you, Eren, and Mikasa escape the city. Do you think you can do it?”

Armin nodded. “I know I can. She’ll go along with it, and suspect nothing.”

\-----

The day of the operation found the Survey Corps nearly shaking with frantic, nervous energy. Armin had reported back that morning with the good news that Annie would “help” them. You were to be stationed near the carriage route, following them along on the rooftops, being certain to stay out of sight. You wore brown pants and a dark red shirt in an attempt to blend in with the colors of the rooftops, your gear strapped to you. You hoped you wouldn’t have to use your blades, although you ensured they were all sharpened and ready just to be safe.

Sasha seemed murderous when she was told who the suspected Female Titan was. She hadn’t forgotten the number of dead, or the fact that you had almost been killed. She sharpened her blades with a hunter’s precision, staring at her work with a ferocity that you had never seen. “Sasha?” You were almost timid.

“She’ll pay for this. She’ll pay for what she did, I swear.” Sasha muttered, slamming her blades into her gear with fury. She strapped her gear on methodically, slowly, her mind clearly racing. She jumped when you gently touched her shoulder. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe she’d do this.”

“We’ll have our answers when we capture her. Hopefully this will all go according to plan. It’s easy enough - restrain her, and she won’t have the opportunity to shift. We have to rely on the people who are going to capture her. You and I won’t even have to see a fight.” You smiled at your friend, trying to reassure her. She was shaking as she tied her hair up, and followed you out to the carriages.

You nearly missed Jean, forgetting that he would be in his Eren disguise. “Hmm, dark hair is a good look for you.” you teased him, ruffling his wig. He scowled as he readjusted it, and you laughed. “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry so much. It’s a good plan. Erwin is smart, he wouldn’t do this if he didn’t think it would work.”

“Listen to me. Be careful. I won’t be there to stop you from doing something stupid, so you’re going to have to keep yourself in check. I’m not losing you to her, too, do you understand?” Jean’s eyes were intense as he shook your shoulders. You nodded in agreement. “Promise me. Promise me you’ll keep your temper in check. I know you want to kill her, but you can’t. We need answers right now, not revenge.”

You scowled. “Fine. I won’t kill her. I’ll ask Erwin if I can do it after she’s captured.” Your voice was cold. You hadn’t forgotten all that you had lost, and you were determined to make her pay for it.

“Time to go.” Levi’s voice came from behind you. “Get in position. Kirstein, in the carriage, now.” He adjusted his cravat as he entered the frontmost carriage with Commander Erwin.

Jean was looking at you expectantly. “Okay, fine, I promise. I promise I won’t do anything stupid. I’ll be up on the rooftops, right beside you.” You gave him a quick kiss before following some of your comrades to an alleyway and flying to the rooftops.

“Stay out of sight as much as you can. Stay on the opposite side of the rooftops, and keep an eye on the caravan as you jump between buildings. Hopefully the hoofbeats and footsteps will mask the sounds of our gear. Jump one at a time, it’ll keep the sound from being too overwhelming.” Your squad leader issued commands tersely, and you all saluted. “Remember, this is an all or nothing mission. If this fails, there may not be a Survey Corps to come back to. Do not fail.”

“Sir.”

You followed the caravan through the streets, trying to be as quiet as a predatory cat. Your heart raced as you wondered whether Eren, Armin, and Mikasa had successfully led Annie to the underground. The more you thought about Annie, the more your temper flared. You pushed it aside, watching Jean’s carriage closely. His fate was directly linked with the success of this mission, just as yours was. As much as you wanted to run off and kill Annie before she had a chance to transform, you had to do your job.

The sound of an explosion and the unmistakable flash of lightning nearly made you fall from the roof. “Damn it!” you hissed. “Sir! What are your orders?”

“We wait for Erwin’s command!” your squad leader replied, looking down at the caravan. Erwin was stepping out of his carriage, Levi already beside him. Where was Jean? Had his disguise been figured out?

“Nile! You’ll want to send every soldier. Consider this a Titan incursion.” Erwin called to the commander of the Military Police calmly.

“This is Wall Sina! There are no Titans here!”

You scoffed. Clearly, all the citizens screaming about Titans were just a figment of everyone’s imagination, and not at all something to be concerned about. The Interior was in no way prepared for a Titan attack. They didn’t have any evacuation plans or knowledge like the outer districts did, so there would be panic in the streets. The Military Police would actually have to do something for once, while the Survey Corps took care of the real threat.

“I’m sick of this stupid disguise! Don’t ever call me Jaeger again, you moron!” Jean’s angry voice shouted. He had ripped off the wig, and was fastening his cloak as he rushed to Erwin. “Sir! I’m ready to follow your orders!”

“Get your gear from Squad 4. All soldiers who are capable of fighting will follow me! Prepare to rendezvous with the Titan capture squad!”


	31. Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stohess District is in ruins. Annie is rampaging through the streets, but Eren is nowhere to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...Have an extra long chapter due to my many months of absence? I don't know what happened, y'all, I just sort of like...Lost it, I guess. Didn't have any inspiration to write (even though I don't even have to come up with a plot!), just wasn't feeling it. I think I might be back in the game, though, so hopefully this won't happen again!

You ran breathlessly through the streets of the inner walls. Part of you marveled at the architecture. These people were so rich. How could these people come close to understanding what it meant to see any Titan, much less one like Annie? Another part of you was filled with rage. Women clad in expensive dresses, children with gold necklaces, men with silver pocketwatches and silk vests, they all fled in terror. Had you not joined the military, you would still be in Dauper, helping on the farm - the farms that fed these people. They had no idea how wonderful their lives were.

“Hey! Get it together!” Jean’s voice shouted next to you. You must have been snarling. “Save that anger for Annie!”

You nodded quickly, picking up your pace. “Something’s wrong, Jean! If Annie transformed, Eren should have been quick to follow. It’s been too long!” You stopped in your tracks, looking around to see if you could spot any lingering Titan smoke. Over a few tall buildings to your left, you saw some traces of grey in the air. “Over there!”

You didn’t hesitate to break away from your squad. Part of you knew it was stupid, and that you would probably pay for it later, but you also knew that something had to get done. Something had gone wrong with Eren. If even Mikasa couldn’t snap him out of it...She would be forced to leave and fight on the front lines. You hoped that you would find Eren still alive.

Jean landed in the wreckage a split second after you. “Armin! What happened?” You observed in abject horror. Eren was buried under a mound of rubble, seemingly unconscious.

“Annie! She transformed, she stomped into the tunnel and Eren got caught!” Armin’s voice was shaky, but determined. “We have to get him out!”

“Wasn’t the plan for him to turn into a Titan?” Jean’s voice was almost sarcastic. You rolled your eyes at him.

“I think he hesitated because-”

“Because he knew it was Annie,” you finished for him. You nodded. “I get it. I do. But…” You stepped towards Eren, pushing some rubble out of the way. “Get it together, Jaeger!” you shouted directly in his face.

Jean shoved you away. “Eren! Didn’t I tell you once that we were all relying on you? We were going to put the world, humanity, my life…” He looked over at you fiercely. “HER life! All of it was in your hands! THIS is what we get in return for that?” He looked down. “Marco, too. Marco’s life-”

You were interrupted when a large block of stone flew in your direction. You grabbed Armin’s cloak and pulled with all your might, but the blowback still sent you both flying. Armin landed painfully on his side, and you crashed into him. “Sorry!” You got up and held a hand out to him.

“It’s too late. We have to do something about her!” Jean shouted.

“But Eren!” You looked back at him, buried further in stone. Annie was rampaging - you could hear the stomps, the screams, the sounds of buildings being utterly destroyed. “Armin! Follow our lead when you can!”

You caught up with Jean quickly. “We have to get around her! Distract her if we can, try to get her to Hange!” You nodded at Jean’s instructions. The pair of you darted through the streets, avoiding taking flight until you were in a good position.

“Hey! Listen!” You stopped, listening closely. “It’s Armin!” You heard Armin shouting at Annie. “He’s going to get himself killed!”

“Tch,” Jean made a sound through his teeth that sounded remarkably like Captain Levi. “Let’s go, while she’s distracted. Maybe we can take her down! Don’t follow me when I go in.”

“Bullshit, Jean! I’m not just going to stand there while you risk your life! I can help!”

Annie turned to face Armin, and you beat Jean to the punch by a split second. Annie used her hardening ability and you nearly fell out of the sky from the force of your blades breaking in half. “This way!”

You and Armin followed Jean’s shouts, going as fast as you could to escape Annie. You looked over at Hange as you passed, a grin on your face. Wires exploded from barrels on the ground, in nooks on the side of buildings. You, Jean, and Armin barely escaped Annie’s grasp as she reached out in desperation. A wire net was tossed from the top of a building, smothering Annie in hooks and sharp edges. You landed next to Jean, who put a protective arm around you as he led you away from your former comrade.

You spotted Mikasa standing with some of the guard. She looked to Armin, who gave the slightest shake of his head. Mikasa, ever stoic, merely turned away. You watched as Hange held a blade to Annie’s eye. Hange was ever so theatrical. You guessed that there were threats of torture or some other violence. It was no less than Annie deserved.  
Just as you were about to speak to Jean, a loud noise grabbed your attention. It was only thanks to your training that you immediately took to the air, landing next to Mikasa on a rooftop. “She broke free?!”

“Damn it. Not enough traps.” Hange muttered. “Go after her! We can’t let her escape!”

You didn’t even bother saluting as you darted away. A flash of lightning, now so familiar, and the loud crack of thunder that accompanied it pulled you back. You stood next to Armin, Jean, and Hange. “Eren!”

Eren’s bestial form ran through the streets. Annie barely had time to react, and her body crushed a building from the force of Eren’s punch. “He did it!” You wanted to jump for joy, but refrained from showing such un-soldier-like behavior.

“It won’t be enough,” Armin said simply, his usual optimism gone from his voice. “Fighting spirit isn’t going to be enough.”

“Then we’ll have to help him,” you replied firmly. “This is our only chance!”

“Squad Leader Hange! She’s heading for flat land! Our gear will be useless!” A panicked-sounding soldier landed in front of you.

“Split up! Cut her off!” Hange ordered. Everyone went in different directions in an attempt to surround her. Once she made it to flat land, you perched on a rooftop. Jean, Armin, and Hange soon caught up to you.

Eren and Annie grappled and fought. All you could do was stand and watch. It was too dangerous to try to help. There was no way to escape without your gear. Eren was absolutely feral. Even his Titan form looked different, orange and fiery. He ran on all fours to catch Annie, and wrestled her to the ground. Mikasa tried to go to him, but Hange held her back.

Annie pulled away just enough to run, and launched herself at the wall. “Shit! She’s trying to escape!” Jean let out a string of curses, and you followed suit, panicking.

“Squad Leader!” Your voice seemed to be begging for orders, but Hange seemed just as panicked as you were. Mikasa’s eyes narrowed as she ran. She seemed to be faster than the wind. You watched as Annie kicked Eren away from her, and he took a piece of her leg with him. She continued to climb, and you saw Mikasa speeding through the air. On one pass, she sliced Annie’s right hand at the knuckle. She made a quick turn, and followed suit with the left hand. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion as Annie’s body fell to the ground.

You breathed a sigh of relief, only to let out a shrill scream when Eren leapt on Annie’s motionless form. He ripped the skin away from her neck, and you could barely make out Annie’s human body inside. She looked...Almost peaceful. Your eyes widened. How could she look like that, after everything she had done? She had murdered what seemed like half of the Survey Corps. Who knows how many bodies now lay lifeless in Stohess? Yet she just looked...Asleep.

A bright light shocked you out of your thoughts. It was coming from Eren and Annie. “What’s happening?” You yelled at Jean.

“They’re...They’re merging?!”

Eren’s screams filled the air, and you winced at the sound. You saw Mikasa move towards Eren, but a flash of green sliced at the nape of Eren’s neck, revealing his human form.

\-----

After the smoke had cleared, Mikasa held Eren against her as she examined the red burns on his face. Levi, Hange, and Armin were all near, and Erwin Smith had caught up to you as well. As for Annie...All that remained of her was her sleeping form, encased in crystal.

Jean growled, and ran to her, despite you calling after him. He began to stab fiercely at the crystal, his blade breaking a little more with every hit. “Annie! Come out of there! After all of this, you get to sleep? I don’t think so! Get out of there so we can settle this! Do you know how many people you killed? And...Marco! What about Marco?!”

Tears welled up in your eyes and you ran to him, wrapping your arms around him from behind, just as you had done on a rainy night that seemed forever ago. “Jean,” you whispered. “Please.”

His hand lowered and touched yours, resting on his stomach. He was shaking. Or was it you that was shaking? His cloak was wet with your tears, and he gripped your hand tightly. “It won’t do any good.” Captain Levi’s voice came from behind you. You pulled away from Jean, still gripping his hand.

\-----

You found yourself in Eren’s room, with Mikasa, Armin, and Jean. Eren had woken up, the burns gone from his face. “Is Annie still crystallized?” he asked simply.

“Yeah,” you sighed. “I guess...I guess we won’t know anything until she’s out.”

“Damn it. After all of that, we end up with nothing?” Jean’s voice was hollow and sad.

“Eren let her go. You hesitated. You couldn’t…” Armin trailed off.

“Yeah. When I saw her, I...I couldn’t do it. I failed.” Eren looked down, unable to meet anyone’s eyes.

“Armin Arlert. Jean Kirstein. (F/N) (L/N). You’re wanted for questioning.” A member of the Military Police gave the order and walked away. The Military Police weren’t happy with anyone from the Survey Corps at the moment. Everyone was under investigation, everyone was being questioned about their knowledge and involvement. You refused to be intimidated by people who clearly had the skill to fight Titans, but chose to live in safety and prosperity instead.

The three of you walked down the halls. “‘To defeat the monsters, you have to discard your humanity.’ Is that what you said to Eren? Do you really believe that?” Jean asked Armin as you strode along.

“It’s one way to win. I think Eren can do that.” Armin replied wistfully.

You looked at Jean, knowing that his brain was going at a million miles a second. Despite his cold exterior, he was a good man. He really believed in the strength of humanity. He believed that humankind could win. You...Well, you agreed with Armin in a way. In order to defeat something, maybe you had to become that something. In Eren’s case, it was literal. What would it mean for you? You didn’t have any special powers. You didn’t even technically make the top ten. You were just a girl who refused to submit to a life of farming, so you joined the military. You didn’t expect to get wrapped up in anything like this. You thought that you would join the Survey Corps, slaughter Titans, take back Wall Maria, and try to find a way to live outside of the walls. You didn’t expect to unearth a traitor.

“If we turn into the monsters...Is that really a victory for humanity?”


	32. Reveal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While you and Jean are sitting cozily in the interior, you panic not knowing where your friends are. Commanders Erwin and Pixis issue an order when word arrives that Wall Rose has been breached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A new chapter?! Apologies for my absence, writing just wasn't coming to me for a long time there. With the season 2 premiere of Attack on Titan, I suddenly got the itch again, and just...Started. That's how it always happens, isn't it?

“I can’t stand this!” you shrieked, pacing around the room. “Our comrades are out there, and we’re stuck here! Why?!”

“Calm down, all this means is that Erwin knows you’re not a Titan,” Jean’s calm voice came from the chair he was lounging in. “Erwin values your mind, so don’t lose it, okay?”

You grit your teeth and flopped into a chair. Most of the 104th had been sent out, for what reason you didn’t know. Jean theorized it was because you were one of the few who had figured out who the Female Titan was. After all, the only ones left behind were you, Jean, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. Captain Levi was still injured, but he put the five of you through your paces while training.

Earlier that morning, Captain Levi had taken Eren, Mikasa, Armin, and Squad Leader Hange out to investigate the breach in Wall Rose. Meanwhile, you and Jean sat like useless Military Police, awaiting Commander Erwin’s orders. Other members of the Survey Corps remained behind as well, as a backup force for whatever could end up happening.

Everything was in shambles. The Wallists continued their screeching about worshipping the walls, while the elite in the interior side-eyed anyone wearing the wings of freedom on their uniforms. You had taken to staying inside most of the time after you nearly lost your temper at a man who taunted you. Well, it wasn’t really your decision - Commander Pixis and Commander Erwin locked you in a cell for two days to teach you a lesson.

A knock on the door had both you and Jean on your feet. Commander Erwin let himself in, and you stood straight and saluted, right fist pounding against your chest painfully. “Kirstein. (L/N). We’re heading out. We’ve managed to get the government to send some MPs to assist us and the Garrison in securing the breach in Wall Rose. Collect your gear and horses, we leave in an hour.”

“Yes, sir!” Your heart jumped into your throat and adrenaline coursed through you, happy to finally have something to do. You fastened your cloak and secured your gear, tossing Jean’s water canteen to him. “Fill up. Let’s go.”

“That excited to fight a Titan again?” Jean sighed. The constant battling had taken its toll on Jean. He seemed perfectly content to sit in safety and wait for orders, while you itched for battle.

“Why did you even join the Survey Corps, then?” you fired back. “You knew what you were in for. Hell, you’re made for it. We’ve outlived veterans at this point. You think that was dumb luck?”

“Maybe. I’m just not willing to throw my life away for nothing.” He paused, looking contemplative. “Do you really think whatever we find in Eren’s basement is going to be worth it?”

“Eren’s basement…?” In all the chaos, you had completely forgotten about the possible secrets in Shiganshina. You still fumed at Annie’s traitorous actions. She was being kept underground, still encased in crystal. If only you could have answers…

“Hundreds of people have already died. Maybe thousands by now. All for what?”

“HOPE! Do you want to live in this cage forever? Don’t you want to see the outside? Or even have an acceptable reason for why we’re stuck here?” You slammed your belongings into your bag as you screamed.

“The Titans aren’t reason enough? Have you already forgotten what we’ve seen?” Jean was getting heated now, his voice getting louder.

“Of course I haven’t forgotten! I’m not an idiot, Jean! I know what’s at stake here. My life. Yours. Everyone in the 104th. Everyone in the goddamn world, for all we know! I don’t even know where my best friend is right now! Is she dead? Is she out there fighting? All I give a shit about is surviving and taking the world back!”

Jean chuckled. “Well, that’s a step forward. At least now you’re not a suicidal idiot.” He approached you and patted your head gently. “Look. Of course I’m curious. Even I have to admit that Eren and Armin have made me wonder what’s outside these walls. But I’ve also been out there. So have you. We both know what’s out there. Just...Be careful and don’t let that temper of yours kill you.”

You couldn’t help but smile. Despite the years of training and your stupid rivalry with Jean Kirstein, he had a way of calming you now. You had shared many evenings together talking about the outside world, mourning your comrades, talking about your lives. He missed his mother, just as you missed your family, but you had both enlisted in the military to try to make a better life, for your families, for yourselves, and for the future.

\-----

When you reached Trost, everything seemed oddly calm. You and Jean hitched your horses and sat nearby, awaiting orders. Commanders Erwin and Pixis had scaled the wall to report, leaving you behind with your fellow Survey Corps and the cowardly Military Police. “I wonder if they’re alive,” Jean mused quietly.

“Of course they are! You think our friends would give up so easily?” you snapped back.

“Calm down, for god’s sake. I was just wondering.”

“You’re such a goddamn pessimist,” you practically pouted as you stood.

“He’s a realist,” Captain Levi said as he approached.

“Hey, Captain! Why aren’t there any Titans?” a member of the Military Police asked.

“You look awfully disappointed. There’s plenty of opportunity to fight them outside the walls.” the captain replied in his usual stoic manner. “Why don’t we join forces and fight them together?”

“Well...Um…” the MP stammered. “We have work on the inside, too, you know...This is just a special occasion…”

“Cowards,” you muttered under your breath. Jean put a hand on your shoulder and smirked at you knowingly. You sighed and turned away from the Military Police.

“The advance party is back!” a soldier shouted as he ran towards you. You and Jean leapt up in unison just as Commander Erwin flew to your side. A pair of soldiers stopped in front of you, breathless.

“Report, soldiers!” Pixis commanded.

“We found no holes or breaches in the walls, sir!” one of them panted, falling to his knees.

“But...But the situation is now an emergency!” the other shouted.

You exchanged a look with Jean. He looked exasperated with a hint of worry. You were sure there was a fire in your eyes under your worried brow. _Please don’t tell me they’ve all been lost. Please don’t tell me I’ll never see Sasha again._

“We encountered a group led by Squad Commander Hange! There was a number of unequipped members of the 104th with them, sir!” The man paused for breath. “But...But among them, three of them were TITANS, sir!”

Jean took a step forward. “What?! Are you telling me there were three MORE Titans on that team?! Who were they?!” The soldier didn’t respond. “WHO?!” Jean took another step towards the soldier. You grabbed him just as Commander Erwin put a hand on his shoulder.

“Jean, wait,” he said in that calm, commanding voice. He turned to the soldier. “What happened?”

“The Survey Corps engaged the Colossal and Armored Titans in battle! By the time we joined in...The battle...The battle was over!”

Your heart fell. _Sasha...Mikasa...Connie...Everyone...Please, please be okay._

Commander Erwin was quick to issue orders. “Get the lifts ready! We’ll take our horses and assess the situation! All soldiers, with me!”

\-----

It took all of your willpower to not ride ahead of Commander Erwin. Your heart was racing, and your breaths came in quick, shallow spurts. Who were they? Who were the Colossal and the Armored? It pained you to think that the two Titans who created the chaos and took Wall Maria were people that you had spent years with. You sparred them. You could have saved them in the battle for Trost, or the search for the Female Titan. All the while, they knew. They fought, but they knew that they were the cause of it. Why would they join the Survey Corps? Surely they would have more chance to wreak even more destruction closer to the walls, in the Garrison. Unless this was their plan all along...Unless they already knew Eren was a Titan, even before Eren himself. Did they hate themselves so much that they would kill all of humanity? Were they under order from someone else, or acting alone? Was this a government plan? You had harbored a deep distrust of the government ever since the first mission to retake Wall Maria, when tens of thousands of people were killed, and Pixis revealed that part of that plan was to cull the population.

You halted near a small group of soldiers. Many of them lay on the ground - injured or dead, you weren’t sure. Your eyes scanned frantically for Sasha among the standing soldiers, but you didn’t see her. When you dismounted, you ran to Armin, who was next to an obviously injured Mikasa. “Armin! Where’s Sasha? Where is she?!” you shouted frantically, grabbing him by the shirt.

“She’s...She’s over there.” He pointed towards the injured. “She’s hurt, but she’ll be okay.”

You checked over her quickly. She seemed to have some injuries, but none severe. She was sleeping with her mouth open, and you couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight. You pressed your fingers to your lips, then to her forehead, brushing a strand of hair aside. “I’m so glad you’ll be okay, Sasha,” you murmured.

A hand on your shoulder got your attention. “Come on. Erwin’s going over what happened.” Jean’s expression was blank, a far off look in his eyes. “It was Reiner and Bertholt. They’re the Armored and the Colossal. Those bastards…”

“Reiner? Bertholt? Are you...You must be joking. Reiner was the perfect soldier! I...I had no idea he…”

An image flashed through your mind. Reiner, saving Armin from the Female Titan. Reiner, cutting her fingers off and running as Annie ran in the opposite direction. Reiner, insistently helping Eren train in hand to hand combat. And all this time, he knew he was part of the reason Eren was so fired up to fight and kill Titans.

You and your comrades gathered around Commander Erwin, when Hange suddenly gasped and grabbed Erwin by the ankle. “The map!”

You quickly handed Hange a map, where Hange marked a small forest. “Here. The Titan forest. It’s small, but the perfect place for them to hide. They’ll want to take Eren and Ymir outside of Wall Maria, but other Titans will still be a threat to them...Until night, when the Titans can’t move.”

“We still have a chance! Soldiers, we leave immediately for the Titan forest! We must rescue Eren at all costs!”


	33. Retrieval

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You ride out with your fellow soldiers in an attempt to rescue Eren. You clash with Jean a bit over his response to the traitors, and adrenaline rushes as you lead the chase.

You rode at the fastest pace you could, the sound of hoofbeats piercing the air. You made sure to stay close to your fellow 104th soldiers - not necessarily out of a sense of preservation, but because you had gone without seeing them for what seemed an eternity. You dared Reiner and Bertholt to try anything now. The fire was lit under you, and you saw a similar determination in Mikasa’s eyes. Armin and Jean were surely working overtime in their heads, strategizing and thinking of possible outcomes. They always looked to the future, and in Armin’s case, the best way to get from point A to point B. Connie, however, looked shaken.

“Connie! Get with it! Sasha will be fine!”

“Shut up!” Connie shouted back through his clenched jaw. “You have no idea...You don’t even know what’s happened!”

You ignored it for the moment. You’d get answers later. Right now, Eren was the priority.

For Krista, though...She was devastated at the loss of Ymir. From what you had gathered, Ymir was also a Titan shifter, but not one with humanity’s destruction in mind. You would let Krista be Krista for now, but you WOULD get your answers.

A loud crack and flash of light got your attention. “A Titan transformation!” Mindless Titans roamed around you, and while the Survey Corps evaded them with relative ease, the Garrison soldiers were not so experienced. You watched as one got plucked from his horse and into the mouth of a ten meter Titan.

“Tch...Another Garrison soldier,” Jean sounded angry. Whether it was from the Titan eating yet another soldier or the fact that the inexperienced Garrison was out in the first place, you didn’t know. He picked up speed and rode beside you, as you watched a few Garrison soldiers ready their weapons. “They’re going to try to break off and get revenge.”

“They’d better not. We’re under Erwin’s command, all of us now.” You saw one soldier take his feet out of the stirrups, ready to stand. “Hey! Soldier! Get down, you idiot! This is NOT our priority!”

“Eren is our priority! We’re not here to engage the enemy! This is a rescue mission only!” Commander Erwin’s loud, booming voice echoed through the open field. “All troops, deploy!”

You leapt up and engaged your gear, flying towards the trees. Mikasa, Armin, and a blonde-haired Garrison soldier were ahead of you. “Eren!” Mikasa yelled with all her strength.

A Titan yell distracted you as you landed on the branch of a tree. “Cut it down!” you yelled.

“WAIT! That’s Ymir! They took her, too!” Connie shouted as he flew past you, landing on a tree next to Ymir’s small Titan form. Everyone waited nearby. “Hey! Ymir! Why are you by yourself? Where’s Eren? Reiner, Bertholt?” Connie asked. Ymir said nothing, but looked around at all of you. “Say something, ugly! We’re kind of in a hurry here!”

Suddenly, Ymir launched herself away from the tree. You whipped your head around to follow, and saw her grab Krista...No, she ATE Krista…

“FOLLOW HER!” you shouted. She was fast and agile, jumping from tree to tree.

“Like I ever assumed she was on our side anyway!” Jean shouted to himself, flying past you. He was a master of the maneuvering gear, no one except Mikasa even came close. You tried not to lag behind.

“Wait! This is a trap! She’s trying to lure us in!” Armin called.

Sure enough, another crack and flash of light made all of you stop in the branches. The Armored Titan stood tall, and Ymir hopped on his back, where you could see the small figures of Bertholt and Eren standing on his shoulder.  _ Reiner...Just you wait, you big dumb bastard. You won’t get away from me. I’ll kill you just like I’ll kill Annie. You’re not taking Eren away from us. _

Titans began to gather around you as Reiner ran. “All troops! I don’t care if there are Titans on your tail! Follow the Armored! We retrieve Eren at any cost!”

You set up on your horse again, sheathing your blades and immediately urging your horse into a gallop. “They’re not going too fast! We can catch up to them!” Jean shouted.

“If Reiner shed his armor, he could go faster...As it is, if we catch up there’s nothing we can do!” Armin, ever the realist, pointed out.

“I don’t care. I’ll kill them. I’ll kill Ymir if she gets in my way. I won’t hesitate this time. They’re dead.” Mikasa said, her eyes narrow and full of strength.

“Jesus. Remind me to never piss her off,” you said under your breath. Jean smirked beside you.

You caught up to them quickly, and Mikasa immediately launched herself at them. Ymir grabbed another soldier from the air and threw him, and you growled as you set your eye on Reiner and landed on his back, just barely dodging his hand that came up to protect Bertholt and Eren’s human forms. You could hear Bertholt yelling at Eren, telling him to calm down.  _ Good luck with that, big guy. He’s the only person I know more stubborn than me. _

“Nice try, Bertholt! You think he’s gonna stop fighting you?” you taunted loudly.

“He’s loud and hopeless!” Jean shouted. “We can deal with him together, just come out!”

“Give him back!” Mikasa shouted, stabbing a broken blade fruitlessly into Reiner’s hand.

“Bertholt! Bertholt, tell me it isn’t true!” Connie pleaded. “You weren’t deceiving us all this time! It can’t be true!”

“You can’t do this! You can’t just run away! Three years ago, we were in training together! You used to make bad sleeping positions into an art form! We would laugh about it every morning...But now...I can’t believe you could sleep next to the victims of what you’ve done!” Jean started off sounding sad and nostalgic, but narrowed his eyes and shouted his last words angrily.

“Was all of it a lie? Everything you said...How we’d take back the wall and grow to be old men? What were you thinking? Tell me!” Connie’s voice cracked.

You felt like your chest was about to explode. How could they do this? How could they sympathize with these two monsters? Connie, you could understand. He was more emotional. But Jean...Your Jean, who was so determined to get Annie out of that crystal, who was horrified at her traitorous actions, how could he sympathize with the two people responsible for all the death and destruction you had faced in the past six years? “You idiots!” you shouted. “You think they care? They culled the population, and for what? They lied to us for years!”

“None of that matters right now,” Mikasa said, unnaturally calm. “Just focus on killing them. If you don’t, we’ll never get Eren back.”

“They were our friends!” Connie shouted at her.

“Shut up! They’re a threat to humanity! They don’t care! Just kill them!” you screamed, trying to cut off Reiner’s fingers.

“You think anyone wants to do that?! Do you think it was fun for us?” Bertholt’s panicked voice came from within his cocoon, louder than you’d ever heard him before. “It wasn’t all a lie! We thought of you as friends! We have no right to apologize...But we thought of you as our friends!”

You all stood in shocked silence. “Bertholt...Just give Eren back.” Mikasa was calm and quiet.

“I can’t do that. Someone has to...Someone has to get blood on their hands.”

“ALL OF YOU, GET AWAY FROM THERE!” You jumped at the loud voice. “Erwin’s coming, and he’s got Titans with him!”


	34. Last Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Commander Erwin leads what seems to be a suicidal mission to rescue Eren, and you finally see what hell is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say, when I get the bug, I get the bug. Three chapters in two days! By the end of this one, you'll be praying I continue at this pace. =P

Your head shot up, and in the distance you saw a horde of Titans chasing a small group of soldiers. “What the hell is the commander thinking?” you screeched.

“He’s going to try to make the Titans attack Reiner! We have to go!” Armin yelled.

“But what about Eren?!”

“Forget Eren! Now!” Jean grabbed you and whirled you around onto his back. It surprised you how easily he carried your weight as he jumped off of Reiner, aiming his gear at a nearby tree and landing softly on the ground.

“Goddammit, Jean! This entire mission is to rescue Eren! If we leave now, what was the point?” you screamed in his face.

“If we die here, we won’t ever be able to save Eren! We wait for orders, like we always do! Don’t go off on your own, don’t be stupid!” Jean shouted right back at you. “You’re upset, I get it, deal with it later! Right now, we’re soldiers following orders, do you understand?”

“Don’t you dare get that tone with me-”

“All units, scatter! Get away from the Titans!” Erwin yelled. You let out a harsh breath and threw a leg over to mount your horse. You weren’t happy about it, but you rode away with the rest of the surviving soldiers. When you were a safe distance away, you watched as the mindless Titans swarmed Reiner. Ymir was fighting, biting off the necks of them.

“What’s going on?” Jean asked quietly. He looked pensive and hurt. His expression gave away the feelings he wouldn’t say. You knew that he was, despite all his faults, a good man. He wanted humanity to survive, but he wasn’t as brutal as you, Mikasa, or even Armin. He cared deeply about the sacrifices that were required, whereas you thought most about the quickest way to get the job done, damn the consequences.

“Commander!” you called desperately. Jean was right - you were a soldier, and you wouldn’t disobey direct orders. But standing here, watching what was happening...It was too much, and you wanted to do SOMETHING, even if that something meant running away.

“Charge!” Erwin yelled, making you jump. Most of the soldiers looked at him in confusion. “Go now! We cannot lose Eren Jaeger! Take him back and retreat!”

“Tch...This shit again.” Jean shook his head. “Well, let’s go, warrior princess.” You nodded at him, and rode out with the Survey Corps, screaming your lungs out. You noticed several of the Garrison and Military Police looking at you all like you were insane.  _ Maybe this is where the Survey Corps gets its reputation. _

As you approached, you saw Reiner’s hand slip, letting Bertholt and Eren go. “This is it!” Mikasa shouted. “Now’s our chance!”

“Are you crazy, Mikasa?! Look at all those Titans!” Jean responded. “How are you even going to get to him?”

“I’ll help her.” you said sternly. You and Mikasa exchanged a look of determination.

“Advance!” Erwin held his arm high, leading the charge. Suddenly, he wasn’t there.

“Commander!!” you shouted, turning your head. You saw a Erwin falling from a Titan’s mouth, bleeding profusely from his shoulder. You began to turn to help him.

“Advance!” he repeated, even louder than before. “Eren’s right there! Go!”

You decided to leave Commander Erwin to the care of the Garrison and Military Police that were lagging behind, and rode forward. Mikasa charged ahead of you, and you weaved between the feet of Titans, watching as some soldiers were crushed or grabbed. Adrenaline coursed through you as you removed one hand from the reins to lock in a blade.

“Mikasa!!” you heard Jean’s panicked shout. Looking up, you saw Mikasa in the grasp of a Titan, struggling. Jean launched himself up, aiming for the face of the beast.

“Jean! What the hell are you doing?!” You leapt into the air and swung around, blades at the ready. As Jean put his fist square into the eye of the Titan, you sliced two long gashes into the nape of the neck. Mikasa wriggled out of the Titan’s grasp and quickly flew out of sight.

You landed on the ground in front of Jean, who was wiping blood from his arm with his cloak. You took a step forward and punched him in the jaw. “What the fuck was that, you idiot?! Aiming for the face?! That’s a little too close to a Titan’s mouth!” You slammed your fists into his chest repeatedly. “Don’t fucking do that! Don’t...Don’t scare me like that! What if I hadn’t been there, huh? Do you think that would have been enough to save Mikasa? Or to not get eaten yourself? Don’t...Don’t LEAVE me like that!”

Your horses returned to you faithfully, and you hopped on, Jean following suit. “Hey, I’m...I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking-”

“Clearly! You tell me not to go off on my own, and then you do that?!” You shook your head. “We can fight later, assuming we’re still alive.”

“RETREAT!” Commander Erwin’s voice, in the distance. “Retreat, now!”

You pulled the reins and began to ride back to the forest. And suddenly...The landscape turned hellish.

A Titan landed hard on the ground in front of you, the force of it almost pushing you off your horse. “What the hell?!”

Jean turned and looked back. “Fucking Reiner...He’s throwing Titans at us!”

“Mikasa and Eren are still in there!” Armin’s panicked shriek got your attention.

“Let’s go! The mission is to rescue Eren at any cost! We’re still under orders!” You took control and rode ahead, Jean and Armin close behind.  _ If Eren gets eaten...This is all over. He’s too important to lose. _

You were close to Mikasa and Eren. You could see them lying helpless in front of a Titan with a wide, terrifying smile. Armin shouted something, and you were blown from your horse. You got up immediately, and saw Armin lying a few feet away from you. “Armin! Armin, get up!” You pulled him to his feet and looked around, panicking. “Jean...Where’s Jean?!”

You shouted his name, when you saw a figure lying near the trees, unmoving. “No...No! Jean!” You ran to him, Armin close behind. “Oh my god, oh my god,” you repeated as you rolled him over. “Jean! Jean Kirstein, wake up! I am not going to have our last conversation be a fight, do you understand me?! Get up!” You sobbed as Armin examined him.

“He’s still breathing! He’s unconscious, but he’s breathing, he’ll be okay! Let’s get our horses and-”

A shadow fell over you as a Titan, seven or eight meters at least, began to approach. You looked behind you at Armin, tending Jean’s wounds. “Armin. Take care of Jean.” You clicked your blades together and faced the Titan. Your feet were planted firmly on the ground, and you held your swords at your sides, shoulders back and head held high in defiance.

_ If this is how it has to be...At least he can make it. Armin’s smart. He can get through this. All I have are these blades...My last two. Jean knows. He has to know that I love him. If this is the proving act, then so be it! _

Memories flashed through your mind. Grabbing Jean and calling him a coward early in training. Sparring with him angrily. His relentless, cocksure attitude all throughout training. And then...A softness. The battle of Trost, humanity’s first victory against the Titans, where you had both lost so much. Working side by side with Jean to secure headquarters. Rescuing him in the chaotic streets of the city. The funeral...Marco. Marco would be waiting for you, that assured and comforting smile on his face.

You let out a feral yell and launched yourself upward at the Titan.


	35. Once Upon A Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't remember what happened. The last thing you remember was flying towards a Titan that was threatening Jean. Someone comes to you in your dreams, and tries to give you a clue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it's not too much of a cliffhanger if it's updated again the same day. <3 Love you guys, thanks for reading!

_ You floated through the air, high above a city. You grasped your hands around...Nothing? No gear. You panicked for a moment, convinced you were going to fall, but you didn’t. You flew like a bird through a clear blue sky. Children wandered the streets, laughing and running. A little girl and boy looked up at you - siblings, you thought by the looks of them. The girl had long light brown hair and dark fiery eyes, while the boy’s hair was darker, and his eyes the color of honey. Someone called to them, and they turned around, smiling at...Jean? _

_ Without a doubt, it was Jean. He was older, his hair longer and not wearing the scowl he usually did. Beside him was...It was you. Again, older, but it was unmistakable. He hugged the children and picked the girl up, hoisting her onto his shoulders. What was this? _

_ “Hey, it’s you.” _

_ You looked over and saw Marco, his freckled face beaming. “What’s going on?” _

_ “I always knew you and Jean would work it out.” Marco replied, smiling. “Cute kids, too.” _

_ “No, I...I was fighting a Titan. Jean was hurt...Wait. Am I dead?” _

_ “You’re here, aren’t you?” _

_ “That’s not an answer, Marco.” _

_ Suddenly, a loud crash. The sound had drilled itself into your subconscious by now - a Titan transformation. The Colossal Titan appeared on the other side of the wall, skinless face towering above. Chaos began in the streets below, as Jean rushed Future You and the children away. The boy was crying, clutching to Jean’s sleeve. Debris flew through the air as the Colossal...No, as Bertholt kicked in the wall. _

_ Everything seemed to move in slow motion. “This isn’t a prophecy or anything, just so you know. It’s a possibility.” Marco said sagely. “Reiner and Bertholt aren’t dead yet. They could still get their hands on Eren. Krista...Well, she’ll play a big part. Or she can, at least.” _

_ “You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know, Marco! You think I don’t know that this could happen? My worst nightmare? I didn’t have to live through Shiganshina! This...This must be what Eren, Mikasa, and Armin saw…” _

_ Marco nodded. “Do you understand now? This is important. You have to remember. You have to fight.” _

_ Marco disappeared, and things moved in a flash. The rocks flew through the city, crushing the helpless citizens. Garrison soldiers were swept from the top of the wall by the Colossal Titan’s arm. You heard a shriek, and looked down to see several huge rocks flying towards Jean. You screamed. _

“You’re okay! Shh, shh, you’re okay! Don’t move too much, stop flailing - Ow!”

You sat up straight, breathing heavily. Connie sat across from you, rubbing his shoulder. “Connie! Connie, where are we? What happened? Where’s Jean?!”

“I’m right here,” Jean hurried to you, wiping blood from his face with a cloth. “I’m okay. A little bruised, but okay.”

You flung yourself at him, ignoring the stabbing pain in your side. “I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have fought with you, not in the middle of a battle like that, I thought you were dead,” you rambled almost incoherently.

“It’s okay. Shh. It’s okay, we’re both fine, we’re both alive.” Jean rubbed your back soothingly, carefully avoiding your bruises. “What did you do?”

“I...I tried to fight a Titan. I don’t know what happened…”

“You were insane. You tried to get to it, but it grabbed you. It was about to eat you, but then Eren…” Armin trailed off, and shook his head. “Anyway, the Titan dropped you. You fell through some trees and were unconscious. Connie picked you up and rode with you back here.”

“Connie...Thanks.”

He waved you off. “Do you know how pissed Sasha would be at me if I didn’t help her best friend?” he joked. “Could have gone without you hitting me, though.”

“Sorry about that. I was...I was having this dream, I guess. I don’t know. It was weird...Marco was there.”

Jean inhaled sharply, when a shout from a few meters away got your attention. “Commander! Can you hear me?!”

“Commander Erwin!” You watched as a cart came and took the commander and several other heavily injured away. Eren looked upset.

“I got captured again. How many people died this time...Because of me?” he pondered quietly.

“We left with about a hundred, including the Military Police...Most of whom got eaten on the way. I don’t remember much, but...There are probably only about forty of us left. Out of that, only half are up and walking around.” Jean said in a matter-of-fact tone. He didn’t look angry, or even disappointed.

“We didn’t take any losses coming back here. All of the Titans started...Started eating Reiner. That was because of you, wasn’t it, Eren?” Armin, always so observant.

“The Female Titan could do that, too. She would yell and the Titans came running to her.” You remembered that deathly howl in the forest and shuddered.

“Eren. You don’t want to hear this, but we lost 60% of our soldiers on this mission to get you back. Mikasa’s ribs got smashed, the commander’s arm got eaten. Your friend Hannes died. I still don’t know if you’re worth that cost...But it’s really up to you now, isn’t it?” Jean again, didn’t sound angry, disappointed, or cold, despite his harsh words. 

“Jean, that’s...That’s not fair,” you said quietly. “He didn’t ask for this. It’s a burden for him, too…” You didn’t want to fight with Jean about this, and could even see his point. Part of what you loved about him was how he could see and assess the situation. How he cared so much about the lives lost. You saw a bigger picture, one of humanity outside of its cage, and saw Eren as a tool to get there.

“Thanks, Jean.” Eren smiled, shocking you all. “Thanks to you, I don’t have to hesitate anymore. I’ll do this. I’ll seal the hole in Wall Maria, I’ll control the Titans. I’ll kill Reiner and Bertholt. I’ll make them pay. That’s the only way I can...The only way I can make sure those lives weren’t lost for nothing.”

“Mmf…” Krista walked up to you, groaning slightly and hobbling. You remembered what Marco had said in your dream, that Krista played a role in all of this as well. What role could she play…? Sure, she ranked in the top ten, but just barely. Was she a shifter, too?

“Krista, no, you should sit down-” Armin began, putting a hand on Krista’s shoulder.

“No. My name isn’t Krista.” she stood tall and looked at all of you. You cocked your head in confusion. “I’m Historia.” She stepped to Eren and grabbed his collar. “Eren! We have to save Ymir! You can use your Titan powers! Let’s go to the other side of the wall!”

“Krista! You should sit-”

She collapsed to her knees in front of you. “Why...Why did she leave me? She said we’d live for ourselves, together...I’ll never forgive her…”

“Krista...This isn’t like you,” Jean said. “What’s wrong?”

Krista let out a loud, horrifying laugh. “Krista?! No...Krista’s gone. I won’t play that role anymore.”


	36. The New Squad Levi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've been assigned to Squad Levi, tasked with protecting Eren and Historia. Hange arrives with some horrible news from the interior, and everyone is on edge as you wait for a plan to form.

It didn’t take long for it to be decided. You were now part of Squad Levi, tasked with protecting Eren and Krista...Historia...Until further notice. Levi had taken Connie to the Commander to explain what he had seen in his village, leaving the rest of you to set up in a farmhouse far away from any sort of civilization. Eren, Mikasa, and Historia were still there, cleaning the place up to Captain Levi’s standards. You, Jean, Sasha, and Armin had gone to get supplies from the Survey Corps.

You sat next to Sasha in the back of the wagon. “I’m so glad you’re okay, Sasha, I was worried sick about you.”

“I know, you’ve said it a million times already. I’m fine! I spent a little time in Dauper...Saw my dad. Your parents say hello too.” She shifted uncomfortably. “It’s weird there now. It looks like a real town, not just a mess of houses scattered around. Even I have to admit it...Maybe it’s better that we gave up the old ways.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. We can’t go back now.” You said sadly. “We’re practically on the run now. The people hate us so much. They think everything is our fault.” You couldn’t believe it. As a child, you had adored the Survey Corps. You thought they were heroes, trying to retake the world for humanity, trying to escape the cage you lived in. You were so proud when you got your wings, but now people glared at you if they saw you in uniform. You hadn’t touched your uniform since the mission to save Eren, choosing instead to wear your civilian clothes. It felt strange to wear a skirt again after so long, and you found yourself feeling nearly naked without your heavy gear.

“It’s not our fault. They know that. They just want someone to blame.” Armin chimed in. “We can’t really be mad at them for that. It’s true that a lot has happened in the past few months. Trost, Stohess, rescuing Eren...And the Corps is in the middle of it all.”

“It’s still not our fault. They don’t know what it’s like.” Jean’s voice came from the front, where he was driving the wagon. “We’re here.”

“God, this is so far away from everything.” you moaned, hopping out of the wagon and grabbing a heavy crate. “What the hell is in this thing?”

“Probably potatoes,” Jean smirked. “Just give it to Sasha.”

“I have no idea what you could possibly mean,” Sasha held her head high and began walking. 

“I do. I wanted to fucking kill you that first day, Sash. Shadis nearly did!” You couldn’t help but laugh at the memory.

“Everything’s so expensive now...If we lose these supplies, we’ll starve to death.” Armin had quickly counted the crates and looked over the list, ever mindful of the situation at hand.

“Loosen up, Armin. Things are hard enough without thinking of every possibility.” You nudged Armin’s shoulder, and he managed a tight-lipped smile.

“Hey!! Get all that dirt and dust off of you before you come in here!” Eren shouted at all of you as you paraded into the house.

“Shut up, if we put the crates down outside to get the shit off of us, then the crates will be dirty. And then we’ll brush that off and get dirty again. It’s useless, Jaeger, give it up.” Jean set down the bags of flour he was carrying in the kitchen area and brushed the dust off of him. You could see Eren fuming.

“You really think Captain Levi is going to be okay with this?! We have to get this place spotless before he gets back! I had to make your BED this morning, do you know how fucking gross that is?!” Eren yelled.

“You’re not my mother, Jaeger!”

Eren turned to you with pleading eyes. “Can’t you do something about this?”

“I’m not his mother either, Eren. Keep me out of your pissing contest.” You put down the crate you were carrying, and took Sasha’s from her, stacking it on top.

“We’re back,” Mikasa and Historia entered the cabin, carrying axes and firewood.

“You shouldn’t be up and around like that, Mikasa!! You’re still injured!” Armin rushed over to her to examine her.

“I tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t listen to me. She says she’s all healed up. She was doing sit-ups this morning, too.” Eren sighed, adjusting the kerchief on his head.

“You were peeping on her?!” Jean yelled. He and Eren got into another one of their arguments, and you laughed.

“It almost feels like we’re back in training!” Sasha smiled as she removed something from a box and put it in her bag.

“It does...Wait a second, what did you just put in your bag?” you asked suspiciously, reaching for the bag at her waist. She pulled it away and clutched it protectively against her chest.

“Definitely not a piece of bread!” she exclaimed nervously.

“Sasha!!” You and Armin shouted in unison. Armin grabbed the bread from her bag and you all began arguing, more playfully than seriously. It was a moment of lightness that you hadn’t had in what felt like years. The tension flew from the room, and you let out the loudest laugh you had in a long time. Everyone stopped and looked at you.

“I...I’m sorry. It’s just...It feels so far away in this moment. We need more of this. We’re Squad Levi now, and yeah, our job is important, but...This is important too. This is what we’re fighting for, isn’t it?” you said meekly. The big, triumphant speeches weren’t your thing - that was usually Eren’s job. You were embarrassed at your outburst, but your friends looked at you warmly.

Jean stepped over and kissed your forehead. “Yeah. You’re right.” He looked over at Eren. “Gimme that broom. Let’s get this place clean.”

\-----

“You guys are all a bunch of lazy shits,” Levi critiqued as he ran his hand across the table. “I’ll teach you how to properly clean later. Right now, we have to decide on our next move.”

You sat in the living area with the rest of Squad Levi, plus Hange and several other veterans of the Survey Corps. You sipped at your tea, hands shaking. Whether it was from nerves or the cold, you didn’t know. Jean quietly slipped off his sweater and wrapped it around you.

“Armin. Go over the plan again.”

Armin once again explained his intentions. After figuring out that the walls were actually made of hardened Titans, he worked on the assumption that Eren could do the same - harden his Titan exterior, and transform back into a human, leaving the hardened Titan behind. Ideally, you would all be able to do this under cover of darkness, making the mission take less than a day.

“But...Talking about it again, it sounds insane and impossible.” Armin finished quietly.

“It all depends on Eren.” Levi locked eyes with Eren, who nodded firmly. “He’s up for it, Hange. You’re the one who decides on the experiments.”

“Yes. I know that we have to retake Wall Maria...But for the time being, I want Eren to lay low.”

“What? No way! We have to do this now!” Eren shouted.

“The situation is...Complicated.” Hange said quietly, drawing in a breath. “Minister Nick is dead.”

“What?!”

“He was found dead this morning, in the Trost barracks. I don’t know the cause of death, but...I do know he was murdered. His fingernails were ripped off, and the two investigating the case were Military Police Brigade, Interior First Squad. Why would interior MPs go all the way south to Trost to investigate what they claim is a robbery/murder? I believe...I believe that they tortured Nick for information, and then killed him.”

You stared at Hange in horror. The Military Police were working against you now? Why? From what Historia had told you all, a group of mysterious men had come in the night and murdered her mother, and only let her go when her father, Rod Reiss, had pleaded to give her a new identity and send her away. That, combined with this new knowledge about the Interior Squad killing Nick...It all seemed suspicious.

“Ever since it was revealed that Eren is a Titan shifter, someone from the interior has been trying to get their hands on him. We don’t know why. We also know that Reiner and Bertholt must have had allies on the inside. We don’t know who’s friend or foe right now.” Hange finished, looking worn and exasperated.

“So, what, we should just sit here with our thumbs up our asses having tea parties instead?” Levi deadpanned. “No. It’s the opposite. We need to act now. They’ll find us here eventually. You said all of Nick’s nails were ripped off? If you’re going to talk, you talk after one, maybe two. As much of an idiot as I thought he was, it looks like he kept to his faith. It’s possible, probable even, that they don’t know that the Survey Corps is watching the Reiss family right now.” He took a sip of his tea. “We can either go outside before we’re stabbed in the back, or kill whoever would kill us first.”

You heard Jean scoff next to you. You understood where he was coming from. Levi wasn’t talking about killing Titans. He was talking about taking human lives, the very lives you were charged to save. None of you had joined the Survey Corps to kill humans. Your world had been rocked earlier that evening when Connie had told you the theory that mindless Titans were actually humans that had been transformed. That was enough for one day, and now Levi was telling you to kill humans that actually were human? It was all too much. Too much had changed.

“We do both.” Hange said, determined. “We start tomorrow.”

\-----

You were put on lookout duty while Eren’s experiments were taking place. The curious side of you was annoyed - you wanted to see what Eren was capable of. The practical side, though, understood why you were there. Levi knew that you would do whatever it took to protect everyone, even if that meant killing. What you didn’t understand is why Levi had also put Jean on lookout duty.

You rode around the perimeter, keeping your eye out for any movement. Your childhood hunter’s instincts helped you in this regard. You saw a few squirrels, and some rustling in the trees that proved to be birds when you rode closer. No humans in sight. The smoke from Eren’s transformations flew high in the air, though, and you knew that you wouldn’t be able to stay long. Even this far out, there were people actively searching for Eren. They wouldn’t be stopped by distance.

“Withdraw! Search the perimeter!”

“Failed again, I guess.” Jean sighed from beside you. “I’ll take right.” He turned and rode away slowly, head turning from side to side. Your shoulders slumped and you took a moment to compose yourself before riding away.

When you and Jean both reached the farmhouse again, you stabled your horses together. “Be honest with me. Do you think he can do it?” Jean asked you, pulling you into the stable to have a conversation.

“I...I don’t know. Obviously I hope so. We’re running low on time. Eren isn’t exactly subtle when he transforms, and if we keep having to do these experiments, we’ll just be running from place to place, wasting time. The Military Police are the best of the best. They won’t back off, they won’t stop looking. Whoever wants to get their hands on Eren means business, and given that we have Historia too…”

“This isn’t going to end well, is it?” It was more of a statement than a question. Jean looked more skeptical and downtrodden by the day. You tried to keep spirits up, along with Sasha, but everyone was starting to get worn down. Everything that you all had ever known had changed in such a short time. It wasn’t easy to accept. Eren was determined, but he hadn’t yet been able to leave behind a hardened shell of a Titan. Hange was trying to keep spirits up as well, but even enthusiasm wasn’t working at this point. You hoped that Levi or Commander Erwin would come up with a plan of action soon. Sitting in this farmhouse wasn’t helping anyone.

Jean pulled you from your thoughts when he took your hand. “Hey. It’ll be all right. We’ve gotten through worse than this before, yeah?” He gave you a quick kiss, which instantly lifted your spirits. The pair of you weren’t necessarily openly affectionate. You cared deeply for each other, but there was so much else to do that you had no time to think on things like your relationship. You appreciated the small gestures that he gave you - giving you his jacket when you were cold, stolen kisses in the stables, a squeeze of your hand during a meeting. You tried to repay the favor by always looking out for him - your recklessness had worn off on him a bit, so you always had an eye on him when you were together. You would calm him during his arguments with Eren, and reassure him when his confidence started to waver.

“Hey! Stop getting cozy and come get dinner!” Sasha yelled out of the window.

You sighed. “I guess there’s no decision being made tonight. We’ll just have to wait until Eren is ready, I guess.”


End file.
